My parents (91 & 87) are currently in a nursing home, recovering from serious injuries suffered in an automobile accident several months ago. Their rehab is "up" (Medicare is maxed out) and it's time for a new venue. They can do assisted living, and we've put a deposit down on a 2-BR apartment. Needless to say, they would rather go home, but that's not the best option right now. My Dad in particular is giving me a lot of static about not being able to go home. Plus, his dementia is making it hard to remember my explanations. It's getting harder and harder to maintain my cool about this. Any suggestions on how I can make this repeated argument go away?
I throw my Moms doctor under the bus constantly.
At 87, mom's days of being stable "at home" even with some home health coming in are probably numbered. My mom was MUCH better off in a facility with lots of activities and socialization and varied food than she was when she was at home with an aide coming in.
it was very awkward at times, cause the main reason was the dementia for both of them. there was a long adjustment time...
my dad passed away after 4 years in AL. my mom still there. she doesn't talk any more about going home. shes been there since 2011. but the beginning was HARD. each day was a pinch closer to having them forget how it used to be. (home)
im glad they went to AL when they did.
edit sometimes I would just have to walk away to the hallway or into the little kitchen area. act like I didn't hear. and then for the moment they forgot what theyd just asked.
You might say something like, "I know you want to go back home, but we (you and your mom) love you and want to keep you safe, so we're getting your stuff moved to your apartment for you for a while. Mom's gonna be right there with you."
You'll probably have to repeat it a lot, at least until he gets settled in, but just keep reminding him, you and mom love him and want to keep him safe.
As usual, I'm reading a lot about "my mom", but little about men- a totally different situation! My Dad is 92 and was just placed in hospice care. I've decided to move him from Independent Living into AL and I'm not sure how he'll react. When I moved him from Florida to his apartment close to me 2 years ago, he didn't handle it very well and got sick for a couple weeks after the move. He's very independent and stubborn. Just know that as hard as you try to talk about the move, I don't think they can process it. My dad asks over and over if there is a plan even though I talk to him about it everyday. I have a feeling that once he's in AL, he'll decline. It's a very hard thing to do but all I can say is that your judgement is still in tact, theirs is gone due to the dementia. Trust that your doing the right thing, even though you feel like your the worst person on earth for making the decisions for them. Best of luck to you!
I have the same problem but parents are reversed. Got dad to go to AL when he and mom got sick at the same time and he obviously could not care for her. He hates it, but he knows mom needs it and this way they can be together. You are doing the right thing. And blaming it on th he doc really helps. My moms doc said my dad could not manage her meds any more because he could not not get her to take them the right way. Lol, it guilted him into moving to AL.
If possible find an IL that also offers AL or stay in place add on services so you have more options down the road. Congrats for finding a 2 BR. Not an easy feat!
You are going there because the staff can help you with Mom.
The concern I might have is if your Dad's dementia is getting worse how long will he be able to stay in Assisted Living? Do they have Memory Care where they will be going? If so is it possible to arrange a place in Memory Care for both of them now rather than trying to move him again in 3, 5 or 8 months?
Your other option would be...
If their house is safe and they can both get around easily (no stairs) can you have caregivers come in to be with them? You may or may not need them all the time at this point (just based upon what your Dad needs) but later you may indeed need 24/7 help. And will the house have to be modified for accessibility?
You would have to weigh the cost of first Assisted Living then a move to Memory Care VS living at home paying caregivers, gas, electric, insurance, mortgage and all the rest of the stuff that goes with home ownership.
Also if they own you would be clearing out the house, selling what you can or dispersing it among family members then selling the house. (unless it would be kept).
Dementia affects the patient and the loved ones as you know....Remind yourself that the folks no longer have the ability to reason properly...Thus, it will help you to cope and you can change the subject (repeatedly) and suggest taking a walk outdoors or sit on the porch awhile...Perhaps most importantly is to realize that most of your explanations will not be understood or accepted. Stop explaining. Just say we'll see, no matter how difficult that will be. It is not going to be steady-as-she-goes no matter what you do..
You have a very tough challenge.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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