My FIL passed away 4yrs ago and he and my MIL (75yrs now) lived very separate lives. She did her thing. He did his thing which included looking after their finances, paying bills, getting their cars serviced, booking holidays etc. etc. She kept the house and he kept the admin.
Upon his death my DH (47) took over where my FIL left off. My MIL said she had no interest in learning how to take care of these things; her line was/is "I don't know how to do X and I don't want to know...". And this goes for everything; TV broken, call my DH or me if he can't be reached, banking, sorting finances, sorting medical aid / medication, sorting car services, booking travel, making charitable donations, arranging maintenance around her home, paying money into her grand-children's accounts for their birthdays, the list is never ending. Part of me has always wanted to say, well if you don't want to learn then it won't get done, end-off story. But my DH and SIL pander to her every whim because they don't want to upset or anger her and deal with the fall out.
This situation has caused much angst within my husband and I am slowly starting to loose a little respect for him in this regard because he is not doing what should've been done 4yrs ago - setting a boundary and sticking to it.
He has changed, is moody, sullen, withdrawn and not eager to do anything after she's been around as she sucks the life out of us all.
My MIL is very stubborn, self-centered and an extrovert. She does not sit still. Does not like quiet. Does not like being alone. She will go to the mall just to be around people. She has very recently moved into a retirement place after much deliberation and procrastination. And we hope this will bring about a change but I don't think it will.
She has always turned up at our house uninvited to get us to do things for her and she doesn't care if it's convenient or not. We put a boundary in place which worked for just over a year but now we are back to square one. She just arrives. We have asked in the past that she call us before she comes over and this turned into a full-blown meltdown. My FIL was alive at the time - "I'm the Granny, I don't need to call."
I refuse to hide or be rude or tell her to go away as I was not raised that way and I don't think it sets a good example for our children. I try to keep the interaction short and to the point but these impromptu visits can last anywhere between 20 & 60min. I tried hiding once and felt awful for doing so.
My DH and I and our two young children are introverts. We love our own space and being in one another's company. We gave her grace for the first year but the last 3yrs have been torture. My DH has recently returned from a 5wk trip abroad to another property we have and my MIL joined him for 10 days of that trip because she could. Her time with him caused a week delay in his return.
While they were both out of the country I felt I could breath for the first time in 4yrs. I loved having my life to myself. I loved having my children to myself and not having to worry about the doorbell ringing and it being my MIL. I missed my DH but I did not miss who he becomes when she is around.
I communicated this to him and have said that something has to change as it is putting a huge strain on our marriage and well-being of our relationship and I know that when he does talk to her about it she is going to lose her mind. We know we have to do this but how does one start the conversation with someone who is volatile and not able to see that her actions have had a serious effect on our marriage.
How do we phrase things? She does not see us as adults in our late 40's who have our own lives.
"Mother, your actions have negatively affected our marriage the past 4 years. Therefore, we're setting down the following rules that need to be followed beginning immediately. We love you but our family is hurting right now and we need things to change in the following ways............"
She's living in senior living, this is not as difficult as you're making it out to be! Come up with a list of rules, lay them out, and if she flips out, oh well, too bad.
When FIL died the MIL should have been shown into the offices of a Licensed Fiduciary who would be paid to handle EVERYTHING for her, finances, bill paying, taxes, arranging care, EVERYTHING. For a fee.
Instead hubby CHOSE to take this on.
And make no mistake, this is HIS choice for his mother.
Not yours.
Your choice is what kind of marriage you wish to live in.
I would tell hubby that the two of you now need to consult a marriage counselor.
You are a grown adult. You have decisions to make for your own life.
You will not be changing husband or his mom.
If your husband won't go to marriage counseling then you should attend counseling on your own (none of this silly online nonsense; a REAL cognitive therapist). Then you will make decisions for your own life.
We got often questions from family of alcoholic wanting to know how they can change them.
They can't. They can only decide FOR THEMSELVES what they will live with and what they will not. That's why we always suggest the help of Al-Anon to them.
Your husband is who he is. He won't change.
Your MIL is who she is; She won't change.
And your disrespect, dislike of her, and of him in his responses to her, are partially responsible for the air being sucked out of your living space.
I suggest you get help so you can make decisions for yourself that must be made. I hope you will get help with hubby, but if he doesn't wish to, do it for yourself, and I wish you the best of luck. You and hubby can always separate until the old woman follows her husband.
I wish you success in your marriage and peace in your heart as you work on it together.