I just love being told that I have to be kind to my husband? He is the mean, lying SOB that knows exactly what he is doing! I told his Psychiatrist that if a person knows they can use the excuse of dementia to get away from hurting you emotionally and physically, then are they really having problems with dementia? She told me that if they think they can get away with it they will do it! He is the one that always lied about everything until 3 years ago when I found out he was a liar! He doesn't have a family doctor, and his Psychiatrist said she'd no longer see him because of his lying! His Psychiatrist said that he is a liar and you can never get anywhere with a liar! The question I always ask the doctors and the county is: Am I not allowed to defend myself when he stops on my toes, pulls my hair and tries to break my fingers and wrists? He jumps from the car when I'm driving! One time he fell in a hole while jumping out and started screaming, "She did it!" I make him sit in the back and I lock the doors so he can't jump out! Does anyone else have this same problem? I tell him that no one but me gives a rat's ass, and he always says sure that's what you say! He is so rude to me at home, but does his nice act outside the house! My biggest fear is that I will be arrested for defending myself or him jumping out of the car while I'm driving! My neighbor had a mentally ill daughter that hurt her several times and her daughter was always sent home after 3 days with new meds! Why isn't there help for the caretakers? Do we have any rights? I have had 2 different counties write up reports and they just say call 911 if he attacks you again! When you live with a liar they know how to turn everything around on you!
I guess you have yet to take any of the advise that was offered you previously huh?
You ask if you have any rights, and I will say that yes, you have the right to leave your abusive husband and after you do, call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by himself. They will come and do an assessment and take over his care from there.
Until you are willing to do that nothing is going to change.
So I will ask you.....what are you waiting for?
When all of his doctors refuse to see him because of his lying then who is going to help me? No doctor will put it in writing that he is unfit to be driving! His first Geriatric doctor wanted to get his license revoked and he lied to him and said he wasn't driving!
I asked his Psychiatrist on his last visit if I could place him somewhere and she said no because he has to have a reason to get an evaluation, like suicide threats! She will not see him anymore because I found months of pills that he hasn't taken that he hid! He is using a supposed dementia problem as an excuse to get away with everything!
You don't understand the problem like most don't unless you are in the middle! My counselor told me yesterday to start recording his outbursts! I already have pictures of the bruises he gave me! The counties have seen them and there is no way to get rid of him until he goes into a hospital and gets a good evaluation! I have spoken to 10 lawyers and they all said to get a divorce from a supposed mentally ill person would look real bad for me and I could be in trouble for abandonment!
I have to take him with me because he totaled my car and the car that is left is hard for me to get into! I have to use a stool to climb in and then I can't reach the stool to pick it up! I have seat rail extenders on the driver side so I can get behind the wheel and not hurt my arthritic knees! I also use a walker since I am so weak from Lyme which was misdiagnosed for months!
Until you know the whole story you have no idea what I have been through!
Don't you think I would just love to feel better and leave? I was in the hospital for several days and my son-in-law stopped to get my walker and he told me that he had the weirdest reaction from him! No concern for me or questions about me! The day I was taken by ambulance to the hospital his counselor called and asked why I was on his cell phone? I said it's my phone we only have 1 since he got us in debt for $72,000! She said what debt? I asked her, you don't know the truth? She said put him on the phone! She yelled at him for lying and asked him about me and he told her I was waiting for the doctor to cb! I could hear her yelling about lying to her! She cut him off too for lying! All of this going on in front of my home visit nurse! All three nurses put on my reports that I had an unstable husband! Everybody has their notes! What good does that do me?
I couldn't wait for "help" to fix things for me, or the police to protect me from a man I CHOSE to stay with, so I fixed things MYSELF, sans excuses. Otherwise, I'd have wound up in an early GRAVE waiting for "help" while I stood on my soapbox insisting I deserved that help and nobody cared about me.
In reality, there's very little protection for women who choose to stay married to abusive men. Or even women who are stalked by men who constantly threaten and harass them to the brink of a nervous breakdown. Watch Obsession on The Crime Network sometime.
We can't help you here on the forum. A therapist can't help you either. Only YOU can help yourself by getting away from this man and getting your own life and health back under control. Regardless of how things "should be", things aren't that way. You can rage against the moon all you'd like, or you can take action. It's up to you. You don't need luck you need determination, self reliance and enough self respect to know you deserve more.
Good for you. I am in this boring office on a cold and rainy day giving you a round of applause.
No one has to live with abuse from anyone. There are organizations out there that will help a victim of domestic violence. I used to volunteer with one when I had the time, now I just write a check.
Ihave4dogs does have an advatage though. If her husband has dementia she can get placed or make him a Ward of the State. This way she doesn't have to flee her home with nothing but the clothes on her back like you had to. You have respect and admiration for taking back your power and not living your life in permanent victimhood.
Why would this be any different than carrying pepper spray? Or defending herself? Or using a bit of intimidation to get care done that must get done?
Your response does seem just a bit hypocritical now, doesn't it? If it came from me (and it certainly sounds like something I'd say), you would be all over it.
My county has free services for battered women.
Stay in a womens shelter if you have to until you can get an efficiency apartment.
Some people like to play the victim to get sympathy from others instead of doing what they know needs to be done to turn things and their life around.
You say you've done everything up to this point, yet you actually haven't done everything as you haven't left yet.
And in one of your responses you ask why it should be you who leaves and I will ask why shouldn't it be you who leaves? You are the one being abused, so yes it should be you who leaves. And once APS and the state take over for your husband and get him placed in the appropriate facility, then you can move back home if you so choose.
But in all reality it sounds like you need to placed in an assisted living facility, with all your health issues as well. The state can help you with that as well.
So quit being the victim and start doing EVERYTHING in your power including moving out , even if it's to a woman's shelter for the time being, so you can be a VICTOR instead.
It's WAY past time to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
You say this to us in return for all our responses over several posts from you:
"My question was about caretakers being abused! You can be abused by the so-called sick person that's eating away at your years, your health and no one cares! I've reported him while I was being asked about my black toe nails and my bruises! If I did that to him I'd be in trouble! No one showed up to see what is going on here!"
The sad truth here --given you have been to TEN LAWYERS--is that there may truly be no help for you until you leave the situation.
You are an adult.
You aren't in jail.
You can do a division of finances and leave the home. Report to APS that senior you are leaving alone and untended and in need of emergency care in your absence.
The sad truth in ALL OF LIFE is that there is not always an answer.
The sad truth in ALL OF LIFE is that not everything can be fixed.
I am very uncertain here what you want from us, because with 10 attorneys on board you clearly are in the know on how to reach out for help and advice.
I can't see what more we can do for you but give you our most sincere sympathy.
That I certainly do. You have my most sincere sympathy, I help you get either psychological or social services counseling on how to move forward to SAVE YOURSELF.
2. You are allowed to defend yourself from violence, whatever the reason. I don't advise getting in a big to-do with him because that will anger him and escalate the problem. The best thing to do is unengage, immediately call 911 and let them handle it. Do not argue. Protect yourself, but that doesn't mean hurting him. Just get out of the way.
3. You aren't required to take care of this man, even though he is your husband. He's very sick. He needs to be in a facility. Find one and make sure he gets there.
4. If you don't like the advice of calling 911 and you don't believe it's possible to live with him without driving him around and accepting his abuse, leave him. People in your situation do it all the time.
Gather all my financial info? You mean my bills? I can't take my house with me and why should I be the one to leave? He hasn't seen a doctor in over a year! Maybe he'll drop dead! He did pass out in the kitchen one night and I was debating whether to call my daughter then he got up! He didn't care when I was taken away in an ambulance so why should I care about him? Maybe he'll take a walk and get lost! No such luck!
He has reported me and she got so confused and interviewed me! I thought she was the home visiting person and thought it was weird that she asked me to come outside! They called my daughter and she was livid! She said my mother can hardly walk! He's a liar! My daughter is a mental health counselor! She says what all of his doctors say! He will never stop lying! She said that I am not in charge of him the county closed the case and told my daughter that he lies about everything!
I have reports from the county through the counselors I have seen! One came to my home! She gave me halfway house info! I am way too sick!
The day the ambulance came my nurse helped me outside while she made sure my husband stayed inside and locked the door! When the police came she left! I told him that we decided he should stay inside or he'd let my dog loose and cause a commotion! He asked if he needed a ride to the hospital and I said he's better here! I'm too sick to look after him!
He's mad at me because he can't smoke and he doesn't go anywhere or has any money! I pay all of the bills way before they are due and everything is organized in case my daughter has to find anything! We never eat anything but home cooked foods! He is also mad that he can't drive and use his charges to run up bills!
He would love it if they would come and arrest me and he thinks he could drive and smoke and run up charges just like the good old days!
His Psychiatrist said he is an evil person so full of lies and you can't help liars and hung up! At his last appointment she declared it a disaster! She said you are so sick and he's lying about everything! She said he only cares about lying!
Every doctor knows that he starts fighting in the car! They told me to stop the car and put him out! He tells them she tries to run over me! They all look at me like if only! Everyone says call 911! I am so sick and hardly sleep! He starts his crap in the middle of the night! I have been sleeping in my sun room for months in a recliner because it is better for my arthritis! He hates that I am downstairs! He tells me to go back upstairs and I tell him it's my house I'll do what I want!
He is a mean, nasty, liar! I am not going to make any appointments for him! If he passes out again maybe I'll decide to go upstairs again for a day or so!
I've been a family caregiver for free and a paid caregiver. What I've learned is that you have to put yourself first. Know what you can and can't handle. If this situation is not working for you, it is time for a change.
I saw another caregiver, and she has a similar situation to yours. I almost didn't recognize her. She was so stressed when talking about her situation that every vein in her neck and face was sticking out. It was scary to watch.
I finally told her point blank that she is either going to place her husband or she is going to end up in an early grave. No one, and I mean no one can put up with that ongoing stress without it affecting them healthwise and mentally. I told her what she had was not a marriage but someone who is abusive verbally and physically. It does not have to be physical, but this man is making unnecessary messes like feces on the toilet and on the floor that she cleans every day. He told her that is why she is there to clean and do for him.
These types know what they are doing and will hide behind the guise of mental illness or dementia to keep you as a slave.
As for your finances, get a lawyer who can help you with your husband making purchases using your name without your knowledge. This is financial abuse. You can get the legal information and guidance to eradicate your name from these purchases and credit cards taken out in your name you knew nothing about even if it means filing for bankruptcy to get cleared from this financial nightmare.
Get that restraining order. Also, add the financial abuse to your complaint and how this man has been using your name to rack up dept that you knew nothing about.
Separate your finances from his.
I had a nutcase that was abusive and it took seven years of counseling to get out of this situation. Luckily, I was young enough at the time and still had stamina to pull out of that craziness. Oh, I forgot to mention that my ex was paranoid schizophrenic and eventually went off his medications and attacked my daughter and me one day. I had locked myself in a car loan with this idiot and he kept defaulting on his payments. He kept getting pay checks and would fix it with his accounting office at work by not having taxes taken out. I would be stuck paying a huge sum for taxes at the end of the year. Finally, I started filing separately. He had started using one of my store credit cards that I wasn't aware of after we divorced. He had convinced some dummy at the counter that we were still married! I called the store and spoke with the manager. I told them the situation, and that my ex had used my card under false pretenses. Also, I had made a police report before calling the store. I told them we were divorced and gave them an account of his charges and that I will not be paying for them, and I did not. He was a big liar as well. He started selling things out of his parents home to get money.
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