As some of you know, I’ve been sitting here lately, on the edge of my grave, realizing how important it is to get my ducks in a row, not only regarding the END of my life, but also all possible roads leading up to it. That’s all well and good for me but I think I waited too long to nudge DH to do the same.
We did the usual paperwork when we did our will, years ago, but even then, before any cognitive issues, it was a difficult exercise for him - and did not really get into the nitty-gritty details.
Then came the dinner party with the cheery funeral discussion. I noticed at the time DH was not participating and I made a mental note to sit down with him in private and try to coax some answers out of him. I tried a couple times, but not very hard.
A couple days ago a sales card from the Neptune Society came in the mail and I decided the time was ripe. I pulled up a chair next to him and dug in.
He tried! He really did! Oh, the labyrinth we traveled! I kicked myself every which way for letting this slide because I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, know that unless I have a notorized document with his detailed wishes (written in his own blood and printed on a t-shirt)I am going to get beaten to a pulp by his family.
So here is how we left it: I told DH that unless he will give me explicit instructions, from here on out I am going to do whatever I want and tell his family “it’s what he told me he wanted.”
His response: “ok. Sounds good to me.” Now I’m going to have to start looking for a suit of armor at garage sales.
I will never understand arguments over funerals . The simpler and quicker the better . But that’s me .
But are you telling us, P. that you and hubby have not for all these years had an advance directive done? Because that's really sad if so, and a message to us all. Actually, at Kaiser they keep asking you to get this in order after a certain age, but the sad truth is that my own KIDS have now to have that done. My daughter's just over 60. You REALLY need to decide what needs to be done.
If he will not and cannot then you still must for yourself. This should be done.
And as to the armor, you will now merely write up something that SAYS you discussed it and that deliniates what he does not want.
For instance, by age 60 I knew I didn't want to be resusciatated if I died nor intubated, and that I did not want kidney dialysis or artificial feedings by NG, PEG or IV tubing. This pretty much takes care of your not having to deal then with going on and on and on and on.
Most advance directives now also ask you what constitutes a meanful life for you. For instance, will you wish to go on crippled or paralyzed from a stroke. Would you find life meaningful if blind. There are many things we adapt to when young that we choose not to try to adapt to in age.
There is no reason to "discuss" or "argue" with his family. You tell them you are in charge, this is YOUR husband, you will make the decision according to PRIVATE discussions the two of you had together. That's that. No argument, no discussion. They may weep; they may ensue with a great gnashing of teeth, but you are the DECIDER (to quote Geo. Bush). It's that simple and not up for discussion. No need of an armor or anything else. It is not a fight. It is a decision and it is YOUR decision.
You know why my brother is being cremated, because he is claustrophobic.
My dh accidentally rear ended my deceased dad’s car. The car caught on fire but he escaped unscathed. I’ve known since our relationship that he had been an organ donor for decades but due to information I learned here, I personally could not go through with having someone technically breathing going in, and a harvested corpse going out. Nor could his parents handle it.
So after 43 years, he’s off the donor registry he signed onto at 16. It took multiple contacts before we were notified that he was off the list finally.
It may seem incidental, but I would remove your dh at this point.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;" etc. My husband loved folk music (as do I), and this song was meaningful to us and also added a spiritual dimension to an otherwise secular occasion.
I guess I'd best figure out what I want now! (But at least we have a plot.)
You can always put darling Sue, the Sister in charge if that's what you want, as long as it is HER MONEY she's spending. For myself that would work great, because you know, after death NONE of my family wanted (or got) services. Dad's ashes are in the woods to the left of the Missouri shopping center. Mom's in Langsford's Rose Gardens, and my dearest Dee is in the Ocean he so loved to swim. As to mine? I honesty don't care where they'll go, so just it is cheap.
Humor aside, he is your husband, you both decide or if he is really not caring, do what YOU want. As my husband said, "I am dead, what can I do about it." If others complain, let them pay for everything and sit back and have your memories.
Cheers!
So I take this as in all honesty, it doesn't matter to him, he has no strong feelings either way, compared to a lot of people.
So I told him my plans , a simple military service at are national cemetery, and cremation, he shrugged and said, sure.
So maybe your husband just trust you and it really doesn't matter to him
If he hasn't had very strong feelings either way, I would just do what you think is right, and to heck with the family