Sister caregiver is not assisting with mom's hygiene. How can I help my family from out of state?
I was back home in Boston area from Sept 17 until Oct 18. My dad was declining quickly, and I needed to get there to help with the last few days. The hospice people were great, and it was a peaceful and exactly as the nurse described. My mom has ALZ and I were standing beside his bed and I had just told them I love them both and that was it, no more struggle to breath. My mom only understood that MY dad passed away. I'm not sure how much she understood, because she didn't know who he was anymore.
My younger sister has lived in my parents house her whole life. She is beneficiary and POA and all the other necessary acronyms. The problem is she will not assist my mom with hygene. My older sister 'works' there 2 days a week, my dad was happy to pay her, and she would do housekeeping. Now that dad is gone, Nancy is reluctant to pay my older sister, and she does not make my mom change her depends. So she wore the same diaper for 3 days. When I stayed there I was kinda grossed out by the fact, we only change her in the mornings. But being the absent sibling, i did as i was told and didn't rock the boat. I know we are working with the local council on aging for assistance. i pray that happens sooner, but it is a process and paperwork is involved. My younger sister is not the most diligent about paperwork. She works a full time job, and is deaf. She is NOT happy with the status quo, but I am here in AZ she is there in Mass. She will not wear hearing aides which was totally frustrating for me when i was there because she is difficult to communicate with.
I know mom's personal hygene is important, and my sister Sue said there was feces in the bathroom trash can and in her depends. when she changed her on Tuesday morning. She was wearing the same clothes and diaper from last week. I guess my question is how can I help my family from here?
Oh yeah there is an older brother as well, he is not helpful either.
Sue also says mom is not getting out of bed, she has to go in and get her out of bed. as far as sleeping, while i was visiting, she would go to bed about 8:30 pm and get up around 9-11 am. some nights she would get up and wander, i could feel her presence in the room i was sleeping in a few times. on the day she was destructive she didn't sleep and had a fall and hurt her back. I should have called 911 and had her taken to the hospital, and from there she could have gone to the NH for the medicare 90 days. I was told by a friend of hers from her high school days, that i should call and get her taken to the hospital the day after. saying she hit her head and she wasn't acting right....I was totally overwhelmed, why should I be the one to make sure mom gets into a nursing home. I had to get the hospital bed and the livingroom set up for my dad's passing. now that i am home here in AZ i do wish i had called and got her put into the hospital so the NH process could have started. why is it so expensive for health care for alzheimers. when my dad was alive there was too much income, and with just my mom's pension there would be a 50% co-pay.
As i try to complete the details, i would like to say thank you for the support. I first joined this site when i had my FIL here recovering 2 1/2 years ago. And i still read posts and the articles. thank you
10 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- I need a respite care for mom while I (her caregiver) have major surgery. Anyone else experienced this?
- I need immediate help, out of state sister coming with head of steam, and getting restraining order us. Advice?
- How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?
- How, when, and where do you lock things up?
Not that I'm not still crabbing at my poor mother, mind you! x
On the other hand my sister and i went to an Alzheimers seminar given by a local NH with a well known Dr of neurology. I am bummed out about my chances of this dreaded disease, taking a hold of my brain. I tried to get genetic numbers, but he would say maybe they(old aunts on mom's side, and moms mother) didn't die of alz, it was a different dementia, and he would not be precise about the mysteries that may cause or contribute to the disease. because the doctors don't know why the plaque starts and more research is needed.
One of the men in the audience brought up the question of previous drinking to excess.{friends of Bill W} The doctor didn't really focus on past drinking links as a possible cause, he just was adamant about nobody should drink to excess. A glass of wine every day is okay....
His basic synopisis was stay active, be active, use your brain, eat right, keep your BP in check, do exercise of some form regularly, join a group, do not isolate and KEEP ACTIVE !
then you still may get it.....
Please continue to update us. We care.
I got a list of the local nursing homes close to 'home' and forwarded the list to the live in sister. We have a dialog going and I think that is the best place to start for my Mom. She can express her desires, but I do have her back. We will get this worked out.
A Nursing Home (NH) is the last place I'd want my Mother to be. Unless it is totally different in your Mother's area, NH are under staffed & underpaid, which shows in the facility and it's staffing. That has been the case in Western New York. To most of the 'agencies and NH' it is, as you would expect, all about the bottom line and there are but few exceptions. Due diligence is an absolute most; that well require time....though time well spent.
If what you say is true "had her taken to the hospital, and from there she could have gone to the NH for the medicare 90 days." After that ninety (90) days what happens? What happens in Western NY(WNY) is that if 'No one comes to pick, her in this case, then the person is transferred to a NH and then become a ward of the state as an indigent person. At that point it will be difficult for any family member to do a damn thing about it. If you feel that your siblings, esp. your sister, is not concerned with Mothers needs and care, Senior Protective Services has the power to remove your Mother, and they will if her health and safety is at risk, no question, no hesitation......PERIOD
My situation, as surely is yours, is stressful and increases almost daily. Having three other remaining siblings that are not willing to be involved, is taking it's toll. When it's all said and done, I know that what I've done will be what was best for our Mother....that's what counts.
Mom being the same disposable underwear a whole day, let alone for multiple days, will lead to a uti and/or skin problems. She does not deserve this. She is not getting the care she needs. No point in handing out blame, just get the situation changed.
It is too bad she didn't get to the hospital when the opportunity arose. No point in stressing over the blame for that either.
Just go forward and get the job done for her. She needs someone to advocate for her, and fair or not, it seems you are it.