My dad passed away 4 months ago. My parents lives in the Northeast, I live in the Southwest. My mom was struggling with losing her life partner of 65 years and being in the house by herself, so she's moved in with me for 3 months.
I always had a good relationship with her, but I can't take the constant invasion of my privacy. I never have a minute to myself. I work from home, so we are together 24/7. She won't drive and is terribly dependent on me. I can't do anything by myself anymore and I am getting resentful. The minute I'm done working, she's waiting to interact with me and I have no down time.
She relies on me for everything and it's so stressful. If I go out back to play or train with my dog, she stands there and watches me. I'll ask what we should we have for dinner and she won't offer anything. She can't make a decision to save her own life, but looks to me for everything. I understand that's the era she came from, but it's so codependent.
It's not easy. I find I don't want to interact with her because I already feel so exposed having her watch my every move and having me make her every decision. She even waits and goes to bed at the same time as me. She doesn't know what to do with herself, but I don't know what to tell her to do. Also, My dad left her financially set, but she doesn't pay for anything. It's a bit of a financial burden as it's now twice the coffee, detergent, food, water, etc.
Its 6 more weeks of this, but how do I cope with it? I don't know if I can have her come back next year without a better plan. Right now, I hate my life. I need some help on how to deal with this. I love my mother, but I can't take it.
Having a roommate of any sort is already an adjustment if you're used to living alone. But your roommate is an elderly woman who is probably still mourning her great loss and may have untreated depression. At her age, she may also have memory and cognitive impairment that you never knew was occurring since you didn't interact with her daily.
I strongly recommend 2 things:
1) Make sure your Mom has all her legal ducks in a row: she needs to assign a PoA. This will probably be you, but only if you are willing and able to have this responsibility. But she needs to have a PoA assigned or she risks become a ward of the county with a 3rd party legal guardian.
2) When this is in place then the next thing that must happen is to activate the PoA. This is done by getting her in for her free Medicare annual wellness check, to discount any other causes for her behaviors.
You can set up her medical portal (if you haven't already done this). Communicate with her doctor discretely to request a memory and cognitive test because of the symptoms you are seeing. She probably needs a medical diagnosis on the clinic letterhead signed by the doctor stating a diagnosis. Not every state requires this but my state does.
She also needs to establish a relationship with a primary care provide in order to expedite any medical care going forward, since she's now living in a new state. Make sure you go into every medical exam with her since she won't remember what was said or done. Ask for the HIPAA form making you her medical representative so you can legally get info from her doctor even if she's not present.
Once this is in place you can consider how to solve your roommate issue: either you hire in-home companion aid (which will further degrade your privacy) or you start researching ALs. She needs to pay for it, never you.
My 95-yr old is now the same way: indecisive, can barely entertain herself, can't "read the room", etc. For you and your Mom if she has cognitive decline it will only get worse so don't lose any time working on a solution. You don't need to tell your Mom much since she can't process it well anymore. You can use "therapeutic fibs" to work through her cooperation and changes.
I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you find a new normal that works for both of you.
Life does go on after death and your mom now needs to figure out what her life is going to look like apart from you.
I would sign her up at your local Senior Center, as they always have activities going on for seniors, and then drop her off and pick her up many hours later, and I would most certainly ask that she pay her fair share while she's staying with you.
You can also have her attend your local Grief Share support group as that too will get her out of your house for a little while.
And in all honesty it may be best that when she does go back home that you talk to her about moving into either an independent or assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age and have lots of opportunities for different activities to keep her busy and hopefully she will be content to just stay there and not want to come stay with you other than for perhaps a long weekend.
One can hope anyway huh?
You say you "need help" with how to deal with this, but no one has any power here, other than yourself.
You're going to have to have honest talks with your mother, that this is not working for you, and together you have to explore the options.
In your heart you KNOW the options, and they're dependent on your mom's physical/ mental health and her assets. Either...
1. A nearby efficiency apartment with you looking in and keeping daily contact with her, helping her with shopping and any executive functions she needs help with until a need for placement.
2. An extended care facility. This will take both your energy in looking for a place that's a match, and is quite dependent on Mom's assets.
3. Nursing home.
4. Continuing on with things made right and set in place: Including...
Care contract with shared living costs
Rules on privacy.
Monthly discussions of what is working and what is not
Agreement on circumstances under which Mom will be leaving. This must work for you both, or it's done.
ALL OF THIS requires honest appraisal and honest/open discussion on your parts. You can't remain Moma's little girl. You're grown women with a problem requiring discussions of now and future plans. This must be taken from the realm of DD (darling daughter) to roommate. Roommates who don't discuss end up in a pickle. And if you ever move to caretaker you are truly sunk.
No one can help you here. No magic wands. I think it is always a mistake to take in an elder in this manner, removing them from what little solidity is left to them. You have made your mother a stranger without a country and that is added on the loss of a spouse. She is now becoming enmeshed and solidly dependent on you and you alone.
If you choose to continue you may have a decade more (and I am guessing age on length of her marriage) easily, and you will need RULES to get through because things won't be getting better. The trajectory here is downward AT BEST.
I am so very sorry. Only you can manage this; if you need help I'd suggest counseling by a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice who's familiar with life transitions management. This needs to come out of the realm of wishful thinking and into the realm of hard reality. I wish you good luck.
What you describe is what you signed up for when you moved your elderly dependent mom in with you.
I’m sorry your dad died and your life has changed.
so in a reread of your post it sounds like this was temporary? She is going back home soon?
Come up with a daily schedule she can follow, including "rest time" for both of you privately at a time of day when YOU need it most. Say from 5pm to 6pm, for instance, is alone time before dinner. Then 6pm to 7pm is dinner, then a walk, tv time, and then goodnight at 9pm. Allow time to unwind without mom following you around. The weekends should be structured too so that both of you have a plan of action to follow.
I personally think 3 months is way too long to have mom as a guest. If that must be the amount of time she stays, look into senior centers for activities. Silver Sneakers for exercise programs. Libraries for programs she can attend solo. Hanging around your home for 3 months doing nothing us too much. Unless you can come up with a schedule for her that keeps her somewhat occupied w/o you driving her all over town all day long.
Best of luck to you, and my condolences on the loss of your dad.
Don't even consider planning annual visits. Get through this one and learn your lesson. Part of being an adult senior is experience and the ability to handle their own lives with reasonable grace.
Dad left Mom financially set, yet Mom hasn't even offered to pay anything? Mom could afford a nice AL on her side of the country. I would be concerned she won't leave your home that easy next. Three months was not a good idea.
Does she have a life back home? Neighbors, friends, and activities? Or was she totally dependent on your dad for interactions. Will she be able to drive and get around once she returns home? Some senior don't feel comfortable driving in unfamiliar areas but do fine in their known territory.
As the others have said, getting her involved with a senior center will take some extra work now, but will save your sanity over the next six weeks.
I wouldn't plan on the three-month visit next year. Maybe the solution is for you to do a short visit to see her on a schedule, like on a three day weekend once a quarter.
But long-term, is she going to be functional in her own home, or will she be this helpless? It might be necessary to consider a senior living facility in which she'll be able to engage with others and not have to worry about driving or cooking. I deeply sympathize with her because she's grieving and mourning the loss of her husband who was literally her entire adult life. She needs engagement far beyond what you can provide while living so far away and working full-time. I hope you can find solutions that work for both of you, so you can reclaim your time while knowing that she is taken care of.
First off, she does not come back for such a long stay next year. Totally off the table. Nothing more than a week or two.
Start off by asking her what her plans are for when she returns home. Sounds to me like she hasn't a clue on how to even pay a bill which is not good. If she does move closer to you it is not in WITH you. Boundary setting at the beginning is very important. Nothing wrong with telling her that you can't handle having a roommate. She may take offense at it but would you rather be totally miserable or have her offended for a couple days.
My husband is 20 years older than I am. I am constantly thinking about how my life will be on my own. And sure there are a lot of unanswered questions. I think previous generations did not plan for such things and just assumed one of their kids would step up and take care of them.
And yes, my mom was similar when she lived with us for close to a year. It did not get better, but only worse. She started using my things (soap, reading glasses), trying to copy what she couldn’t use directly (where can I get shoes like that? What is the name of your perfume?), asking my husband to do everything for her (needed rides to bridge, shopping, hair appts) and never, ever helped us with anything. It was shadowing, but was really starting to enrage me (oops, while you were gone I was sitting on your nice office chair and leaked). So we found a nice Independent Living apartment for her and she did really well for over two years, had a boyfriend, played bridge all the time, enjoyed the activities and social life. She’s in AL now and doing well at 89.
There are some great suggestions here. I like the idea of rest-time every day—tell her that you need to take a nap—then, you can shut your bedroom door and re-charge—it will give you some time in solitude.
This sudden shift in your living-situation might be harder if you’re an introvert. Introverts absolutely have to regularly retreat to their own space for their own sense of equanimity.
The senior’s centre is an excellent idea, too—there might be a class that she could get involved in that would give you something of a break.
It’s also wise to start talking with her about how she’ll manage at home after she returns.
As for your added expenses, it probably hasn’t occurred to her that they are now higher. Next time that you go grocery-shopping, simply tell her that it would help if they could be divided.
The way that you’re feeling is understandable. Her visit will end, and your old life will resume.
She needs help if she is going to move forward and begin functioning more independently and dealing with her new life. Hopefully at home she has a support system-I believe that she will need to use everything available where she lives. If she has close friends or family, make sure she is keeping in contact with with them. I realize this may be more work for you now, but from what you’ve told us, she isn’t able to manage her grief by herself. Plus, if she’s on the phone or Zoom with someone, you’ll have a little bit of time to yourself. I empathize with you both.
It's only 4 months after the loss of the love of her life and the one on whom she was dependent for most things. Your dad's passing must be devastating leaving your mom depressed, lonely and unable to make the simplest decisions, all understandable. She probably doesn't realize how much she bothers you, while she makes an effort to leave you alone during your work hours before regaining your companionship. Also, she may figure her quiet presence while you play with your pet outside isn't disturbing to you as she feels solace in the security of being with you and a bit of lightheartedness watching you and your dog play. Had all of this been going on for a year after your dad's passing, my approach would be different, but it's only 4 months....3 of which she's spending with you. She's had no time to adjust on her own to her loss, so basically she's still actively grieving. Based on the information you've shared, she seems very sweet, noncombative, but just very lost. Please be kind to her. Your loss of your father and her loss of him are two completely different things. As others mentioned, he may have handled all the finances so money management may be new to your mother as well all the other sudden changes in her life.
I'd gently tell her that for now you understand her need to heal, but future visits may have to be shorter, and she'll have to contribute toward costs. I wouldn't hit her over the head right now with stringent rules or agreements on what she should start paying. I would take time to be sure she understands her finances and assets and that she has some plans to develop some socialization once she returns home. While she's with you, introducing her to some possible interests might help her planning for her own future. Expose her to a senior center by spending a couple hours there with her, take her to art museums, implement some home arts and crafts, etc. Help plant those ideas in her head to ease her transition as she makes a very courageous step toward independence. Let this visit be about her healing...she needs that more than you might realize. You can make it 6 more weeks, especially if you start using them to help her be better equipped for her transition once she gets home. My guess is that was the purpose of her extended visit anyway, and through your own frustration you lost sight of that.
Start with finances. Tell her that she needs to carry her share of the financial burden. Calculate her share of rent, utilities, groceries... and share with her what her share is. Let her know that you don't want to destitute her but her living with you shouldn't destitute you either. Come to an agreement that you both are comfortable with. Agree to when "rent" is due.
You are both making adjustments to living together. She is used to having a husband that she most likely catered to, in his latter years. Her world probably revolved around him. With him gone, she has nothing and nobody to anchor her world. She is trying to have you be her new anchor. The problem is that you don't want to be her anchor. Instead you feel confined - anchored - by her hovering presence. She does need time with you - daily - but not constantly. Try to set up times and days that you will be available to her. Also let her know when you need your space and are unavailable for her.
She also needs to find other things to fill her time and give her life meaning. Help her to discover what activities and groups are in your community. She might enjoy activities as the local senior center or YMCA or church. You may have to go with her a couple of times while she "test-drives" these activities until she finds her way.
Great advice on Our Forum, too!
Here's a better plan:
Just like planning for an upcoming vacation, plan to spend some quality time with her, plan some fun activities. Take some time off from work and just focus on being with mom for a while.
Find some activities and friends for her to enjoy independently NOW, and the next time she comes to stay.
She may not know how or where to find places to go, things to do, activities for mature adults. If you do the legwork on this now, you will feel relief when she is active and happy doing something on her own.
TELL HER she needs to contribute to the cost of her stay. She will understand.
It should not be your burden to spend extra on food, utilities, etc.
Suggest some ways she could help. Find something that is within her capacity, such as grocery shopping and preparing dinner a couple nights a week, or taking the two of you out for dinner. She could run errands for you while you are working. That gives her something to do, and gives you a break from her hovering over you. Have her go out and play with the dog - she can toss something for the dog to fetch.
There should be a senior center with activities. And most towns have a list, published and mailed or online, of upcoming events and fun community classes; art, exercise, dance, music, or even a walking club. Plan ahead for her next visit.
Find activities so mom won't be bored and won't be so reliant on you to provide all of her entertainment and social needs. If she doesn't drive, arrange for a ride service.
I don't have suggestions for coping but want you to know this a normal feeling and you will find your way.
The OP's mother is visiting. She's leaving in just over a month. Someone can wait that out.
If you need a break from her, get in your car and take a drive. Go visit a friend. Go out to eat. Just take off. You're an adult. You don't owe her an explanation.
Maybe next year you go and visit her instead.
Last paragraph.
So, for CERTAIN Mom leaves in six weeks?
Then, quite honestly, I don't see the problem. You took her in. You understood this is time limited. And it is.
Just be polite. This is almost over.
breaks for the both of you would be great! (even for just a few hours)It will make a great difference. I was a Caregiver for my Mother 30 years ago. I had her come live with me I understand the reversed roles very hard. and no privacy I get it!
blessing your way Maria