My mom had POA forms drawn up several years ago. She has not been well enough to make important decisions for a few years. Last year she was involved in a car accident and is currently living with my sister. My mom should really be in a senior living residence. She has memory loss and sometimes doesn't eat. My sister and her husband both work full time, my nephew is only fifteen. So my mom spends roughly eight hours a day by herself. My mom has a home that has been empty this entire year and it's worth a substantial amount of money. No mortgage. My sister has put herself in charge of my mom's care and I have been villainized by her and I am isolated from my mom. My sister has not been transparent or forthcoming regarding my mom in any fashion.
My concern is that my mom has possibly signed a new POA and placed my sister in charge which was not the case in the first POA. It was myself for her medical and a family friend for her durable POA. My sister notified me that my mom has chosen to sell the house. I asked to be part of these conversations and I am not. At one point my sister told me it did not involve me because it was not my family. She also mentioned that she was looking for a larger home so that they are not on top of each. I unfortunately think that my sister is trying to sell the house and use those proceeds for a larger home for herself .
We are meeting with the realtor and an estate selling company. I do not know if there has been a contract signed yet, I would assume so. I sent the realtor an email last week asking for an update, she did not respond back to me and my sister shared a screen shot that basically stated that my sister had told the realtor to not communicate any info to me. My mom really is not in mind frame to understand what is involved in selling of her property.
What I would really like is to not be isolated from my mom, I would love it if my mom stayed with me part of the time. I would like to be included in her medical care, which I have not been. I would also hope that proceeds would go to a living trust account on my mom's behalf to use for her future care, however I am worried that my sister is up to something shady.
Things right now are very sad, I am depressed because I feel like damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think that right now my only choices are to do nothing and things will be as they are and I have zero relationship with my mom in her last years. Or I seek an attorney to get guardianship of my mom over my sister. Or maybe co-guardianship is an option? Split up the family and be that person that people will think it is all about the money, spend thousands of dollars on attorney fees to maybe still be in the same place of doom... My sister had told me that she refuses to put her in a home.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated-
my concern with your situation is that you don’t know if sister has POA, she is selling Moms home which could cause a host of issues if Mom needs medicaid paid nursing home care in the next five years.
i understand the stress but you need to make sure your Mother is not being taken advantage of. You are now her protector. Tough place to be in but sometimes we just have to step in. If your sister has POA she would have had to give it to the real estate agent so call her asap. I sold my parents home for them and I had to show the agent and closing attorneys the original copy
This sounds like a serious situation, and I agree with others that you should see an attorney ASAP.
Perhaps a state appointed guardian would be the best option between waring siblings?
Before the in-person (or via Zoom) attorney conference write down every single fear, hesitation, question, suspicion succinctly so you can quickly go thru the list in one session. Maybe the attorney can give you advice about how to find out status of your mother's property, but this is sticky because you are medical POA and a family friend is durable POA. Maybe the attorney can write a legal letter to the durable POA to ask if they have been given notice by your mother of being relieved of POA duty, and if not, guide you in how to work with the durable POA family friend. Additionally maybe the attorney knows how you can use governmental records to see the status of the house, and/or request (I suspect can't impel) the real estate agent to bring you into the proceedings. Or whatever. I am not an attorney but I would be wild to be blocked repeatedly by my sister and told nothing, while being dismissed saying effectively that you're not family. What!?!? That sure sounds nefarious to me.
By the way, I read the same post from you that everybody else did, and I am genuinely puzzled that some replies accuse you of being selfish, wanting money, etc...
I didn't get that feeling at all. I think you are a loving daughter who wants the best for her mom, and you're being body-blocked at every turn.
I attempted to help an elder who was disabled by a stroke and other issues as well. I was an unpaid volunteer, but was informed by the self-appointed family spokesperson that I was forbidden from "dumping" the lady in a nursing home and accused me of trying to "forget about her." That's a tall order with a side of guilt to dump on a volunteer.
Silly me, I TRIED to care for this lady so she could remain in her home. Looking back on it, I was at the point of collapsing myself. I did have to place her in a nursing home because she DID need 24/7 care - undeniably.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes we cannot simply "refuse" to place someone as your sister is doing. Sometimes the circumstances dictate what must be done.
I also know a family where mom went to live with the kids. Kids sold mom's house and bought a larger one for themselves - on which mom's social security was to cover the mortgage payment. It didn't work. Why? Because mom promptly had a massive stroke and could not live at home anymore. Kids were stuck with the huge mortgage and presumably all of the legalities surrounding nursing home placement and look back periods.
Plus, it sounds like your Mom should not be left to her own devices while both people she lives with aren't home for 8+ hours a day. A 15-yr old should not be tasked with "watching" Grandma. You don't say what caused this schism in the relationship with your sister. Unfortunately, as others said, there's not much you can do unless you feel your Mom is being physically or financially abused and that would involve reporting her to APS (Adult Protective Services), making a police report for a welfare check, and/or hiring an elder law attorney to file for guardianship over your Mom (an expensive process). Something doesn't sound right that your sister is so hostile toward you. Do you have other siblings?
Co-guardianship is an option as long as they work together without strife. If strife and discord develop, then the judge would probably reassign guardianship to an outside, non-family professional guardian. Source: Nolo.com
BUT…
If sis and her family are going to spend years caring for mom, it’s emotionally exhausting even under the best circumstances, more room helps preserve sanity and your sister’s family should be compensated. It’s not like AL is a cheap alternative or the staff loves your mom or your confused mom wants to be with strangers. Let’s say your sister’s new house costs $120,000 more courtesy of mom. That’s the same cost as 2 yrs of AL.
I think the primary questions should be: Is mom safe when she’s alone? Are there are free community day programs for her? You don’t mention your willingness to give care. So has your sister stopped communicating because you call with I think, I want, let me tell you while she and her family are doing the actual caregiving?
You may want to step back and consider how your sister’s choices might be logical and reasonable, even though getting more house in the end might appear to be taking advantage?
Personally, I keep wondering if caregivers are all schmucks given their families think care should be given happily and for free … while they do nothing but dismiss efforts and make demands.
Note to all:
Caregiving is a sacrifice. Caregivers are not the family employee. Siblings are not the caregiver’s boss.
It sounds like your sister and her family have been taking care of your mom for some time and you haven’t really visited. You offer criticism about the structure of this care, even though you have little to no first hand observations, just assumptions. Your sister has made changes in her life to accommodate your mom while you have been going about your own life, fairly undisturbed.
Now you find yourself panicked at the thought that your mother may have changed some of her estate plans.
You have complaints that your mom’s house was not lived in, but then you question that she is selling it. (And you say “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” about others’ behavior). And then suggest your mother might not be playing with a full deck.
I understand that you are worried about your assets, but these are not your assets. You are worried that your sister is going to “take everything” and you are ready to take legal action.
What entitles you to qualification as a guardian? You write that you weren’t designated as POA by your mom in the first place. Regardless, you will have no problem finding a lawyer to represent and advise you, and that lawyer will actually drain your bank account and you probably won’t get far. The lawyer may tell you that you can sue for undue influence and fraud, conversion of resources, elder abuse… you can even claim your mother was legally incapacitated while she signed new estate documents that were drafted by your sister which she agreed to only under duress and coercion. You may find yourself skipping down the lane with $$$ dancing around your head after the discussion. Yes, anyone can sue anyone for anything, but winning is unlikely when the case is meritless. The probate judges will see right through this.
Instead, why don’t you go to your local public library and check out a copy of the children’s story, “The Little Red Hen.” Long story short, the lazy dog, cat and pig watched the Hen do all the hard work alone and answered “not it” when asked for help. At the end of the story, they got no bread.
Analogy for an estate? Perhaps!
Was your relationship with your sister good before your mom moved in with her?
Something just smells fishy here with your sister.
All this family power struggling: is this what is in your mom's best interests? How do you know your sister has nefarious intentions for the house? And, if she and her family are you mother's unpaid full-time caregiver, maybe that's their compensation. That's how it was in my cousin's family: she was 24/7 full-time caregiver to her dad for 3-years who had COPD and diabetes, had both lower legs amputated. She lived with him and basically didn't have much of a life. When he died he left her the house. One of her brothers, a millionaire, is suing her over the house. It's just sick.
So, maybe the best thing for your mom is for your sister to willingly provide the care in a much larger house. Eventually they will be overwhelmed by her need for 24/7 care (because this is what happens eventually unless the LO passes away in their sleep) and hopefully your sister (or whoever is the FPoA) will have managed the money wisely to be able to hire help or place your mom, and hopefully she won't need Medicaid.
Pursuing guardianship costs thousands of dollars. You will be required to bring your mother into court to show that she is incapitated. You may not win, and if the judge is disgusted by the family in-fighting, may choose to appoint a 3rd party guardian. Then NO ONE in the family gets to call any shots.
The power struggle over your mom sort of smells like it's really about money or inheritance. If that's not your angle, then be magnanimous and back away: let your mom decide (if she's able) and let your sister do the dirty work so there is less strife. Why don't you volunteer to be with your mom at your sister's house while they're away at work? Or take her to your place a few days of the week? Or is there just too much suspicion of your motives from your sister? I hope you can work out something that is truly in your mother's best interests. As a mother of 3 adult sons, I've told them already that their father and I would just hate it if they fought between themselves over our care or money. That's why we've created a trust. Your mom, if she no longer has mental competency (as assessed by an attorney) would no longer be able to create a trust, or any other legal structure. If there's an new PoA of any kind, you could go through the courts to prove she had mental capacity at the time the new docs were created. But again, is the strife and infighting in your mom's best interests *really*?
I have read it several times and it is soaking in :)
I have been going during my days off to see my mom and take her out and about. She always wants to go you Ace hardware and buy the same garden tools. She doe snot remember that she has the same tools at home, so we drive by it and she forgets that she even brought it up. So we go and eat and just do a little shopping to get her out of the house. I would love for my mom to come and stay at my home, however, my sister will not allow her to come and stay at my home. I think my sister is a bit of a bully and wants to control everything and my mom cowers to her as to not cause a fight. My sister has not been transparent about my moms care or the selling of the house, things are stressful and very tense. I do feel that if my mom were to stay with me, she would loose a bit of her control over my mom, which is why she does not include me. I am not looking to gain an inheritance from my moms estate. I would just like to be included in the going ons and I am not. I think we need to plan as a family about my moms care and that is just not the case. These conversations or plans are happening without my input and it bothers me. I am not opposed to a joint home purchase, but let's plan this together as a family.
My mom and I have always had a very close relationship and it is a struggle for me to not have that in her last years. I know things change and I am working on myself to let things go. I have been very blessed to have had the time with her and the time that was she able to spend with my kids while they were much younger. I just want more time.
I do feel you are right about causing more stress and strife with the family dynamics and I do not have in me to take my mom or sister to court. It is not worth it at all! I really do not want to fight any longer and hope for peace! And that is what has been the struggle. Do I make a "scene" and get involved or just let it go and be the one on the outside looking in :)
Thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate your thoughts and I think I am just going to let things ride out :)