When I say or do something "wrong" and/or my spouse (with dementia) gets agitated, I immediately scramble to apologize and soothe things over and make things right or calm. It dawned on me the other day that this is the exact behavior that battered people/spouses exhibit. I know keeping him calm is essential, but how do I retain myself?
Please talk to his doctor about the agitation that he is experiencing.
If possible begin a log or diary of sorts and write down when it happens. Maybe you can pinpoint a time of day or if it happens when something in particular is on TV. Or maybe when you are trying to get him to do something.
Try talking to him while looking right at him. And be very clear about what you want or need him to do. And then be patient. I have read it sometimes takes 45 to 60 seconds for something that has been said to be processed and begin to formulate a response. So keep questions simple, choices limited to 2.
If he begins to get upset and it is safe leave the room. Just don't say anything and leave. Sometimes if you leave the room then come back it can diffuse the event.
You can also try laughing. A good hard laugh even if you have to force it to begin with will change the situation. (don't laugh AT him if he has done something as that could upset him more) I "discovered" the laughing when I was trying to fix dinner and my husband tried to "help" and kept pushing his walker into the area I was working in....I just started laughing he looked at me surprised then started laughing himself. That got me laughing harder and I was able to redirect his walker and sat him down with some juice.
Good luck to you.
But if the agitation is being directed at you for things that aren't your fault, and/or occurs frequently, check with the doctor about medications that can help calm your spouse. This can make a huge difference.
It is not the same as being with a well person.
If you cannot handle it anymore that is MORE THAN understandable. Place her and visit her and form some sort of satisfying life with peace for yourself.
You cannot change this. You can't control this.
She is not a battering spouse.
She is an ill woman with dementia who has utterly no control over herself.
You can live with her or without her, but she is not to blame for this illness.