Why do I get blamed?
Is it too much for me to want to breathe fresh air without having to smell my mother's fart every 10min? Or hear the disgusting flabber and embarrassing noises that seem to echo at the speed of light. Or have to endure her trying to get on me for not wanting to be around her because she smells like some toxic gas bomb factory? Or in public, her dropping the worse fart bombs that leaves people in the area believing the National Guard must be trying to kill undercover Costco member terrorist.
Then she wants to cry when I don't want to sit all up under her. I'm a single 40yr old with no children. I do not want to sleep in the bed with her and she acts like because I don't - I must hate her. So, I tell her no ad have explained in the most patient way possible but she doesn't want to understand. She just wants her way. Why do I get blamed for her hang ups when the problem is coming from her?
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Yes, there are board and care home facilities, but taking someone in with a personality disorder would be questionable at least. There aren't any meds for these mental health problems because they are not physical like depression, ADD, bipolar, etc. They are social/psychological disorders that develop somehow. Only a highly motivated, high functioning person with a borderline peronality disorder will go into therapy, stick with it, take what meds they are prescribed for it is hard work, very hard work for them to get beyond the black/white thinking, etc. There is a group therapy experience specifically designed for them called DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Many therapist will not see any or just a few because they are so difficult and often want to emotionally enmesh themselves to their therapists.
If her mother's mental illness is not creating a safety risk for her or for others and she can basically function form day to day, they would likely leave her alone. Her daughter needs to run for the hills!
That's almost the exact title of the classic "I Hate you, Don't leave me" This is a classic way in which someone with a borderline personality disorder expresses their fear of abandonment. To meet this abandoment need they unfortuately act out in ways that make people abandon them which they interpret as the other person's fault.
However, they create these tornadoes and then step inside of their self-created drama as if they are its victim. It is not rational! They are not rational for they live by impulse.
Get out of there. Have some healthy boundaries in your life!
And you're correct re both Medicaid/Medicare applications. I believe the Medicaid facilitator (who I got through the facility's administration office (yes, I'm sure there is a kickback, but hey, if it helps to get her in I'll take it)
I have been looking around at other facilities and while I may have her moved, I'm not so sure it would be good for her. As you wrote, your mother's transition was seamless and I'd rather the same thing.
The problem as I see it is I don't know the circumstances of the original poster. Some states have lots of services, others not so much. This is why it's hard to advise anyone.
Anyway, thanks for posting. I just felt it would be better for all involved (esp since I saw the mom had just had total shoulder replacement surgery) if she were put into a rehab. She seemed to think she had a few days of respite from having to care for her mom when she actually may have had more and I thought I would bring it up.
:)
A rehab situation is the golden door to making changes, like you suggested. This is the point where mom/dad can just be transitioned from rehab right into another bed or facility. My mom was lucky to be in a continuum care place who simply shifted her from the "rehab room" to another room on the same floor once she became a "resident". It was seamless.
If somebody has Long Term Care insurance (not long term disability) it will pay board/housing like assisted living, nursing home room. Not a lot of people have prepared with this coverage, so they don't have it. My mom cancelled her policy and now has to pay out of pocket for her "rent" in memory care.
For low income people, MedicAID will pay the "rent". The facility has to be willing to take what medicaid will pay though. Not all places do.
MedicARE covers the skilled nursing, doctor, and some of her pharma. Her medi-gap plan covers more of her pharma, but there is still some out of pocket for her meds.
For my mom, living in a facility is the best thing that ever happened to her and it's worth every penny it costs.
It all depends on where you live, what's available, etc.
Moving a loved one into assisted living isn't as easy as it sounds. Assisted Living costs money and Medicare does not pay for it, at least not where I am. Usually, 'assisted living' is self pay, while rehab will be paid for by Medicare (if she has it) with the opportunity of perhaps applying for Medicaid (if she qualifies).
I know of no instance where assisted living is paid for by insurance. Then again, we seem to be all using terminology that isn't the same. There are many different types of living arrangements, but some are self pay. You have to sort through all (if you think your mom's driving you nuts' wait til you get to this part) ask questions of the facility that she'll hopefully end up in and go from there.
FANCY404 - YOU have to grab the reigns here and make some rules. You cannot abandon your obligation or right to earn a wage and live as an adult. You can't become an extension of mom and satisfy all her unsatisfyable needs. It's not possible so quit chasing it. I lived it, I know it.
Get her into a safe situation and get your life back in hand. This may mean she needs to move into an assisted living/skilled nursing situation because her needs are only going to increase, not decrease. This is not a temporary situation that will be over in 6 weeks. You are not the answer to all her problems. You can be the person who finds options and gets her setup to be taken care of properly, so you can get back to your business and sanity.
Think about the long game, and we will help you make a plan.
When my mother had a knee replacement, I had her placed in a rehab center because I wasn't going to argue with her about doing her PT/CT exercises.
So, the question is: Who is going to be home when she gets home from the surgery?
Hopefully, you will have to ('have to") work and she will have to be placed in a rehab center.
This will give you four to six weeks to breath. You won't have to put up with her complaining about the exercises, and the list goes on.
Moms illnesses are: degenerative disc disease, hypertensive, diabetes, torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders, really bad athritis in the spine (spondylosis) are the main issues.
Emotionally, I would call it unstable because she acts as if she doesn't like you but don't want you to leave???!!!!! I don't understand and I'm trying to. When she suggests that I sleep with her I initially felt that was so strange and declined. I draw the line there. I understand sometimes crawl around on her big bed and watch a good movie or have a snack with her on it, but bedtime is sacred to me. I have to refuel and rest my mind and soul. (& might want to talk on the phone without her ear hussling my conversation). She asked me to come home because she couldn't drive, was having a hard time managing her bills, and doing everyday things. She explained it was hard for her to cook for herself and she had been eating soup everyday. I left home when I was 18yrs old and hadn't been back except for visiting. I feel like now she tricked me into coming home. She said she needed me and I came. I never thought she would treat me so badly. My Aunt says she doesn't know how I deal with her and she doesn't come around.
So, I don't know what to do. Now my business is suffering from my lack of attention and work.
What exactly is your mother's illness and why on earth is she demanding this sleep in?
Have you been under her control your entire life?
These next few days will be a break for me though. I'm going to go to the gym and work out, chill at Starbucks, meander in the store without having to rush back. I'm going to talk to perfect strangers and smile. I may even flirt with somebody - LOL!
I have suggested assisted living but she refuses.
No one in my family blames me for anything, but my mom blames me for EVERYTHING since the womb for things going wrong or not working out right in life. I've always known my mom wasn't the nicest growing up and she was hard on me, but here lately, I've learned just how mean she really was and is. I learned that my grandmother wanted to take me away from her because she was so mean to me growing up. It's amazing if that's all you know-how its deceives into believing treatment like that is "normal". Now, I'm the only one left standing willing to take care of her. I'm baffled and confused. I'm full of resentment yet I try to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord. I don't want to be a disappointment or uncaring because she is my mother. BUt God what do I do with this??????
I do agree there are some other things probably going on for you Fancy..and the GasX and Beano could help with her gastric issues, but there could be a more serious medical problem going on...You are young and it sounds like you are frustrated and maybe a little fearful of losing your own life. I know that is how I felt back when I first started doing this..Heck, I still feel that way at times ..but it also sounds like your Mom just wants to be close to you...Don't give up having time to yourself, but it could be your Mom just loves you so much she wants to be close to you and having you there next to her makes her feel secure....
Regardless, if there are other family that could be sharing the duties, make it clear you need help. If they can't or won't help, does mom have funds to pay a companion caregiver? Or maybe she would feel less lonely in a senior apartment. I don't know much details about her needs, but obviously youre overburdened by caring for her. One thing is for sure, Change requires Change. You need to make a change.
You definitely deserve your alone time and I fully understand the farting and burping in public but I have learned to make light of the situation "oh sorry, dad had bean soup for lunch" type comments and have never had anyone be mean or derogatory. Your "me time" is for your sanity, absolutely do not give that up or let your mom make you feel guilty. Hang in there, hopefully it will get better.
Being
Gosh, talk to your friends about how to handle toddler tantrums, because that is strikingly similar to what you are dealing with. No you don't sleep with her any more than you would a small child. Draw the line there.
On the other hand, the farts are produced by what you eat. Cut back on the beans and onions. Buy some Bean-O or Gas -X.
Put a bay leaf under your arm. It won't stop you from sweating but you will smell like soup. LOL.
There are many of us here who come from exceptionally abusive parents, and are now in a caregiving role, or expected to be the caregiver. So we know of what we speak.
The very, very simple answer is to not be there with her. I'm sure it's much more complicated than this. Without any information about your mom's medical situation it's hard to make other recommendations.
Have her see a doctor for the gas, and a geriatric psychiatrist for her mental issues. Gas that bad can come from many different causes. Her diet, her meds, a real medical problem.
Sounds like there's a lot of enmeshed problems that you both need help with.
The first thing I'd do is find somewhere else to live though.