Mom had a severe stroke, rehab a fail, now home to be cared for by dad (He insisted--80yrs, mobility, memory and hearing loss). I'm their only child and have come home with them for now but can't stay for more than two weeks. He won't let me help at all, as if trying to prove that he can do it all himself. She has NO movement or speech and sleeps mostly but when awake seems to be aware. After this I'll be an hour away. One day in, I'm starting to panic. Talk me off my ledge but please don't tell me to get her removed from home.
You could have to get brutal with your father, a bit, judiciously. If he wants to fight on for your mother at home until her natural end, he must have adequate support from qualified people. If he continues to reject that, then her needs will necessarily be neglected because they are beyond the scope of one unassisted caregiver - even if that person were not an eighty year old man - your mother will be considered at risk, and APS will take her away AND prosecute him for neglect of a vulnerable elder. He will lose everything that matters to him.
He's trying to prove he can do it all because he is afraid people will take her away if he can't do it all. He needs to understand that NO ONE can "do it all" and that the opposite of what he thinks is true. If he accepts appropriate help, he is far more likely to succeed in keeping her at home.
Well, no doubt your father thinks he can do it all for her. How is he doing? Most of the time, it takes 3 shifts of people to care for a person who is bedridden and needing total care. Can he afford or be willing to have outside help come 24/7? If not, I'd likely consult with an attorney to see what the options are. Your mother is helpless. I'd ensure that she be taken care of and I'd take whatever legal measures I had to to make that happen.
It sounds like your dad isn't thinking clearly. I've known people who are totally bedridden, have magical thinking that they are able to live alone. They have lost all sense of reality and live in a land where things magically happen. Her doctor may be of help as well, if he prescribes additional care. Maybe, they could move somewhere together, so they both can get care. Also, Hospice may be of some help, but, they don't stay in the home around the clock.
Tell him you will be looking for solutions.
Ask him what he wants.
Let him talk this out without giving him advice.
That should be a start?
Do they have any pets?
Most of us are stuck with dads that think we were born to be their personal servants. So hats off to your dad.
Have you talked about palliative care for mom? Maybe having a different set of eyes can help avoid any unnecessary crisis.
Is he amicable to a housekeeper or meals on wheels? Any service that would leave him in complete control with some of the weight removed? We have a service called mobile meals and I wish I qualified for them. It is 2 meals per person 5 days a week and you pay at maximum 40.00 weekly. Sliding scale for those that need it.
Encourage him to accept help, it is early days and he needs to think about what would happen to mom if something happens to him. So he needs to take care of himself to ensure his continued presence for his wife.
Let us know how it works out.
Hugs!
There was a poster here long ago who was able to get her parents to accept help by introducing them as the laundress, the cook, the maid.
Had to break through their 'family only' mindset first though.
BArring that, do they have neighbors who can keep and eye on them for the next couple of weeks and keep you in the loop? Since it's just you, that's a HUGE burden.
Sadly, it's not unlikely that one or both of them will fall, set the house on fire or do something that will attract the authorities. Then you will have more 'help'.
You can't fight a stubborn old man. he has to epically fail before he will accept help.
In your case when the caregiver arrives, she would introduce herself as your friend from, where ever, and she is there to help YOU with things you need done.
There are many therapeutic white lies that an outside caregiver can use.
I also had the thought about asking the doctor about hospice evaluation. Don't tell dad that is what it is. Hospice would provide additional services to help mom, dad and you.
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