In the recent past, my dad, who has vascular dementia, went out the door. I had to get a lock and locksmith to install it to keep him safe. I bought an alarm that would go off if he went out the front door while my dad's wife was asleep. She will NOT set the alarm. All she has to do is slide the switch over. I am concerned he will leave the house while she is asleep.
I went there last week, and she was in bed asleep, and dad was down by the back door. If I had not had that lock installed, he would have gone outside. I am concerned he will be one who is lost and we cannot find.
My dad's wife is concerned about small things that are not pressing. She has not found anyone to sit with them since he got back from the hospital. I have to begin work soon, and I cannot run over there to check on them. She got nation wide long distance on the phone and it comes with call waiting. I call them, and the phone rings. I didn't know she had gotten call waiting, and she does not now how to use it. So I have to wonder for HOURS if they are all right or is she on the phone. They are driving me up the wall.
No matter what I do to help, she bucks. Last night it took both of us 24 minutes to change his dirty clothes. He cannot go to the bathroom by himself any longer. A nursing home here had over 20 virus cases with 17 staff members infected, so right now, I don't know about nursing homes. This is very very stressful for me. This year is going to be very difficult, I will have a later end time due to the virus. I have not had time to do anything at home and I am exhausted and sad.
You may want to sit his wife down and explain to her that Dad is her responsibility. She can be held liable if something happens to him. She could be charged with neglect. (Even if not completely true she may help more) Tell her you can't do it all. You have helped where you can but she needs to follow up. Like, setting the alarm.
I too had call waiting. And I too had no idea how to use it and really didn't care. Too many times I have been talking to someone only to be put on hold and forgotten. She may not know she has call waiting. It came with my phone pkg. I had that and because I had a VM on my phone, I had the VM feature and call waiting turned off. What happens with the call waiting is you get a clicking sound which interferes with your hearing the other person talking. The VM works when ur on the phone. I never set mine up but people were able to leave messages which caused a problem because I had no way to retrieve them.
That said, you may be coming to a time when Mom can no longer help Dad at home. Are you POA? Or does the wife hold that. Can you help when Dad must be transferred to care? Or will she not allow that? Given that she is failing as well, is there extended family of hers that can be involved?
I don't know assets but is there any possibility of them entering Independent Living or Senior Living together, or would Dad still need memory care. All of these questions are coming to be answered, and I am so sorry to say that, because you already have a plate just full. There is honestly so little you can truly do about ANY of this if they are not in care of some kind.
If your dad is a Veteran there is a possibility that the VA can help with either in home help or depending on other conditions and where and when he served he/they may qualify for a LOT of help.
Can you install cameras so you can monitor what is going on and can you remotely set the alarm?
Does dad wear a watch? If so can that be replaced by a tracker so that you can locate him if he does get out of the house? There are some that can be placed on a dogs collar and you can set a range and if the dog goes out of that range it will send an alert. (not that I am comparing a person to a dog but the same technology can be used)
I would notify the local police and fire department that there is a vulnerable person that may wander. You can give them a description and a photo so they have that on file.
They may have programs in the city or county that might also help. My county had/has a program called CareTrack and if a person wandered they would send out a squad with an antenna that would pick up the frequency of the wrist band my Husband was given and they could track him. The unit had to be checked daily and the battery replaced by the county once a month.
Sounds like step mom is in denial about the situation or it may have become a bit much for her. If that is the case looking for a facility or having someone come in may be the only way to keep him safe. I realize with COVID this is not an ideal time to think about placing him.