I'm feeling trapped. There have been so many dramas/sagas recently, what with a vascular op that we have been waiting for since diagnosis in November (finally start of May), us moving house, then dad getting an infection, problems with his neighbours and then two short stays in hospital and the ongoing associated care after. I am so jealous of these other family's that get to have holidays while my life revolves around the monotony of care. Dad needs daily trips to see the nurse at present as he has developed a seroma at the sight of his surgical incision, this is half term and my dad is so grumpy, the children are resenting it and so am I. Sounds selfish but I'm afraid that's the truth of it. Any advice?
Only you and your husband can decide what is right for your family. Does your dad need more help than you all are able/ willing to give Him?
Try not to compare your life to that of your neighbors. All families go through bumps in the road. The thing is to figure out the balance that works for you.
Pick out the services where having YOU help adds to the quality of Dad's life. For those things that anyone could do as long as they get done, delegate! Does it matter who takes Dad to all appointments? Does it matter who cleans his house?
When my mom was being assessed for assistance she said, "No, my daughters clean the house. I don't need help." And one of the daughters spoke up: "Mom we have limited time to be with you. When we are here we want to play scrabble with you, not scrub your toilet!" I think that is a nice way to look at priorities.
I am a widow. I have an injured hamstring muscle right now and it is painful to bend over. I emailed a son that I was having trouble cleaning up some broken glass. He will stop by after work to do it for me. He has not "cut me off" but I certainly wouldn't expect to live with him or for him to stop work and take care of me.
Several factors would make it very difficult to implement a parent's-are-taken-care-of-by-children approach here.
1) First, it is against long-practiced culture. To be a successful parent means your children have gone out on their own, have careers, perhaps have families of their own. In mainstream US culture for parents to expect a daughter or son to give up their lives to care for them would be considered selfish and unhealthy, as Grandma1954 says.
2) Ours is a highly mobile culture. A couple may have a daughter with a successful career in Milwaukee, a son with a farm implement dealership in North Dakota, where he grew up, and another son who lives in San Diego and travels internationally. Mom and Dad have left ND and live in Arizona now.
3) We live longer -- much longer -- than at any time in history. The period over which older people may need care is MUCH longer than for previous generations.
4) Because we live longer we are much more apt to suffer from debilitating and extremely expensive diseases. Fewer and fewer people will have anything at all to leave to their heirs. Son can't think, "Well I'll care of Dad for a few years and then inherit enough for my old age." Nope. Son has to earn and put away enough for his own old age. And his own old age may well start long before Dad dies.
PCVS, I'm not criticizing what you say about your culture -- just explaining that that is not how it is for the majority of those in the US. (Canada? UK?)
I don't mean that as an insult - please don't interrupt it as such.
Bella, thank you!:)
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