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My mother expects to be waited on and is capable of doing things herself. She is constantly asking someone to get her this and that when it's 2 feet away from her chair. I love my mom but she's on my last nerve with this and she's only 71 and can get around as good as anyone. She's very lazy and annoying. I live with her bc she wants a caretaker but isn't sick. I want to move out but she depends on my help with rent and makes me feel bad if I mention it. She has a husband and she does the same to him he has to do his own laundry and cook his own meals most of the time bc she just won't do anything including shower more than once every week or 2. She did get sick a month ago and was in the hospital for a bladder infection and since she's been out it's gotten worse. I don't know what to do should I stay or should I go before she gets worse and makes our relationship suffer and me not like her.

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Move out, the sooner the better. You state mom doesn’t need a caretaker, and barring some major health issues, she certainly shouldn’t at her age. Don’t feed her unreasonable demands. Move out and provide for your own life and future
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Your mother is manipulating you. Guilt-tripping you into staying until she dies, at the expense of developing your own independent life! That is exactly the opposite of what a parent is supposed to do. Please get away from this household as soon as possible and get some therapy for yourself so you can move on without feeling guilty. Your mother will manage once she needs to.
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Reply to MG8522
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KNance72 Dec 30, 2024
Amen
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Move out asap .
If they depend on you for rent , they need to downsize to something they can afford .
This will only get worse as your mother is willingly causing a decline and going to need care . She assumes you are her servant .

Find a place to live ( with a roommate if needed) . Once you have it set up, tell Mom you need your own place , and you are moving out . Good Luck .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I would definitely move out because she is manipulating you. You said she has a husband so she will not be alone. I do not understand why some parents are like this. My dad still tries to make me feel guilty even though he is in a facility. Please move and get some therapy because this kind of treatment affects the mind. Trust me, I know.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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Go. Asap. You will get stuck.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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You are enabling her feigned helplessness. That is not healthy for her, you, or her husband. Your intentions are good, but it is backfiring. Please move out and use the money you are spending subsidizing them to save for your own retirement and building your own independent, happy life.
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Reply to MG8522
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How Old are You ? I hate to tell you this But it will Only get worse . You could say " Please Ms . Kim Can You Get me that ? " and give her a Look .... It is a demand , command . My Mother got Like that and it was irritating . She has a husband go find a room and a Room Mate . Life is short .
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Reply to KNance72
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Why did you choose this for yourself?
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Justagirlkim Dec 29, 2024
I don't think I chose this knowing it would be this way. She was getting frail and kind of sick years ago when I decided to move in and she kept saying she may have a cancer of some sort but wouldn't get checked out due to fear. She has always kinda wanted other people to do things for her but never to this level. Well after we decided to move into a bigger house to accommodate everyone I found out she was not sick and I just stayed bc she asked me to stay until she dies so I have always thought I'd feel really bad if I left and she died. I really don't know how it came to this I just know I'm frustrated and confused about what I should do bc she would be devastated if I left. My sister lives an hour and a half away and doesn't get up here more than once a month but I wish it was me that had moved away.
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Where is her husband in all of this?? He needs to step up. Stop enabling the both of them.

Quietly make plans to move out. She can't manipulate you if you don't tell her your intentions. You can help her find and apply for section 8 housing. She can get food stamps. If she's older than 67-1/2 she can start collecting social security and make sure she's enrolled in Medicare. She can apply for Medicaid if she starts to have health problems.

Please read the many other posts on this forum under the topic Burnout. If you saty, your resentment will just grown and your relationship will deteriorate while your struggle to retain your mental health. You must move out before things get worse.

It will be hard for a while, she will pull out all the manipulation stops but you know it is all just hot gas so ignore all of it. Just smile and redirect the conversation. If she can't be happy for your, she's a crappy Mother.

You're not responsible for her happiness. We don't get to chose our family members but we do get to chose how much we interact with them. Chose a better, healthier life for yourself. You will still be able to see your Mom if you want. And you can leave the minute she starts to manipulate you.

Also please consider some therapy so that you can identify and defend healthy boundaries. If your Mom can manipulate you, so can others. This would be a disaster for your life. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you seek to live a healthy, normal life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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This seems to be a somewhat mutual unspoken agreement based on mutual neediness. You may be afraid to move away from home and get on with a life of your own; you likely have no work history if you have been staying as a caregiver. And your mother has been taught dependence when it were better she had been forced to remain independent to the extent she was able.

Whether or not you choose to change your life is up to you. You're a grownup. You have made poor decisions here that have had a bad impact on both your lives. I would consider seeing a good cognitive therapist (none of that online nonsense) in the New Year to comb out what goals you have for the rest of your life. It will take great courage now to move out on your own with your own life. I wish you the very best of luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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