Hello again, my Mother is in last stage dementia at a SNF and now unable to eat, talk or walk on her own. I don't think she can sit up in a wheelchair even. She has declined fast after a couple strokes but now has stabilized.
My Father visits her everyday and desperately wants to bring her home. He is in his 80s and in good shape but I don't think he can handle all that comes with having her home. I live too far to be much help but I'm worried I will get dragged into all the problems of having her home. He seems to think that if he brings her home, she will be better taken care of but I'm highly skeptical. Also, once we get her home, even if things are going badly, he won't allow her to go back to the SNF. He won't listen to anyone and thinks everyone is an idiot and he knows best. It's actually such a struggle because he cares so much about her and can't accept that her end of life may be near.
I feel guilty for "giving up" on her when he thinks she will go back to normal with some changes.
Any advice on how to make the best decision without alienating him? I feel like I'm in an impossible situation.
Thanks!
What he does not see is the staff come in before he gets there and strips off the clothes, the bedding, removes her soiled brief, cleans her ( bed bath or if it is a shower day maybe get a Hoyer Lift to bring her to the shower room) then bring her back to the bed and dress her, and maybe run a comb through her hair.
I am sure when she needs to be changed they ask him to leave the room.
He does not see all that they do to care for her.
One other important thing...
He is grieving. He has lost what is probably the love of his life, his partner. A part of him has been lost as well.
Some facilities have support groups you can ask if the SNF has one.
If mom is on Hospice you can ask dad to talk to the Social Worker. Then later they have a Bereavement Support group that he can take part in.
(If mom is not on Hospice you can ask about that, it will be another set of eyes on her and since the Hospice will have fewer residents to care for I think she will get more attention and care. )
bathe her every day and wash her hair a couple times every week,
change every wet and soiled diaper,
change the bed every day and after it gets soiled or wet,
feed her every meal and make sure he eats 3 meals a day,
help her into and out of wheelchair, commode, shower chair... every time,
roll her from side to side in her bed every 2 hours to keep her from getting bedsores,
make sure to only sleep for 2 hours at a time every night (since he needs to change her position every 2 hours),
In addition, he needs to cook every meal for himself, clean the house a couple of times every week, do laundry every day (laundry will pile up if she comes home), do yardwork, do shopping while using a wheelchair....
He will get a better idea of how much work this will be. His longing for her will continue but he will probably see that the current arrangement is the best one.
I too think there maybe some cognitive decline going on with Dad. Sounds like it may be time for Hospice to be brought in.
Agree that he may be having his own decline.
If not on hospice, could be helpful.
Good luck!
Sometimes asking tough questions can gain very good insight.
Ask the SNH what end stage options looks like. Can Dad stay if he wished? All day, all night too?
He may not be able to get her home, but he may still be able to be with her 💙 (((hugs)))
I really like Taarna's idea about arranging a trial run for dad at the SNF, if they are agreeable to working with you on it.
Also, get hospice involved and see what they think. The chaplain is a good one to speak to dad, along with the nurse, about what all is involved with the care of an end-stage dementia patient at home. Reality vs. fantasy is a big wake up call!
I'm so sorry you're going thru such a thing with your folks, and that dad is in such a position to begin with. He wants to be the savior for mom and that's not likely possible, I'm afraid. So sad and so tragic what dementia does to the entire family, I know. Sending you a hug and a prayer that this all works out, somehow.
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