To people who don’t know her, she appears fine. She has a healthy appetite, sleeps a lot during day but stays up late at night. She asks me to turn the TV on while I’m cooking dinner. I don’t think she has any idea of what she is watching but she’ll never say that. Our home and gardens are very nice. I’ve tried to get her to color or do something in the garden. She won’t. I work from home, do cooking, cleaning etc. but when I take our dog (the only thing keeping me sane) out for a quick walk in broad daylight, I return to a locked house, curtains (usually never closed) pulled tightly shut and some weird story. She tells me there were some men in the house while I was gone. She doesn’t express it fearfully. She just states it as a matter of fact. She can’t turn microwave or TV on but manages to lock several locks in minutes. Does she really think men are in house when I go out or is she just trying to keep me from going out? She has always been possessive but now it’s starting to suffocate me. Might I add that we live in an extremely safe community. She is constantly bored and was before the Alzheimer’s was even part of her life. She’s never had hobbies or interests. I’ve stayed in marriage out of responsibility. I do my best to be patient and kind but it’s hard. I don’t love her but I’m in it because there are no alternatives. I have no one to help and Covid makes it more difficult. Can someone with Alzheimer’s be manipulative? How do I keep my sanity? Without my working and doing everything, it would all fall apart. Covid concerns keep me from bringing any help in to house. I have asthma and issues that put me at high risk for the virus. She has no conditions that I know of that would
make he more vulnerable to Covid but it’s my job to keep her safe since she can’t do it herself. She is too aware of her surroundings to put her in a home (beside the fact I couldn’t afford to do that!). I hate to complain because I know there are many people dealing with terrible things so I just keep it in. If anyone has any ideas or can shed a bit of light on the situation, I’d be very grateful.
You don't mention your age but I recommend an Eldercare attorney very well versed in Medicaid. You will want to split any assets you have. Her split can be spent down on her care and then applying for Medicaid. Doing it this way, you get to keep the house and a car. But if she is on the deed, a lean will be put on the house by Medicaid when she passes on her half. The lean will not need to be repaid until your passing, u leave the house or sell it. Just giving u the basics, each state is different.
Maybe a divorce would be a better choice. But a lawyer can help you balance the pros and cons.
Your wife deserves so much better than what you are able to provide for her under the circumstances, and so do you. Living in a loveless marriage has to be pure hell on earth. You say that you can't afford to put her in a home, but honestly you really could. It might just mean that you would have to give up living the life that you have grown accustomed to. And wouldn't that be worth it to have your happiness and your life back, and your wife getting the care she needs and deserves???
As you already know, things with her disease will only continue to get worse, so why not do now what you will have to do in the future anyway, as there will come a day when she will no longer be able to safely stay in your home. Life is way too short and you both deserve better. Don't continue to try and care for someone you don't love, as there is no way that care can be what's best for your wife. Sad but true.
My husband who I loved and cared for in our home for many years, died 2 1/2 months ago, and I know that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved him very much and that everything I did for him was in his best interests.
I'm not sure that when love is taken out of the equation, you can say the same. Something to think about for sure.
My mother is 'with it' enough to know she lives in a Memory Care ALF; I do not believe a person has to be totally 'out of it' before they're placed. When their care becomes too much to handle at home, or, if the spouse/child is not a care giver by nature, then there is nothing wrong or shameful about placement. She gets lots of activities over there along with lots of meals and interaction with others just like her........it's a win-win for all concerned.
Think long and hard about what you're agreeing to do here, which is to give up your entire life to the care and handling of someone with an unmanageable disease that you do not love. At the very least, get in home help right away, insist they wear a mask & get regular testing, so that will release YOU from the 24/7 burden that you've taken on. A person with AD should not be left alone at all, in reality. It's just a matter of time before she does something harmful to herself, the house, or both.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult task
So it is very possible that she thought there were men in the house. (and if you had the TV on while you were gone the voices might have also made her think there was someone there.
I do hope you have a key to the house that you carry with you.
It might also be time to consider that your wife should not be left alone even for a few minutes that it takes you to walk the dog. She could easily decided that the men in the house were there to harm her and she could have left to either find you or just to get away.
I hate to be a "downer" and this will not come as a surprise to you but the situation will not get better, only more difficult. There may be ways to get help that you need and still keep yourself safe. I suggest that you talk to an agency and ask what the protocol that they follow is and how they would intend to keep you, your wife and the caregiver safe.
Fact of being a caregiver is statistically many caregivers die before the person they are caring for dies. This is due to factors like you not caring for yourself, burn out, stress just to name a few. You have to have help.
((hugs))