I already know i'm probably going to receive backlash off of what I'm about to post, and that's fine. I'm just here to seek help, if you can provide that, wonderful. If not, thats okay as well.
Time to take it back.
My mom is a US National and my dad is an undocumented immigrant. Back in 2020 they both went back to my dads country of citizenship on their own dime, my dad did not get deported. They were feeling old and adventurous I guess?
A month later, my mom came back alone because she wasn't feeling well. She ended up passing away the day everything shutdown, 3/13/20. My dad couldn't come to the funeral because he thought he was banned from USA due to him overstaying that whole time while we were kids n what not and of course the world just shut down.
So anyways, we had the funeral and my dad ended up being depressed. I swear i think this must have triggered his dementia, because he was fine when he left! Anyways, I made a promise to my dad that I would bring him back to me, and I found a way, 3 years later. Through this program called ESTA.
Now before you all get on me about why I didn't get his papers, I was literally broke recovering from my moms funeral that I had to pay out of pocket. No life insurance. I barely got my dad back. Living off of noodles, bread and cheese until my next paycheck.
Anyways, I brought my dad back, and immediately knew something was wrong the very same day. He was talking to himself at night, kept calling me my mom's name, he could barely even write his name! He was up all night and slept all day. He was just off and I had no clue because when he was back in his country and we talked on the phone, I couldn't tell! I could just tell that he was sad and he wanted to come back home to me because he missed me and his granddaughter(my daughter).
So the plan was, bring him here off of ESTA wait 90 days and then file to get his green card. That plan went out the window. I got the first part done but was unable to do the rest because I ended up having to take several days off of work to watch him, this ended up with me not getting paid for those days because eventually I ran out of PTO, he flooded my apartment 3 times when I was at work and I had to pay out of pocket for that, he got lost in my apartment complex several times to where I had to basically lock him in my apartment. It was just a lot omg, and I'm a single mom so theres that too. My daughter was basically my assistant caretaker and I feel horrible for having to put her through that she isn't even a double digit age!
Now, I was able to get him medi-cal in California due to the new law where anyone 65 and older can get full scope medi-cal regardless of legal status. But just getting appointments take forever. They never officially diagnosed him for dementia because they weren't sure if it is lewy body, alzheimers, alcohol induced( he used to be a drunk). The medicine they prescribed him, i swear would just make him WORSE! I was just stressed beyond my days but I was willing to ride it out. He took care of me, now its my turn, right? I just didn't expect it to be this hard.
Fast forward to now, my dad took a bad fall down the stairs. The hospital kept him for more than 3 days. But as much as it breaks my heart, I cannot care for him. For my own mental health, for my daughter. I mean we were almost out on the street together as a unit! I told the hospital it was an unsafe discharge and they were MAD!!!! They brought the sheriff to my place and I had to tell them it was unsafe and they left. Now I'm feeling terrible. Crying everyday because there is literally no help! I have no siblings. I don't want my dad to go back to his country, I want him here, I just cant provide that care. I can't quit my job and do IHSS because rent is EXPENSIVE and IHSS pay can't cover my rent. I just don't know what to do. I read that last resort would be a ward of state but will that deport him? I'm now scared to even visit him in the hospital.
The doctor at the hospital also said he needs extensive around the clock supervision/help and that he would provide me with resources. The resources were PACE and IHSS...... already tried PACE, twice! IHSS, I cant quit my job for and was told it would take a long time to get one of their providers to come and that it all depends on the eval how many hours they can stay.
My mom had SS, but my dad cant get the survivor benefit because he doesn't have a SS number. Or I would've applied for the ALW waiver. I cant afford to pay 1400 a month. My dad has no money. I been taking care of him off my own dime besides Medi-cal paying for medical stuff.
But here’s the thing . You owe your own child as stable a life as you can give her .
You don’t owe your father . Your statement “ He took care of me , now it’s my turn , right ?”…..
Is pure nonsense .
Your father’s predicament , however this plays out , is of his own doing for not going through proper immigration process years ago . This is not your fault , and you can not fix it .
I’m not bringing this up as a slam about being undocumented .
This is no different than any other parent that does not ( or can not ) prepare for their elderly years. Even if Dad were a ( broke ) citizen , your first responsibility is to your own child . Your child SHOULD NOT have grandpa living with her .
You should let this play out with the authorities taking over , do not cave from pressure to take Dad home . You need to keep saying that no one is home to take care of him , you have to work.
Again , I don’t know what will happen to him , but you know what will happen if you bring him home . Bringing him home is unsafe for all of you , including possibly traumatic for your daughter .
If he gets deported that is not your fault , it’s the consequences of him not getting citizenship . None of this is your fault , and you CAN NOT FIX IT.
Take care of you and your daughter . She is just starting out in life and needs and deserves a parent . Neither you nor your daughter should suffer from your Dad’s errors as an adult that brings him to the situation he is in today. Your Dad has lived his life already , and it may have a sad ending due to his own poor decisions not to become documented .
Your daughter is the innocent bystander here , don’t let the result of your Dad’s poor decisions effect her , it’s not fair to her .
I just hope no one ever has to go through that again. Just wanted to share my sympathys for that.
Secondly, we don't judge here! We are here to help if we can , no judgment at all from most of us.
And 3rd I agree with waytomisery,you can't fix this and you have to put your family first.
But it sounds like what he needs, he cannot have here due to his status.
What are the options in his home country? Would he qualify for care there? Does he have relatives there who could help?
The hospital Dr says that he needs care 24/7 and it sounds like your dad cannot qualify for this here due to his status.
Even if you manage to get him in a day program as you say you want, I worry your life is going to be a series of severe crises. You could lose your living situation, lose your job, trying to deal with all this. Think long and hard about this. His needs sound too great for any one person to manage. Why throw yourself into that, which could have disastrous effects on you and your daughter and not even help him in the end??
If he has dementia — and it sounds like he does — he is going to continue to get worse. My advice is to start thinking a little more long term and not what you want this week or this month. Even if you get what you say you want for him (which sounds unlikely) what about a year from now when he will be worse and more difficult to manage? Are you going to say to yourself, thank goodness I got him in that program? I think you are more likely to still be in crisis mode because the day program will not be enough. And you and your daughter will have suffered through another year of crisis. Sorry to be a downer.
Best Wishes to you
Grief itself can be traumatic.
Grief on top of any small amount of dementia can make any dementia worse..
Dementia can cause unsteady walking & falls. Fractures can cause delerium in the elderley & make any dementia worse too.
Any citizen in this situation, unable to self care due to fracture/surgery/?delerium/?dementia will need 24/7 care. If family cannot (due to whatever reason then Nursing Home care is needed.
Your Father's lack of US citizenship is another complication on top. I have zero knowledge on that part but would suggest contacting the relevant Embassy for his citizenship country. Ask their advice - how to stay & if this is impossible, what legal or other help can be provided.
His failure to prepare has resulted in these unfortunate circumstances but you have to think about your daughter and yourself first and your dad last in this scenario.
He may very well be deported but it is doubtful since you are in CA and they have many programs and funding available to keep him here, especially since he is not mentally well enough to travel at this point.
This is not your fault. Your Dad entering this country illegally causes so many problems later. He has no work history so no SS or Medicare. You are lucky he got MediCal. You need him in a safe place. He cannot be left alone. Stick by your guns that you cannot afford to care for him. Hopefully the State will take over and place him. Again, you did not cause this problem, he did. I hope it all works out. Update us.
That California grafted all illegals into the state’s system for poor people means they’ve assumed the risk of treating citizens and illegals the same.
to be clear on some parts, the reason I said it’s my turn to help care for dad is all based on culture. Like I was brought up this way. Its very unlikely to see Polynesian people put into homes because that’s just how we were raised. When you get older, help take care of your parents. But I do understand that there is a point in where you have to set a boundary.
when it comes to my daughter. Her and my dad are best friends. Even when he was outside of the country, they were on the phone allllll the time running up my bill. I feel horrible for having to have her help me, that’s not her job, she should be a kid! But she loves her papa. When she seen me stressed with dad, she would just take over without me even asking her. 😭😭 She still wants him home with us even though she knows we can’t and I love her little heart for that. I hope one days she becomes a nurse, I think she would be great, if wants though.
now for the update:
the social workers here are straight up mean! I had two different social workers calling and threatening me to pick him up, that it’s my responsibility, where is the money. I tried to get the name of the last Social worker and he hung up on me!!! I’m scared to even visit my dad in the hospital thinking they’ll just discharge him when I’m there.
Then another social worker called and left a VM, they said my dad would be referred to an LPS conservator to help make decisions and to secure services and placements that’s needed. Exact words.
On my end:
I called social security to see if my dad can claim my mom’s SS through survivor benefits. I’ve tried this before and they said no because he wasn’t a citizen but I thought I’d try again. N what do you know! The man said that my dad could have gotten paid even in his own country as long as it were a legal marriage. But since he is in the states he needs a social security number even if it’s not valid, which he does, my dad had it in the past but I’m not sure what happened? I was young.
So I have the ball rolling on that, the claim was submitted and I have an appointment to really see if it’s approved. He can even get back pay. And I’m crossing all my fingers and toes that it’s approved so that I can finally tell the social worker, here is the money. Take it all! Just please place him in a home where I can still visit.
Also under my mom and her full benefits he can get Medicare too! I’m not too sure how that’s just what the social security guy told me. But the open enrollment isn’t until January.
I talked to my cousins about me being scared of him being deported and they also said it’s probably unlikely. 1. We’re in California and 2. He probably will be a flight risk. Like the airplane people will most likely deem him unable to fly.
But I know that I shouldn’t bank on all this. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
and again just thank you all. I needed this, just all around support.
Inpray to God that when I get old I do not have dementia. I will take myself to the highest building in my city before putting this on my daughter. Sounds horrible but seriously! This is just so hard and so sad. I wish there were more for those with dementia. I want to see if there are any like places that are in the works of trying to provide more care and help to our elders. I want to be a part of that.