Follow
Share

I'm 34/female and take care of my parents while living with them - mom more than dad. I have a full time job and work from home, and while it's a lot of stress to do this and look after my parents, I'm glad to have my own income.
There's no medical reason that my parents can't be left alone, yet my mom doesn't let me leave without her or my dad. She can barely walk but insists on going with me anywhere, or she'll force my dad to go with me, even just to get gas in the car.
Because of her lack of stamina at her age and her physical disabilities, she'll say "Let's hurry up, I want to get home" within 20 minutes of being out. And then it's a rush back home.
I feel so trapped. This is like prison. It's gotten to the point where I want to scream into my pillow every day. All I want is to go to the park and watch the sunset or drive around and look at the autumn leaves. I just want to "live" in these tiny little ways and get a mini break from always doing everything for my parents. But if I say I just want to go out, my mom throws a fit.
I understand that my mom is deeply struggling with losing her independence and aging, but I feel like I'm being pulled down with her. I wish I could elevate both of us. I feel bad for her, I truly do, but I can no longer give up my life for her.
Recently, I wanted to go out for fresh air. My mom tried to make my dad go with me because "He never gets out!". When I said no, my mom freaked out and started crying. She said to me, "How can you be so cold-hearted and selfish?!" Sorry mother, but I'm a 34 year old woman who thinks it would be a bit odd to go watch the sunset while listening to music with my father.
I don't know how to talk to her about this, but I also feel like I'll never get through to her. She doesn't believe in emotions or feelings, she's completely emotionally detached from me. She's obsessed with my dad and obsesses over making sure he has everything and is happy.
I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but this is too suffocating. I just want the little things in life like watching the sunset and going to get a pumpkin for Halloween. I'm missing out on these little things that break the cycle of monotony of everyday life. Back in my 20s I dated someone for a few months (of course I had to lie and sneak out in those days), and I got a taste of what it felt like to get dressed up and go out for dinner on a Saturday night, and I CRAVE that again.
I'm not asking to circumnavigate the globe. I just want little things, otherwise life is feeling like a prison. I sit in this apartment all day and I feel like my body is literally rotting in this chair. At the same time, I feel absolutely horrible that I want to get away from my parents.
I guess I just want someone to tell me that I'm not alone, or at least someone out there can sympathize. I feel so trapped and so alone. I feel like I am missing out on my life. I'll never have a family of my own, it's too late for that. I just want to do something outside of working and caring for them. Anything.

Find Care & Housing
Madison, why would you feel horrible about wanting to get away from your parents? Isn't that the natural course of things in your community; you grow up, go to college and begin your own life?

If your job doesn't pay you enough to afford housing where you currently live, why don't you look into a lower cost of area to move to?

Do you have medical insurance? Even if you don't, I would try to find a licensed clinical social worker who charges a sliding scale fee. You are in desperate need of therapy to support you in your beginning your journey to independence.

Being able to say "no" to one's parents is one of the hallmarks of being an adult.
If you can, starting taking that first step today.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Please read Cloud & Townsend's book "Boundaries: When to say yes, How to say no to take control of your life".

Also please read Dr. Cloud's Book "Becoming an Adult: Advice on taking control and living a happy and meaningful life."

If you're only 34 years old, then how old are your needy parents? They probably aren't any older than I am (I'm 65).

The problem from what I can tell, is enmeshment and codependence, and highlevel manipulation.

It sounds like you've been trained from the get-go to serve the needs of your controlling, needy parents.

You deserve better. You deserve the freedom that you crave. It will take time, but you can break the emotional chains that are tying you to your parents and their demands.

So what if you mother gets mad. It's her anger so let her have it. Same thing with all of her emotions and behaviors. Right now they are paying off for her because she is controlling you. Your mother isn't going to suddenly wake up and stop what she's doing - you have to stop it.

It pains me to hear of anyone as young as you going through this. Ugh. Please begin to take the steps to break free.

Peace.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to southiebella
Report
AlvaDeer Oct 20, 2024
I think that boundaries will not be honored by someone mentally ill and unmedicated. Worth a try for this OP, however, and this book is full of interesting anecdotal tried and true advice. Good suggestion!
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
You have already gotten wonderful answers here. I just want to add something that caught my attention. You say your mother screams and cries when you leave without her or your father, yet doesn't believe in emotions and is bipolar. Apparently she gets to have emotions, but you don't. She sees Father needing to get out, but doesn't see that you need time to yourself. She is a very disturbed person, so afraid of being without you that she controls you, and you are in big trouble to stay in the situation. I really see that you must begin to turn things around, find a way to have your own place to live, and get them help other than you. As long as you are there she will stay the same. Your mom will not be able to control others the way she controls you and will eventually adjust to having other care. Most likely she can get her own help if given some initial suggestions about who to call. It's best to make her do some of that work to find another living situation. If she is so angry when this occurs that she won't speak to you, well, that's up to her and something she must live with. You need more of a life than just having a job. Your own mental health depends on it. You have hard work ahead, but you can do it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
Report

You ARE in a prison. And what's with you had to lie and sneak out when dating someone when you were in your 20s!!?? OMG, you never had a chance to grow up and become independent. They chained you to that apartment and you let them!

Your mom is a monster (yeah, she's mentally ill - and so are a lot of people but they don't act like this). She controls you by having what we in the South call a hissy fit when you try to do something for yourself. The good news is that YOU CAN STOP THIS. That bad news is that YOU DON'T KNOW HOW.

I am so sorry. Heed what others have advised you. You can learn. The first thing you could do is let mom scream and yell and threaten, then walk out the door and do what YOU want for a while. Do it today. Next thing you could do is go stay in a hotel overnight to get the feeling of what it might be like to be alone. Take yourself to dinner in the hotel dining room, alone, all dressed up. And so on. Mom might even be a bit nicer to you when you go back home, if you do. Unless she's expired from her hissy fit, which they never do.

I wish you luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
MargaretMcKen Oct 20, 2024
The first time you "let mom scream and yell and threaten" will probably be quite upsetting for you. What is needed is for you to do it again, after you see that she has survived just fine and you are the one who felt upset longest. The second time, that will be a bit more obvious. After you have done it five times, she will probably drop down the "scream and yell and threaten" because she has realised that it doesn't work. You will have found a small step to independence.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I actually awakened thinking of this, your post, last night.
I knew that there was clearly a lot left out of it.
Now I read your responses and I KNOW that there was a lot left out of it.
First and foremost, that your mother is untreated bi polar disordered.
That says it all.

First let me recommend to you Liz Sheier's memoir Never Simple about her LIFELONG attempts to care for her mentally disordered mother along with the auspices of the entire State and City of New York. ALL TO NO AVAIL.

That is to say, you CANNOT HELP your parents.

You say you have a "full time job" yet you tell us that you cannot move because you and your parents have no home and cannot afford to live separately apart from one another. This then is not a very good job; it cannot allow you to afford a ROOM for rent? With a roommate?

I do thank you for being so communicative with us. But in the home of an unmedicated, mentally ill woman who cannot care for herself because of mobilitiy issues, and a father who apparently cannot do anything about any of this, I think that you will not thrive. You are going to need to go out on your own and you are going to need to leave Dad with the emergency numbers to contact. He well may need to put his wife into care for his own protection.

Your own life is currently going up in smoke on the burning funeral pyres of your parents and this is a very slow burn. But the end results are inevitable. You say that moving now will leave you homeless and living in your care, and your parents as well? Doesn't that seem inevitable at this point? Whether today or tomorrow or when you are 50 isn't that the outcome of this eventually?

You need to avail yourself through your local council on aging and any organizations involving the care of the mentally ill in your area. You need to call APS.

What is going on here is not sustainable. And yes, I see the tents of the homeless mentally ill all OVER my city. I simply don't want YOU in one of them.
I cannot believe in all honesty that this hasn't yet broken YOU mentally.
See the doctor. Get social workers. It is time that there are some answers in this, or it is time for you to walk out the door with a small suitcase and go to a shelter, reporting your parents to APS as you leave.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
madison8816 Oct 20, 2024
Thank you for this response. I can't believe it hasn't broken me either yet. I guess I hang on in my own silly little ways like researching places to go on the internet, looking at nice places I'd like to live one day, reading reading and more reading. By knowing there's so much out there after this, keeps me sane.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Madison, I feel for you. Having a unmedicated bipolar mom with mobility issues and a deaf and dependent dad and both of them dependent on you financially and emotionally, is awful.

You deserve your own life. You mom and dad aren’t going wake up one day and say you have done enough and give you encoragement to be independent. You have to make it happen. I like the baby steps idea. Also the researching options. They may qualify for disability which would get them income to help pay for a facility or in home care or something.

you have already taken a step by saying you crave time alone. You deserve it and need your own life. I hope you get it and soon!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Suzy23
Report

Also understand that we have a member here, Golda, and her mother lived to 109 years old.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Southernwaver
Report

I think this has been your life. And because of that, you can't do this cold turkey. Your Mom has a mental illness that she does not medicate for. Yes, when ur deaf, you are in a world of your own.

I also can't imagine you living in an apt together. No way of getting away. I think you need help. Maybe a therapist to help you set boundaries. Looks like your on your way. Maybe just put your coat on, walk to the door and say "Will be back in a hour or so". Don't even give Mom the chance to say anything. Maybe after work, don't go home right away. Do something with a coworker. When Mom says your selfish, tell her no, she is to expect you not to have a life of your own.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I want you to go look in the mirror and admire your youth. Now, picture yourself thirty years later with gray hair, wrinkles, painful knees. By now, both parents are either in nursing homes or deceased. You are left alone in a tiny apartment with no friends and maybe a cat or two. Still no social life and no husband or boyfriend.

What I'm reading here is a call for help wanting someone to commiserate who is in the same boat. The only thing this will do is keep you in the same frame of mind, but you won't move forward.

I'm one who has been on both sides of the track. I had a mother who was an alcoholic and gave birth to a severely disabled child. I ended up caring for them both. In the end, Ma had made herself sick from drinking and cancer she was no longer able to care for my sister. I went through the placement process, getting her in a day program of course with the help of a social worker. Dad exploited the situation for himself, remarried, and expected me to pay for a loan he wanted to take out on the house so he and his wife could go riding off in the sunset. If it weren't for my support group and those tough ladies in Al-Anon, I would be in bondage today. I pay rent. I look back at my life and wonder what it would look like if I hadn't been groomed to take care of other people. I had set my own goals to the side to take care of someone else's dysfunction.

I was an oops baby born to parents later in life. I was a pain in the rear to them. I use to wander out in the street chasing a ball. Heaven knows where both parents were at the time. Another time I was sent to the store alone and a woman tried to get me in her car. They were kidnapping children back then and a warning had been issued by the school. I was the kid who was the garbage dump. Groomed early to take the blame for problems that were not of my making. In most cases, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Scampie1
Report
Anxietynacy Oct 20, 2024
WOW, scampi, that first paragraph, was powerful!!

Madison, it would also be helpful to us to know more about you, and your life if you can fill out the profile page.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Madison, your parents have been grooming you since the day you were born to be there caregiver.

I think in this case you need to start with you, and your mental health. I think you really need therapy, I know that is expensive, if there is anyway you can figure that out, on a way to get it.

In the meantime I would read up on codependency. Your mom, expesially made you very codependent. Google everything you can find. I would read Melody Beattys book , codependency No More. That is an older book, there may be newer ones that you relate to better being younger, I'm not sure, but that book helped me find my independence years ago, tremendously.

You, need to realize that you need to take care of yourself, your mental and physical self , needs to be your priority. I feel like you probably need much more self esteem, to realize you deserve better!

Mom is going to fight you, mom is not going to be happy with you. That is just something you are going to have to accept.

We have a women that ask us questions now and again. You remind me of her. Or more you remind me of what your life will be like in your 60s if you keep this up.

She is 60 , her parents in there 90s, they live in the same building, her parents run her whole life, and she will not break away for nothing. She writes in ask us questions, but will do nothing to change her life or stick up for herself. Her name is Romeo, if you want to look up her threads, to learn what you don't want to become.

You got some work to do to gain your independence.

If you notice I haven't mentioned your parents, because this is about you, not them. Parents that do what your parents did to you, make me angry , it's you I worry about.

I have a 34 year old son, if he was living his life to take care of me , it would break my heart. Honestly id rather be long dead and buried than to do this to any of my children.

I am so sorry, please stick around here, we will try and help you figure this out. Some information you will take , some may not be what you want, take what works for you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report
Anxietynacy Oct 20, 2024
Madison, I also want to add, after you accept the fact that your life is unmanageable, and things need to change, you can ask us anything and we will try to help you with those changes.

With things like "gray rock" and meditation. There is lots of info here.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Madison, the first thing to do is to check out options. You and your parents are “back together due to financial reasons. My parents have never owned a home, always rented apartments. We have to share rent, bills, groceries, etc. to make it”. You have a job, so YOU are the one propping this up financially. You need to check whether your parents would be eligible for a Medicaid-funded factility. That depends on whether they NEED it (probably need nursing home care, but that depends on your State’s version of Medicaid) and whether they meet the financial requirements. That will tell you what options you have.

If you don’t find an option, you are stuck with this until your parents die. They are not going to change to better behavior, they are going to get worse.

If you DO find an option, you need to know that they are not going to like it. You as financial support, care slavery, and your total life devoted to them, is their best option. To change it, you must accept that there will be melt downs, guilt trips, accusations, anger etc etc etc. There is no ‘magic wand’ that will make them ‘nicer’ or ‘more reasonable’.

But take the first step now. Find out your options. It’s more sensible than assuming that you are all going to end up living in cars.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

Mother's smothering behavour is like a giant iceberg. It is now clearly visible. It must be avoided at all costs or it will damage the ship so badly it will take on water & sink the lot of you. Act now.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Beatty
Report

It appears that you and your parents are in a somewhat precarious financial position, despite your being employed F/T. (BTW, I agree that rents are WAY too high; we pay rent, too.) That can make things more complicated, no question. It sounds like your parents did not do much, if any, planning or preparation for their senior years. Now, it is what it is. They, with your assistance perhaps, need to look into potential financial assistance including government programs that may be able to help them. You cannot be their exclusive old-age care plan! They need to take some responsibility for themselves.

In the meantime, you can start to have a life even under less-than-optimal conditions--if you claim your right to do so. Maybe begin by informing your parents that you will be taking "afternoons off" on the weekend, by yourself (mom not invited even if she pitches a hissy fit!). Go to the library or a movie (cheaper tickets in the daytime). If the weather is decent, try a walk in the park, if possible, or in your neighborhood if it's safe. Go visit a "cat cafe" if there's one in your area and you like kitties. Check your local paper for free or low-cost activities. Baby steps.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to ElizabethAR37
Report
madison8816 Oct 20, 2024
Thank you for your reply. You are correct, they did no planning for their old age, retirement, emergency fund for medical needs, etc. But they also never had the extra money to do so. Mom has always been addicted to spending money. If there was a $5 left, she'd find a way to spend it. But you're right, there are government assistance programs that I should look into right now and plan for before it becomes an emergency.

I like your idea of small steps, I will work hard to do just that. There are plenty of things to do around here that cost little to nothing.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
This is very dysfunctional. They are trying to keep you as a child.

Tell them no. Let her cry. Straighten her out when she says you are mean.

You deserve me time where you can nurture yourself. You didn’t cause them to age and there is nothing you can do to make them happy.

Have you thought about going to therapy? You need boundaries and to learn and develop skills for this situation.

but, yeah, so what who cares if your mother gets upset. Oh well.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Southernwaver
Report

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard with your dad being deaf as well. Such a complicated situation. I'm not going to offer solutions, as you said you wanted to hear you are not alone and some sympathy. You are definitely not alone in feeling trapped, many here do or have as well.

I hope you can engage with some resources soon so you can enjoy life, it's not too late for you 🥺. I know you know the way things are now is not sustainable. I'm so sorry, I know it feel hopeless and insurmountable... Save yourself you are young, you mentioned counseling in another post, please do engage with someone. There is a document a caregiver support person shared with me called a caregivers bill of rights, please Google it. You deserve happiness and a full life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to casole
Report

Madison--Also consider getting your own efficiency apartment. You have your own paycheck so you should qualify for a lease. It sounds like you are in prison now.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to brandee
Report

While there's a lot here that doesn't make sense, I think the problem isn't your parents. I am wondering on the basis of all you write if you ever left home at all?
While your mother's overprotection is a concern, I cannot know where, when or how it began. Nor the real reasons for her concern. I feel like I am missing some piece of information that's crucial to understanding all this.

You say that you feel trapped in a prison and feel unable to leave.
Can you tell me what exactly it is you suppose will happen if you leave home tomorrow with some of your savings and rent a small apartment nearby to your parents?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
ElizabethAR37 Oct 19, 2024
That is the $64,000 question for the OP! Along with, "Have you ever lived on your own?" and "How old are your parents, and if there's 'no medical reason' why they cannot be left alone, then why hasn't it happened so that YOU have at least somewhat of a life?

You are 34, which is well into adulthood, and have a F/T job. I was married and essentially on my own at 21; many young people live independently well before that. Time to try it, IMO. You should NOT have to "sneak out" like a 14 Y/O to get some time for yourself!
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Let her throw a fit. Leave. If you feel you must tell Mom you have a personal appointment or a class but really you don't have to tell her anything.

I'd try to get at least once or several times daily on your own.

Go to the park. Join a yoga class. Go to religious services. Take some other classes.
Get therapy for yourself. Get your nails done. Get your hair done. Go to the library. Go out for coffee. Walk around the Mall.

Go see a friend. Go out on some dates.

They are fine alone. Let them be alone.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to brandee
Report

You say they can be alone .

Then go out. So Mom gets mad . Too bad , she will have to deal with it.

Tell her you need a life outside of the apartment to see people your own age .

I would think about telling your parents that this is no longer working and they need to go to senior living .

As already said Mom may have dementia .

You are not responsible for their happiness . You should not give up your life . Your mother should be encouraging you to go live your life , instead of taking it out on you that she is declining and making you suffer for it . You should not be housebound just because she is .
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

Has your mother been tested for dementia? She's shadowing you and your father, and having emotional outbursts which is typical dementia behavior.

You WILL rot in place if you continue on this path! You deserve a life of your own, a husband, children, the whole 9 yards. Your parents can go to Senior Living or hire in home help. You don't mention their ages or why they require you to live with them, other than losing her independence and aging? She has dad to help her and to talk to.

You really need to be out on your own at 34 and not be tied down to them like this, that's not how life is supposed to work.

I'm sure you're not alone in missing out on your life or feeling trapped. I hope someone comes along who's put themselves in the same boat to commiserate with you. I suggest you tell them you're moving out, you love them dearly, but it's time now. Wouldn't they like grandkids? Or for you to be happy?

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
madison8816 Oct 19, 2024
Thanks for your reply. They are both almost 70. Mom is physically disabled and can barely walk. Dad is not mentally capable of helping her in any way and he is deaf. He can take care of his own personal hygiene, but that's it. Mom did everything for him for 40 years, and now that she can't do it, it's fallen into my hands. If mom would have another fall, dad would never know because he's always in his own world and also can't hear. Last time she fell, she hit her head on a wooden table. But I guess I could get her a life-alert button, although I know she would never bother to have it on her.

(Edited to add this) Mom has not been tested for dementia. It may be safe to get a test done but I highly doubt it. She is manic bipolar so I think that's what is happening. She takes no medication nor receives treatment for her condition because she doesn't "believe" in feelings and emotions.

They've never had a life. They've never had friends in my lifetime, they've never been out as a couple, they never do anything separately. Their lives have revolved around me exclusively for 34 years. So you would think any parent would love to be a grandparent, but not them. The 3 of us are very much emotionally enmeshed. I think at my age and in my situation, having my own family is off the table. Sure I can still get married at any age, but I don't see myself meeting someone and having a child within the next 6 years before I hit 40, unless I would adopt which would be a beautiful thing.
(3)
Report
Take your breaks. Take your drives, watch the sunset, and go to the movies. Go on dates like a regular person. Let them have their tantrums and melt downs. You ignore tantrums in young children, and you do the same with elderly people. You do what you can but then you get on with your life. You don't quit your job or go part time to stay home. When elderly parents need a higher level of care, it is time to start looking for placement. Worrying, guilt and fear is not going to change their circumstances. Like someone said on this board, you can't fix old.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

Well madison, you are missing out on a whole lot of life and living and I'm not sure I'm understanding why it is at the age of 34, that you're still living at home with your parents.
They can't be all that old if you're only 34.....what maybe in their 50's early 60's tops?
Sadly it sounds like you have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your parents and it really is time to cut the proverbial apron strings, so you can spread your wings and fly.....far far away from your mom and dad. And to a life full of all the sunsets and pumpkin picking your little heart can handle.
But you'll never be able to do those things as long as you're stuck living with your parents who have a strong hold over you. And quite honestly your parents should NOT require ANY care from you at their young ages, as they have each other for when they really do start to age and have issues.
We are NOT responsible for our parents at any point along the way, and they are only responsible for us until we become an adult, and then we are to leave and make a life of our own.
You are well beyond being an adult now, so it's time to start acting like one. So start looking for your new place tonight and make a plan to move out in a months time. You'll be so glad you did. And just think about how many sunsets you can go and enjoy all by yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
AlvaDeer Oct 19, 2024
Paragraph one says it all. "I am not sure why................" Yes, indeed. There is more, I am afraid, to this story.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter