My mother is 79 years old and in mid to late stages of vascular dementia. She is combative and argumentative. The sister is aware of her diagnosis from 2021. The sister encourages secrets and does not correct my mother when she is wrong. She can't live alone and if I do not continue with caring for her and my handicapped sister, the state will be involved. WHAT CAN I DO??
💛🤗💛🤗💛1. If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.💛💛💛2. If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we’re visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things. I’ll be much happier for it.💛💛💛3. If I get dementia, don’t argue with me about what is true for me versus what is true for you.💛💛💛4. If I get dementia, and I am not sure who you are, do not take it personally. My timeline is confusing to me.💛💛💛5. If I get dementia, and can no longer use utensils, do not start feeding me. Instead, switch me to a finger-food diet, and see if I can still feed myself.💛💛💛6. If I get dementia, and I am sad or anxious, hold my hand and listen. Do not tell me that my feelings are unfounded.💛💛💛7. If I get dementia, I don’t want to be treated like a child. Talk to me like the adult that I am.💛💛💛8. If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed. Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.💛💛💛9. If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.💛💛💛10. If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take the time to figure out what is bothering me.💛💛💛11. If I get dementia, treat me the way that you would want to be treated.💛💛💛12. If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house. Even now if I don’t eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.💛💛💛13. If I get dementia, don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.💛💛💛14. If I get dementia, don’t feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s not your fault, and you’ve done your best. Find someone who can help you, or choose a great new place for me to live.💛💛💛15. If I get dementia, and I live in a dementia care community, please visit me often.💛💛💛16. If I get dementia, don’t act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places. Take a deep breath. It’s not my fault.💛💛💛17. If I get dementia, make sure I always have my favorite music playing within earshot.💛💛💛18. If I get dementia, and I like to pick up items and carry them around, help me return those items to their original place.💛💛💛19. If I get dementia, don’t exclude me from parties and family gatherings.💛💛💛20. If I get dementia, know that I still like receiving hugs or handshakes.💛💛💛21. If I get dementia, remember that I am still the person you know and love,
I read all your responses below and thanks for being so participatory on the Forum.
All said and done here--you have kind of done ALL YOU CAN other than to turn this over to APS and plead for guardianship through the courts by the State.
You say you have even gone to consultation with legal, and were told you would have to SUE in court for guardianship. To tell the truth you are looking at minimal 10K to do this and you might lose!
I think you have done what is humanly possible. You cannot change ANYONE ever and when there are mental deficits it is truly impossible to deal with and handle the affairs of someone uncooperative with you.
I am afraid this will have to move to crisis. I would step out of it. You will be called in soon enough. I would meanwhile let APS know you are stepping away as you have explored your options and there are none. Let them manage this legally or let the sky actually fall.
You say IF you can't handle this the state will be involved. For myself I would PRAY (and I am an atheist!) that they do take over. Because you are helpless in this.
A family member can petition conservatorship/guardianship of an elderly family member through the probate court themselves and it doesn't cost any more than the fees to file the paperwork and pay a lawyer for a couple of hours to represent the mother. The court demands the person who the conservatorship will be for have a lawyer talk to them, and show up at a hearing.
If there's already an Alzheimer's diagnosis for the mother and her daughter (the OP) is filing for conservatorship and she's already her caregiver, it won't be hard to get.
I worked for a couple where the wife was more than 20 years younger than her husband who had Alzheimer's. She had him home and was his caregiver. She died unexpectedly last year. The couple had no children, but the husband had an adult daughter from his first marriage. That adult daughter filed conservatorship/guardianship paperwork with the court. The court appointed a lawyer to represent the father (who was completely out of it) at the hearing. There was one hearing and the daughter was awarded conservatorship/guardianship. The father's money paid for the one visit the lawyer made and the court appearance. It was nowhere near $10,000. In fact it was less than $1,000 in lawyer's fees.
The daughter put her father in memory care where he died a few weeks later.
I have a disabled nephew who for now can live on his own. He previously lived the my Mom. I was able to get the State involved with his care. They subsidize his housing, provide a coordinator and an aide. I have been able to step back. I oversee his finances only and may need to take him to an appt now and then. There are programs out there and help for your sister.
My FIL's sister - who lives over 10 hours away and had not seen him in person in 10 years or more - was made VERY aware of FIL's dementia. We were an open book with her for quite a while before we decided to shut the door after repeated oversteps on her part.
Before we took FIL's phone away, his confabulations, hallucinations and delusions were all passed on to her with daily phone calls. Even when we repeatedly reminded her that he was not in is right mind and that nothing he was telling her was remotely true she continued to not only believe...but also actively contribute to his rising hysteria by adding her own misinformation to his confusion. One excellent example was that she had researched his facility and that they had lawsuits against them. Which was completely untrue, completely fabricated on her part - but caused an uproar where he tried to stage a coup and also called 911 (which if you were not aware, they are required to come for any call from a facility).
The final straw was when she called the state ombudsman to report that her brother had been placed in the facility against his will (untrue), that there was NO local family to take care of him and make sure he was safe (also untrue, including my DH who was the POA, and his sister - and we visited every other week due to distance), that his family had abandoned him and she was all he had left (untrue), and that he was being abused in the facility (wildly untrue). She got him on the call with the ombudsman who offered to file a complaint on his part - at which point he backpedaled wildly and refused her offer. The ombudsman quickly realized that he had dementia as well.
We finally had to take away FIL's cell phone, as he was having more and more trouble using it properly, and it was only serving to cause him pain and suffering and frustration (as well as us). We told her that he was no longer capable of managing the phone and told her to call US going forward.
She tried to skip that step and tried to go straight to the facility to ask her questions and demand his care be upgraded. We told them they did not have to speak to her at all any longer and they eventually just referred her to us and told her they couldn't help.
What can you do? What do you need to do for the care of your mother and sibling? Your aunt's input -unless she is the POA for your mother - is not necessary and not requested. I would suggest blocking her to prevent any additional confusion and frustration for your mother.
Additionally - for your own sake - please consider other care options - to give yourself some respite.
I do appreciate your responses. I do try to just keep my head down and push on but the last week has been extra stressful due to them talking .
Maybe she needs a good talking to about mom losing ALL of her choices if the state gets control and how she (aunt) will be totally responsible for that outcome because she is encouraging the battle.
Personally, I would call APS on the aunt and report a vulnerable senior. Give her something to do with her time besides make your life harder. I am not saying do this as revenge, it sounds like your aunt is not fully functioning mentally to not be able to see that she is doing more harm than good and maybe she is in need of intervention.
Or, send your mom to her house for an extented visit. That way she can see first hand what the truth is with your mom.
Best of luck, these situations are hard enough without interfering relatives.
Your aunt is handling that properly. Your mother’s brain is dying and she has no capacity to understand why she is wrong. To correct her is the incorrect thing to do.
If she will not allow me to care for her....I have no choice but to remove my sister from the home. That is what I am trying to avoid.
She is not open to anybody or facility help. Her sister says she doesn't have to.
I am looking for an answer on my aunt not my mom.
A senior gets dementia. Some of their family members won't accept this truth. Then they go about making the care of this person even harder for the one who is doing the caregiving by encouraging behavior like secrets, validating confabulating nonsense, and not correcting them when they should.
DO NOT tolerate this behavior from your aunt. If she cannot behave appropriately, she cannot be allowed unsupervised contact or any with your mother.
I would not call APS on her though. APS, CPS, or the police are not revenge tools for feuding family members or people who want to get back at someone. The possibility of your aunt having dementia herself is not your problem and you're not qualified to diagnose her. You have enough on your plate already with being the caregiver to your mother with dementia and your handicapped sister.
People living with dementia can quickly forget what has been said to them so if a person tries to correct them, they will soon forget the correction and the cycle starts again and increases everyone's agitation.
I appreciate this is a challenging journey, be kind to yourself, you have your hands full. Focus on what's important each day to get through, keeping things as simple as possible.
I wish you well at finding some local support. You're doing amazing things