My dad passed away 4 months ago. My parents lives in the Northeast, I live in the Southwest. My mom was struggling with losing her life partner of 65 years and being in the house by herself, so she's moved in with me for 3 months.
I always had a good relationship with her, but I can't take the constant invasion of my privacy. I never have a minute to myself. I work from home, so we are together 24/7. She won't drive and is terribly dependent on me. I can't do anything by myself anymore and I am getting resentful. The minute I'm done working, she's waiting to interact with me and I have no down time.
She relies on me for everything and it's so stressful. If I go out back to play or train with my dog, she stands there and watches me. I'll ask what we should we have for dinner and she won't offer anything. She can't make a decision to save her own life, but looks to me for everything. I understand that's the era she came from, but it's so codependent.
It's not easy. I find I don't want to interact with her because I already feel so exposed having her watch my every move and having me make her every decision. She even waits and goes to bed at the same time as me. She doesn't know what to do with herself, but I don't know what to tell her to do. Also, My dad left her financially set, but she doesn't pay for anything. It's a bit of a financial burden as it's now twice the coffee, detergent, food, water, etc.
Its 6 more weeks of this, but how do I cope with it? I don't know if I can have her come back next year without a better plan. Right now, I hate my life. I need some help on how to deal with this. I love my mother, but I can't take it.
And yes, my mom was similar when she lived with us for close to a year. It did not get better, but only worse. She started using my things (soap, reading glasses), trying to copy what she couldn’t use directly (where can I get shoes like that? What is the name of your perfume?), asking my husband to do everything for her (needed rides to bridge, shopping, hair appts) and never, ever helped us with anything. It was shadowing, but was really starting to enrage me (oops, while you were gone I was sitting on your nice office chair and leaked). So we found a nice Independent Living apartment for her and she did really well for over two years, had a boyfriend, played bridge all the time, enjoyed the activities and social life. She’s in AL now and doing well at 89.
First off, she does not come back for such a long stay next year. Totally off the table. Nothing more than a week or two.
Start off by asking her what her plans are for when she returns home. Sounds to me like she hasn't a clue on how to even pay a bill which is not good. If she does move closer to you it is not in WITH you. Boundary setting at the beginning is very important. Nothing wrong with telling her that you can't handle having a roommate. She may take offense at it but would you rather be totally miserable or have her offended for a couple days.
My husband is 20 years older than I am. I am constantly thinking about how my life will be on my own. And sure there are a lot of unanswered questions. I think previous generations did not plan for such things and just assumed one of their kids would step up and take care of them.
Does she have a life back home? Neighbors, friends, and activities? Or was she totally dependent on your dad for interactions. Will she be able to drive and get around once she returns home? Some senior don't feel comfortable driving in unfamiliar areas but do fine in their known territory.
As the others have said, getting her involved with a senior center will take some extra work now, but will save your sanity over the next six weeks.
I wouldn't plan on the three-month visit next year. Maybe the solution is for you to do a short visit to see her on a schedule, like on a three day weekend once a quarter.
But long-term, is she going to be functional in her own home, or will she be this helpless? It might be necessary to consider a senior living facility in which she'll be able to engage with others and not have to worry about driving or cooking. I deeply sympathize with her because she's grieving and mourning the loss of her husband who was literally her entire adult life. She needs engagement far beyond what you can provide while living so far away and working full-time. I hope you can find solutions that work for both of you, so you can reclaim your time while knowing that she is taken care of.
Don't even consider planning annual visits. Get through this one and learn your lesson. Part of being an adult senior is experience and the ability to handle their own lives with reasonable grace.
Dad left Mom financially set, yet Mom hasn't even offered to pay anything? Mom could afford a nice AL on her side of the country. I would be concerned she won't leave your home that easy next. Three months was not a good idea.
Come up with a daily schedule she can follow, including "rest time" for both of you privately at a time of day when YOU need it most. Say from 5pm to 6pm, for instance, is alone time before dinner. Then 6pm to 7pm is dinner, then a walk, tv time, and then goodnight at 9pm. Allow time to unwind without mom following you around. The weekends should be structured too so that both of you have a plan of action to follow.
I personally think 3 months is way too long to have mom as a guest. If that must be the amount of time she stays, look into senior centers for activities. Silver Sneakers for exercise programs. Libraries for programs she can attend solo. Hanging around your home for 3 months doing nothing us too much. Unless you can come up with a schedule for her that keeps her somewhat occupied w/o you driving her all over town all day long.
Best of luck to you, and my condolences on the loss of your dad.
What you describe is what you signed up for when you moved your elderly dependent mom in with you.
I’m sorry your dad died and your life has changed.
so in a reread of your post it sounds like this was temporary? She is going back home soon?
You say you "need help" with how to deal with this, but no one has any power here, other than yourself.
You're going to have to have honest talks with your mother, that this is not working for you, and together you have to explore the options.
In your heart you KNOW the options, and they're dependent on your mom's physical/ mental health and her assets. Either...
1. A nearby efficiency apartment with you looking in and keeping daily contact with her, helping her with shopping and any executive functions she needs help with until a need for placement.
2. An extended care facility. This will take both your energy in looking for a place that's a match, and is quite dependent on Mom's assets.
3. Nursing home.
4. Continuing on with things made right and set in place: Including...
Care contract with shared living costs
Rules on privacy.
Monthly discussions of what is working and what is not
Agreement on circumstances under which Mom will be leaving. This must work for you both, or it's done.
ALL OF THIS requires honest appraisal and honest/open discussion on your parts. You can't remain Moma's little girl. You're grown women with a problem requiring discussions of now and future plans. This must be taken from the realm of DD (darling daughter) to roommate. Roommates who don't discuss end up in a pickle. And if you ever move to caretaker you are truly sunk.
No one can help you here. No magic wands. I think it is always a mistake to take in an elder in this manner, removing them from what little solidity is left to them. You have made your mother a stranger without a country and that is added on the loss of a spouse. She is now becoming enmeshed and solidly dependent on you and you alone.
If you choose to continue you may have a decade more (and I am guessing age on length of her marriage) easily, and you will need RULES to get through because things won't be getting better. The trajectory here is downward AT BEST.
I am so very sorry. Only you can manage this; if you need help I'd suggest counseling by a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice who's familiar with life transitions management. This needs to come out of the realm of wishful thinking and into the realm of hard reality. I wish you good luck.
Life does go on after death and your mom now needs to figure out what her life is going to look like apart from you.
I would sign her up at your local Senior Center, as they always have activities going on for seniors, and then drop her off and pick her up many hours later, and I would most certainly ask that she pay her fair share while she's staying with you.
You can also have her attend your local Grief Share support group as that too will get her out of your house for a little while.
And in all honesty it may be best that when she does go back home that you talk to her about moving into either an independent or assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age and have lots of opportunities for different activities to keep her busy and hopefully she will be content to just stay there and not want to come stay with you other than for perhaps a long weekend.
One can hope anyway huh?
Having a roommate of any sort is already an adjustment if you're used to living alone. But your roommate is an elderly woman who is probably still mourning her great loss and may have untreated depression. At her age, she may also have memory and cognitive impairment that you never knew was occurring since you didn't interact with her daily.
I strongly recommend 2 things:
1) Make sure your Mom has all her legal ducks in a row: she needs to assign a PoA. This will probably be you, but only if you are willing and able to have this responsibility. But she needs to have a PoA assigned or she risks become a ward of the county with a 3rd party legal guardian.
2) When this is in place then the next thing that must happen is to activate the PoA. This is done by getting her in for her free Medicare annual wellness check, to discount any other causes for her behaviors.
You can set up her medical portal (if you haven't already done this). Communicate with her doctor discretely to request a memory and cognitive test because of the symptoms you are seeing. She probably needs a medical diagnosis on the clinic letterhead signed by the doctor stating a diagnosis. Not every state requires this but my state does.
She also needs to establish a relationship with a primary care provide in order to expedite any medical care going forward, since she's now living in a new state. Make sure you go into every medical exam with her since she won't remember what was said or done. Ask for the HIPAA form making you her medical representative so you can legally get info from her doctor even if she's not present.
Once this is in place you can consider how to solve your roommate issue: either you hire in-home companion aid (which will further degrade your privacy) or you start researching ALs. She needs to pay for it, never you.
My 95-yr old is now the same way: indecisive, can barely entertain herself, can't "read the room", etc. For you and your Mom if she has cognitive decline it will only get worse so don't lose any time working on a solution. You don't need to tell your Mom much since she can't process it well anymore. You can use "therapeutic fibs" to work through her cooperation and changes.
I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you find a new normal that works for both of you.