As things stand now my bf and I barely have any private time as it is. He has a young daughter that is with him 2 days during the week and every other weekend. He also has 8 grandchildren that are over often. The kids are fine. The custody arrangement is fine. But his father... He is an attention whore. He doesn't clean up after himself EVER, he says rude and things to us and to others. He doesn't respect my bf at all. He has no respect for privacy. He is constantly seeking attention. If we have a party or people over for dinner, this man doesn't understand that we want to do these things without him. If he were a nice man, helpful, funny...it wouldn't be an issue. But this guy will crap on the toilet and not clean it up, and when confronted about it will say he didn't notice. He knows, he just doesn't want to clean it. If he were ill, I could understand it, but he is not ill. He is capable of driving. He may be losing it a little as he ages, but honestly, I think he has always been this way. He is so rude to our friends. If we are watching a movie and we ask him to join us, he will consistantly talk through it, OR WORSE he will stare at us back and forth throughout the movie, waiting for an "in" to talk about whatever. I would be more compassionate about this situation if the man was good to his son, but he isn't. He is a leach who will talk behind his son's back and mess with the relationships with the kids. I cannot stand this man. However, he is not going anywhere...and I can accept that, but I need to find a way to cope with him in a polite manner so my relationship with his son and I doesn't suffer. Also once I move in, I don't want to be this mans slave. My bf will do most of everything, but I obviously will be a part of the family, thus I will step up and take care of things. But I don't want to do this with resentment in my heart. I want to be gracious and kind. How do I do this when all I want to do is drive him to the nearest iceberg, set him on it, and give it a good push out to sea. LOL!
I am a loving, caring, tolerant person....truly, but this man is a handful of annoyance I have never experienced before. And trust me, I have some annoyances in my family too. Usually I can deal with difficult personalities, but again...this guy is an anomaly.
I am seeking advice now because I want to start implementing coping skills now before I move in. I love my bf and even though I do not like his father, he still is his father, so he will have a place in our home as long as he needs to. So I want to make sure I am ready with coping mechanisms and advice on how to manage this situation so everyone's privacy is respected without being rude or resentful.
Open for advice, lots and lots of advice. Thank you in advance.
And I think your BF likely has an unhealthy relationship with him because he allows his behaviour and allows a relatively young senior to mooch off him and interfere with his daily life. I think it is doubtful that your concerns will ever take priority over his father's desires, Love doesn't conquer all except in fairy tales.
Have you got a plan B?
He will continue to age in place (and so will you), and soon, as the things he can currently manage on his own, will slowly dwindle, and you will be picking up the pieces. Cooking, cleaning, his banking, driving, all his appointments, and then getting him to those appointments, as soon he will no longer be able to drive, especially as you will be doing everything for him except eating, pooping, and sleeping. EVERYTHING! That is what old people do, they become more and more dependant, and they suck the life out of you!
You mentioned "OUR HOME", But it's not our home, it's his home, he was there first, and you would be the "INVADER"!
And what of your Love Life, your cuddle time, Out The Window, because if he needs to be the center of attention, he will block every opportunity of cuddling, kissing and SEX to interfere, as this take away his center stage, That, and your Sweetie may well be uncomfortable with being Romantic, in his Father's vicinity.
His child and grandchildren, while kids can bring an unbelievable amount of love, enjoyment and entertainment, they also bring an incredible amount of responsibility, and while you may love them and feel up to the task, they too, become obstacles that are ever changing, and require untold patience. And while you may feel up to the task in a normal environment, the constant interference from his Dad, might well force the children (innocent as they are) to take sides against you, and the situation may prove to become insurmountable!
I know, as I've raised 4 kids, 2 of my own, and 2, my husband's, but because my situation is so much different, as my kids were raised and out of the house, before my FIL came to live with us, children can be a handful, especially when they are not your own, and you also will have the "other" parents and personalities to contend with.
I just don't not see, where you moving in is a good idea, so why would you put such strain, on an already pretty good relationship, when if you kept things as they are, let them progress in the natural course of time, letting your BF contend with his Dad, his kids and Grandchildren, and enjoy what time you 2 can steal away, without putting such a strain on your relationship, and put a huge target on your back, which Will Soon break, adding in all these different relationships.
With the way things currently stands, him being able to come to Your home, doesn't it actually give him a break away from the stressors of His life, a place to go (or stay) and time for the 2 of you, and just see how things, all these other things and relationships play out?
Why would you give up your security of a safe and quiet place, to enter into what will be utter chaos? I would highly recommend you stay put, and continue to be a support system for your hunny! From a distance! Good Luck!
Your reasoning is beyond my comprehension.
RUN
Love does not conquer all. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't.
You'd be surprised what otherwise "normal and sane" parents tolerate for their children when it comes to accepting an elder family member's bad behavior... behavior that the parents themselves have become accustomed to and are tolerant of. E.g., my bro knows our father was sexually inappropriate with me when I was a child, yet he's taken our father into his home where his 12 yo daughter lives. My SIL also knows about the previous abuse, was herself abused by her own father and won't allow him to come around, but somehow my dad gets a pass. I personally just wouldn't risk taking a known abuser into a home where I have my young children, but my bro has already accepted that my dad's behavior towards me wasn't "that bad," and it's something he has never confronted our father about. It's not just with our dad. My maternal grandmother can be hateful and harsh, and I've seen her direct meanness to my bro's kids at times, and he doesn't defend the kids or try to mitigate her words... because he's accepted that "that's the way she is, that's the way she was to me when I was a kid." It's something unique to dysfunctional families, I think. Things that would be out of place in loving family environments are somehow seen as normal within dys family environments. ...just some thoughts...)
Your boyfriends dad is not going to get better. If fact it will get ALOT worse in the coming years. YOU will be the household slave. You will be controlled with guilt.
Learn, read. Then if you still think you should move into this nasty situations....go get your head examined.
Seriously, this is one of those decisions that people make and regret for a long long time.
Don't do it
Why can't boyfriend move in with you? Why can't you get a place together?
To answer another question, "Is he that bad." YES and NO. As far as being the attention whore and annoyance. He is not abusive, he's just an annoying man who does nothing for himself and does not respect his son enough to give him breathing room. It is all about his needs.
I know all of you are right...it will get worse.
So let me ask another question:
How do I get him out? I know that sounds mean, but because he is getting older and eventually he will need more care. So how do I make this happen?
Can I just ask, how long have you been in a relationship with your boyfriend?
Again, there is no easy answer. No "one size fits most". No magic pill. Even if you succeed in getting him out - you could still have a very rough road ahead of you. Much depends on your boyfriend. What type of boundaries he is willing and able to draw - and stick to. Is your boyfriend going to be able to put you and your relationship together first - lovingly and without resentment?
I'm sorry if my responses sound harsh and negative but I've been having a tough time lately. My mother passed away five months ago - after six years of me looking after her. Mom did not live with me but the six years took her from her home of fifty years to a nursing home with all the usual stops in between. There was much drama, anger, illness and finally dementia and hospice. Lately I've been wondering if I'll ever return to the person I use to be - or even someone similar- before this all happened. Sadly, I'm starting to doubt it.
I won't go so far as to say you can't make it work. But before you commit to anything on a permanent basis I suggest you learn as much as you can about dealing with a narcissist, attention seeking, difficult aging loved one and the condition of dementia. And devote some time to reading posts on this site. It will be an eye opener- I guarantee it.
Without bf requesting that his father relocate, telling him that lodging with him, the son, is no longer an option, then the only way to get the dad into some sort of other care is for the dad to go willingly... which sounds like that won't happen because the dad is getting all his needs met at this house. Why would he go somewhere else? Did the house belong to the dad at some point or does it still? People at his age rarely leave their homes to relocate somewhere else without some extreme prodding to do so.
He's not going to leave there. That's my take. I'm thinking after a year or two, you might leave there, though. :-) I wish you all the best.
BTW, I'm glad you came back, I was afraid we all scared you away!
The OP says in her profile that the father is living in her home. Au contraire. At the moment the home is that of the boyfriend and his father. So she is planning to move in to his home. And winkle him out of it. And you all think this is a legitimate goal?
Then there is the Boyfriend. Who has a young daughter and - custody is mentioned - a discarded partner; this situation, we're told, is fine. Maybe. Isn't anyone else wondering why that earlier relationship came to grief? The OP certainly should be, if she knows she's born.
So is it in fact the case that the Boyfriend, on splitting with his former partner, moved back in with his father in order to have a home to support his application for shared custody of his daughter? Key question: whose house is this, anyway?
There are eight - count them - grandchildren regularly visiting. It's only a guess, but I'm guessing these kids are regularly visiting their granddad more than their uncle. Presumably they have parents who are also related to the dad - the Boyfriend hasn't produced 9 children, one trusts. So where are the other siblings? What is their contribution to the family whirl?
Evolving you'll leap to your boyfriend's defence and say what a wonderful man he is and devoted to you and you love each other and - what was that priceless phrase? - oh yes, your "bf will do most of everything" blah blah blah.
Don't be a moron. Step away from the loudly ticking parcel before it blows up in your face.
Evolving, if you could share more details of the health of the father, how it came to be that he lives with his son, that info would help others to give better input. And if you AREN'T scared off by now, you do have the makings to be a decent caregiver... just not sure why you want the job since this person isn't your parent and is someone you don't care the least bit for. As CM pointed out -- the idea that boyfriend "will do most of it" will change. Oh, yes... it will... and probably sooner than you would ever think possible. You'll be sharing a household and sharing responsibilities. So unless you're ready to be this man's caregiver, I wouldn't share a home with your bf just yet. Give yourself more time to fully understand where that path is leading to.
Many of us, myself included, "backed into" a difficult, full time caregiving situation because we didn't know what to expect. I don't see you having any true peace in your new home if you go through with this move in, and that will take a toll on you, and on your relationship with your boyfriend.
Have you put it to him that if he wants a life with you it includes a separate home for you and him and no care giving duties for you.
He is putting his father before you and that does not work. Does he want his father's house? Can father live alone or is this an arrangement of providing care for free rent kind of thing. If so it is a bad deal for your bf and I suspect that you will eventually be saddled with the care giving as dad's needs increase and then you will feel resentful. I join the others in saying this is a very bad deal for you.
Then take to heart golden23's observation: "He is putting his father before you and that does not work."
In fact, read this whole thread again and let the answers sink in.
Again, I'm shaking my head and wondering WHY. Why would an emotionally healthy person consider a long-term committed relationship where she is not first in her partner's priorities?
Not only does this man put his father ahead of you, he has children, one of them a minor, and they must have a high priority for him (if he is a decent man). You won't even be second in this household where everyone else who flits in and out has a blood tie to the owner. You will ALWAYS be the outsider.
WHY, why would that seem like a fair deal to you? I mean this sincerely, and certainly not to insult you, but I think in addition to listening to us you should talk to a therapist and get these WHY questions answered.
Your boyfriend has children. Of course their needs (especially the youngest one) are going to come first. And you should be first, too. This shared role can be a challenge. Having a child come and go in your house who is also being raised by another parent, with perhaps different standards and rules, can be a huge challenge. Can it work? Of course. But people getting a "package deal" when they marry should do so with their eyes open and with the knowledge that they will have to work on making it work!
Over and above the challenges of living with a man who has children, your situation throws a demanding annoying father-in-law into the package. Actually, not even a father-in-law, but an older man who is related to everyone else in the picture but not to you.
The only way I can see this having a chance of working (and it is a slim chance, in my mind) is to start fresh in a house or apartment that you've mutually chosen. The "take-me, take-my-children, take-my-father, and take-my-living-arrangements" package is just too overwhelmingly one-sided.
I understand this first hand cause my Husband"s mother is extremely difficult. I avoid her as much as I can. I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that I will never live with her. That if he ever thinks of moving her into our home, I will move out. That sounds harsh I know but the way I feel when I'm around her is not healthy for me. That tightness you get in your chest and neck and stomach when you are with poisonous people is not good for you. I hope you can find an alternative arrangement that suits everyone.