I am 19 and a caregiver to my 55-year-old mother. I am depressed and overwhelmed. What can I do?

Marie: Thanks for the hug you posted on my wall. I'm going to put some of the information you posted here, so others can read it and better understand your situation.

You told me that your mom had her stroke 2 years ago, that it affected her speech so it is very hard to communicate with her and that she can't walk. You said that she is not getting any help at this time, that you don't have medicaid and you don't know where to go to find help.

Now, I have a question for you. Does your mom get a monthly check from social security? Have you every gone to your local department of social services, maybe for food stamps or any other assistance? Do you live with your mom?

I'm just trying to determine your source of support and the agencies you might be familiar with to help direct you.

Marie: Can you tell more about your mom's abilities. When did she have the stroke and is she getting physical therapy at this time? Do you live with her?

I appreciate your situation. It must be very difficult to try and take care of your mom and a 2 year old child. You have a great deal of responsibility.

I don't know if a nursing home is appropriate for her, but anything that can help her improve her health would be of great benefit. Can she be admitted to a rehabilitation facility?

It could be that she needs more help than you can provide. Please talk to your county social services department and see if they can give you some guidance as to how best to help your mom. She might be able to qualify for Medicaid or other in home services.

Cattails

HUGS TO YOU...TALK WITH A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL, SOCIAL WORKER OR DR. IT WOULD HELP IF YOU PROVIDED MORE INFORMATION. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU...
BLESSINGS.

Good gracious young lady, OF COURSE you are feeling overwhelmed and sad. That is a valid and reasonable reaction to the sad and overwhelming situation you find yourself in. While your feelings are normal in this situation you need to get the situation changed so you can experience calm and happines again.

You've been given some very good suggestions and advice on this thread and on your home page. I was overwhelmed when I was thrust into the role of fulltime caregiver and I was three times your age, with plenty of life experience and education and resources. Based on my experience here are some things that can help:

1. Don't do it alone. Get a professional to guide you through the complicated processes of getting Mom what she needs. I found a Social Worker from my county's Social Services was a good place to start. You've gotten lots of suggestions about contacting agencies that might help. Pick one and get started. Mabe you'll get routed to different sources but be persistent. There is help out there for you.

2. Get help figuring out the finances. Remember, you are not responsible for financially supporting your mother.

3. Get some counselling help for yourelf. Not because you are broken and need to be fixed, but because you deserve all the help and support you can get to allow you to feel good about yourself.

Hang in there! The problem is in the situation, not in you. With help you can improve the situation.

Omgosh. I really feel for you. I am also young (34 but started care taking at 31)and taking care of an 86 yr old Alzheimers granda with 2 young kids while I home school. I am SOOO glad you are reaching out for help now before you get burned out. It's a hard journey that most people don't understand. If you keep to yourself you will become isolated and even more depressed. Don't be afraid to ask family to help with whatever. Don't be afraid to ask friends for help and don't be afraid to get people to come to the house and help if you can afford it. DO IT even if it feels uncomfortable. In the end you will be glad you did. If you try to tackle everything on your own you will only sink lower into depression. You are too young and your son needs you. Help you mom, of course, don't abandon her but don't abandon yourself either. It is a tough balancing act, believe me, I know, but it can be done if you have support. Sometimes just having someone (a neighbor or family) watch her for an hour while you go wround the nieghborhood for a stroll with your child will give you the strength to go at it another day. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me. I'm praying for you right now and wish you the best. Sabrina

Wow.... it is great to see I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm kinda in the same situation. In June 2010, my mom had a double stroke. She lost movement on her right side, cannot walk or stand up by herself the stroke also put her into kidney failure and has to have dialysis every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Before her stroke, she took care of my dad who has Huntington's disease and a slight case of dementia. In August of 2010 we put our house up for sale and moved in with my dad to take care of him. I also quit my job in Feb 2011 because it ended up being too much. Mom is in a nursing home because she needs 24 hour care. I do her laundry and bring her food everyday. As bad as this sounds, I feel like I'm starting to resent a lot of things because I do not have time for myself. I know that the Huntington's has taken a toll on my dad the past year and I'm sure a lot of it is because he is seeing his wife slowly go down hill. The week of Christmas 2011 my dad was visiting my mom eating dinner and choked. He choked so bad that they paramedic had to stick those big tongs down his throat to lodge out the piece of chicken he was choking on. He was in ICU for 2 weeks and after he went to rehab, his speech totally went a way. I cannot understand my dad now when he talks. It's terrible, the worst thing ever. When my dad is hurting he not able to communicate it to me. He also ended up getting a feeding tube put in. I feed him 5 times a day, give him his meds 3 times a day and take him to the restroom every 2_3 hours. I normally can't sleep because I'm constantly worried about my dad falling etc. so we got a camera with a tv so i can see his every move at night. Well last night he got up twice and fell both times. My husband and I ran downstairs to help him up and put him back into bed. I'm not only physically drained, but I think I'm more emotionally drained because I'm seeing both parents go down hill quickly right under my nose. I'm probably going to put him in a nursing home with my mom sometime in June if they can get a room together. I have to wait financially because he will have to be private pay. So I'm in the works with that too and also filing bankruptcy on them. So a lot is going on, I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm in prison or a dungeon or something...I have to laugh about it because sometimes because if I don't I would probably go insane. Oh did I mention I am 39 yrs old and have an 8 yr old and 14 yr old that are very active in sports?? It's so hard right now but I did just get some good news, the VA hospital is giving me respite and paying for it. So I will have someone come in once a week to care for my dad for 6 hours to give me resting time. I'm so sorry you are going through this at 19, that is just awful. Hang in there I know there are things out there you can look at. If she needs rehab, medicare will pay 100 days while she is in. But she will have to have 3 overnight stays in the hospital before she can get admitted. Great advantage. Also if she has medicaid, depending on your moms situation, like my mom she can't walk shower go to the bathroom on her own so medicaid pays for her to stay there. She gets to keep $52 out of her ss check and the rest goes to the nursing home. There is also the Respite program that I mentioned earlier and highly recommend. It would be perfect for you and your son to spend some quality time together because I'm sure your not getting it like me. There are other things out there if you have any questions do not hesitate to ask. It took me 2 years to find out about stuff my parents qualified for but it's better late than never. Hugs and kudos' to you because from what I'm told on a daily basis, their are not a lot of kids like us that will take full responsibility of caring for their parents. My thoughts are with you, take care.

Marie: We've not heard back from you. Hope you will contact us and respond to those who are concerned for you, your mom and your child. Aside for your mom, Marie, you are only 19 years old and need to get your life together. You have a child to support and probably some work skills to learn. Maybe you are living with your mom in an apartment and her income, maybe Social Security, is paying the rent. It may be that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Not able to continue to care 24/7 for your mom, but worried about how you will provide for your son if she is placed and you have no place to live.

Whatever your circumstances, just be open and we will give you all the support we can. Hugs, Cattails.

There are all sorts of resources available, you have to keep reaching out. Starting here is the best place. I am going through the same thing, but I am much older than you. Still it has taken a big portion of my life and has made me angry and resentful and is a very tough road. You can not do this alone. Talk to her doctors first and tell them of your situation. They should point you in the right direction for help. We love our loved ones, but it is way to hard to do alone.

When is it appropriate to have or consider a NH ? My MIL has vascular dementia she keeps falling, has BM accidents sometimes she doesn't even know she goes! Does sick and blizzard things and now combative? My husband is in denial I get no support from anyone, I've talked with social workers her doctor, the county of aging everyone! My hands are tied its my husbands call! Help any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Good morning to all

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