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When I say or do something "wrong" and/or my spouse (with dementia) gets agitated, I immediately scramble to apologize and soothe things over and make things right or calm. It dawned on me the other day that this is the exact behavior that battered people/spouses exhibit. I know keeping him calm is essential, but how do I retain myself?

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Not all of us are Caregivers. Dementia is a unpredictable desease. Reason why I could not deal with it. I like order. It maybe time to place your DH. See an Elder Lawyer about spliting your assets. His will go for his care and when almost gone, you will apply for Medicaid. At that time, you remain in the home, get one care and enough of your monthly income to live on.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Trying to keep someone with dementia calm is often impossible.
Please talk to his doctor about the agitation that he is experiencing.
If possible begin a log or diary of sorts and write down when it happens. Maybe you can pinpoint a time of day or if it happens when something in particular is on TV. Or maybe when you are trying to get him to do something.
Try talking to him while looking right at him. And be very clear about what you want or need him to do. And then be patient. I have read it sometimes takes 45 to 60 seconds for something that has been said to be processed and begin to formulate a response. So keep questions simple, choices limited to 2.
If he begins to get upset and it is safe leave the room. Just don't say anything and leave. Sometimes if you leave the room then come back it can diffuse the event.
You can also try laughing. A good hard laugh even if you have to force it to begin with will change the situation. (don't laugh AT him if he has done something as that could upset him more) I "discovered" the laughing when I was trying to fix dinner and my husband tried to "help" and kept pushing his walker into the area I was working in....I just started laughing he looked at me surprised then started laughing himself. That got me laughing harder and I was able to redirect his walker and sat him down with some juice.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You're not a battered wife. You have a husband with dementia who's agitated and also confused about finances, per your other post. It's time to sit down with an attorney to hash out your resentments over money and his illness to determine if you want to stay in this marriage for the long haul. If so, you may need to activate your POA, combine your bank accounts, and speak to DHs doctor about calming medication for him.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If the reason for the agitation is a situation, you can calm by sympathizing rather than apologizing. "Yes, that is frustrating." "I know, I wish it were different."

But if the agitation is being directed at you for things that aren't your fault, and/or occurs frequently, check with the doctor about medications that can help calm your spouse. This can make a huge difference.
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Reply to MG8522
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How old is your spouse? Does he have a diagnosis from his doctor? Is he on any medication for this agitation? If not, I would have this discussion with his doctor.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your spouse is ill with dementia.
It is not the same as being with a well person.
If you cannot handle it anymore that is MORE THAN understandable. Place her and visit her and form some sort of satisfying life with peace for yourself.
You cannot change this. You can't control this.
She is not a battering spouse.
She is an ill woman with dementia who has utterly no control over herself.
You can live with her or without her, but she is not to blame for this illness.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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JoAnn29 Jan 5, 2025
I think OP is a she since her last posts says "he".
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