I am 19 and a caregiver to my 55-year-old mother. I am depressed and overwhelmed. What can I do?

Marie: Can you tell more about your mom's abilities. When did she have the stroke and is she getting physical therapy at this time? Do you live with her?

I appreciate your situation. It must be very difficult to try and take care of your mom and a 2 year old child. You have a great deal of responsibility.

I don't know if a nursing home is appropriate for her, but anything that can help her improve her health would be of great benefit. Can she be admitted to a rehabilitation facility?

It could be that she needs more help than you can provide. Please talk to your county social services department and see if they can give you some guidance as to how best to help your mom. She might be able to qualify for Medicaid or other in home services.

Cattails

Marie: Thanks for the hug you posted on my wall. I'm going to put some of the information you posted here, so others can read it and better understand your situation.

You told me that your mom had her stroke 2 years ago, that it affected her speech so it is very hard to communicate with her and that she can't walk. You said that she is not getting any help at this time, that you don't have medicaid and you don't know where to go to find help.

Now, I have a question for you. Does your mom get a monthly check from social security? Have you every gone to your local department of social services, maybe for food stamps or any other assistance? Do you live with your mom?

I'm just trying to determine your source of support and the agencies you might be familiar with to help direct you.

Omgosh. I really feel for you. I am also young (34 but started care taking at 31)and taking care of an 86 yr old Alzheimers granda with 2 young kids while I home school. I am SOOO glad you are reaching out for help now before you get burned out. It's a hard journey that most people don't understand. If you keep to yourself you will become isolated and even more depressed. Don't be afraid to ask family to help with whatever. Don't be afraid to ask friends for help and don't be afraid to get people to come to the house and help if you can afford it. DO IT even if it feels uncomfortable. In the end you will be glad you did. If you try to tackle everything on your own you will only sink lower into depression. You are too young and your son needs you. Help you mom, of course, don't abandon her but don't abandon yourself either. It is a tough balancing act, believe me, I know, but it can be done if you have support. Sometimes just having someone (a neighbor or family) watch her for an hour while you go wround the nieghborhood for a stroll with your child will give you the strength to go at it another day. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me. I'm praying for you right now and wish you the best. Sabrina

HUGS TO YOU...TALK WITH A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL, SOCIAL WORKER OR DR. IT WOULD HELP IF YOU PROVIDED MORE INFORMATION. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU...
BLESSINGS.

Wow.... it is great to see I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm kinda in the same situation. In June 2010, my mom had a double stroke. She lost movement on her right side, cannot walk or stand up by herself the stroke also put her into kidney failure and has to have dialysis every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Before her stroke, she took care of my dad who has Huntington's disease and a slight case of dementia. In August of 2010 we put our house up for sale and moved in with my dad to take care of him. I also quit my job in Feb 2011 because it ended up being too much. Mom is in a nursing home because she needs 24 hour care. I do her laundry and bring her food everyday. As bad as this sounds, I feel like I'm starting to resent a lot of things because I do not have time for myself. I know that the Huntington's has taken a toll on my dad the past year and I'm sure a lot of it is because he is seeing his wife slowly go down hill. The week of Christmas 2011 my dad was visiting my mom eating dinner and choked. He choked so bad that they paramedic had to stick those big tongs down his throat to lodge out the piece of chicken he was choking on. He was in ICU for 2 weeks and after he went to rehab, his speech totally went a way. I cannot understand my dad now when he talks. It's terrible, the worst thing ever. When my dad is hurting he not able to communicate it to me. He also ended up getting a feeding tube put in. I feed him 5 times a day, give him his meds 3 times a day and take him to the restroom every 2_3 hours. I normally can't sleep because I'm constantly worried about my dad falling etc. so we got a camera with a tv so i can see his every move at night. Well last night he got up twice and fell both times. My husband and I ran downstairs to help him up and put him back into bed. I'm not only physically drained, but I think I'm more emotionally drained because I'm seeing both parents go down hill quickly right under my nose. I'm probably going to put him in a nursing home with my mom sometime in June if they can get a room together. I have to wait financially because he will have to be private pay. So I'm in the works with that too and also filing bankruptcy on them. So a lot is going on, I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm in prison or a dungeon or something...I have to laugh about it because sometimes because if I don't I would probably go insane. Oh did I mention I am 39 yrs old and have an 8 yr old and 14 yr old that are very active in sports?? It's so hard right now but I did just get some good news, the VA hospital is giving me respite and paying for it. So I will have someone come in once a week to care for my dad for 6 hours to give me resting time. I'm so sorry you are going through this at 19, that is just awful. Hang in there I know there are things out there you can look at. If she needs rehab, medicare will pay 100 days while she is in. But she will have to have 3 overnight stays in the hospital before she can get admitted. Great advantage. Also if she has medicaid, depending on your moms situation, like my mom she can't walk shower go to the bathroom on her own so medicaid pays for her to stay there. She gets to keep $52 out of her ss check and the rest goes to the nursing home. There is also the Respite program that I mentioned earlier and highly recommend. It would be perfect for you and your son to spend some quality time together because I'm sure your not getting it like me. There are other things out there if you have any questions do not hesitate to ask. It took me 2 years to find out about stuff my parents qualified for but it's better late than never. Hugs and kudos' to you because from what I'm told on a daily basis, their are not a lot of kids like us that will take full responsibility of caring for their parents. My thoughts are with you, take care.

Cattails really gave some good pointers!
You are in a very tough situation!
1st off, you should NOT have to pay for things out of pocket for your Mom.
It sounds like you are on low income too?
YES--your Mom should have been immediately signed up for
"Social Security Disability" [SSDI] which would get her onto Medicare for health services,
as well as Medicaide, if low-income
--even if she does not qualify as "low income" to get additional help from welfare, welfare services does administer Federal programs that can pay for her medical care premiums, so they are not deducted from her SSDI.
Since she is living with you, that seems to indicate no financial resources, so she should be eligible for both of those--which opens doors for other helping programs, such as in-home health care helpers, etc.
SO, talking with social worker at the Welfare department [DSHS?] should help get things in better order--it's a process, but worth the trouble of going through that system to get it.
Is there a Senior Center within about 50 miles or less, that might have people who can help direct you to where/how to find what services?
Can you find a number for an organization such as SHIBA [I cannot remember the whole name of that, but maybe online you can find it], to ask for help/direction.
If various organizations cannot come up with enough in-home help for your Mom to give you enough relief, please understand, NO laws require an adult child to keep taking care of their parent if it endangers your health and welfare.
Social services should be able to help you find Assisted Living or Long-term care facility for your Mom, if in-home care help is not enough.
Please also understand, if you are her caregiver and have been living in her own home doing it, long enough [that time limit varies per State], you might be entitled to keep living in her house, especially if the State deems it "undo hardship" to put you out of that house so they can sell it to pay for her care.
The State does not want to make homeless, or destitute, the adult child caregivers of an elder...so under those kinds of rules, you might be able to keep living in her house while she is in a care facility.
As much as I disliked having to go through the welfare services system to find help for few of my relatives, it was the most effective method to get them the helps they needed, whether it was getting them hooked up with SSDI, or in-home care services--other agencies, such as Area Agency on Aging, are helpful, but sometimes, block speedy progress.
WHILE you are getting help for your Mom,
PLEASE do also ask to see what helps might be in the systems for yourself!
It might be something as impersonal as a Suicide Prevention Call center.
Or, talking with Social Services, and being openly honest about your depression and anxiety, telling htem you are at end of your rope and need some lifelines for yourself, because you have to be able to be a good parent for your child!! While calling and spilling one's emotions to a stranger on the end of the phone can only be a temporary fix, it can help one feel a bit lighter just knowing that you are not alone, and, to have shared your situation with someone--AND, they might have suggestions that could work for you, too.
I will keep you in my prayers!
{{{hugs!}}}

Marie: We've not heard back from you. Hope you will contact us and respond to those who are concerned for you, your mom and your child. Aside for your mom, Marie, you are only 19 years old and need to get your life together. You have a child to support and probably some work skills to learn. Maybe you are living with your mom in an apartment and her income, maybe Social Security, is paying the rent. It may be that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Not able to continue to care 24/7 for your mom, but worried about how you will provide for your son if she is placed and you have no place to live.

Whatever your circumstances, just be open and we will give you all the support we can. Hugs, Cattails.

Good gracious young lady, OF COURSE you are feeling overwhelmed and sad. That is a valid and reasonable reaction to the sad and overwhelming situation you find yourself in. While your feelings are normal in this situation you need to get the situation changed so you can experience calm and happines again.

You've been given some very good suggestions and advice on this thread and on your home page. I was overwhelmed when I was thrust into the role of fulltime caregiver and I was three times your age, with plenty of life experience and education and resources. Based on my experience here are some things that can help:

1. Don't do it alone. Get a professional to guide you through the complicated processes of getting Mom what she needs. I found a Social Worker from my county's Social Services was a good place to start. You've gotten lots of suggestions about contacting agencies that might help. Pick one and get started. Mabe you'll get routed to different sources but be persistent. There is help out there for you.

2. Get help figuring out the finances. Remember, you are not responsible for financially supporting your mother.

3. Get some counselling help for yourelf. Not because you are broken and need to be fixed, but because you deserve all the help and support you can get to allow you to feel good about yourself.

Hang in there! The problem is in the situation, not in you. With help you can improve the situation.

Look into the TX State Agency on Aging and disabilities - you can google it. Call them, they will have resources and information that will help you.

There are all sorts of resources available, you have to keep reaching out. Starting here is the best place. I am going through the same thing, but I am much older than you. Still it has taken a big portion of my life and has made me angry and resentful and is a very tough road. You can not do this alone. Talk to her doctors first and tell them of your situation. They should point you in the right direction for help. We love our loved ones, but it is way to hard to do alone.

When is it appropriate to have or consider a NH ? My MIL has vascular dementia she keeps falling, has BM accidents sometimes she doesn't even know she goes! Does sick and blizzard things and now combative? My husband is in denial I get no support from anyone, I've talked with social workers her doctor, the county of aging everyone! My hands are tied its my husbands call! Help any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Good morning to all

Your doctor can ask for home health care for your parents and get Social Services involved. The Social Worker can help you obtain Medicaid/MediCal, depending on the State you are in. The VA can offer services if either parent is a Vet. You can obtain free Power of Attorney forms on-line for Health Care (Advanced Care Directives), General Durable Power of Attorney forms, Wills, the complete manuals of all sorts of services from those to Veterans, Medicare manuals, etc. The Dana and Christopher Reeve Foundation has a free book of over 300 pages of useful resources and information for disabled people. There are "talking machines" which people who have lost their voices can utilize that may be covered by Medicare or Medicaid. If they have vision difficulties, the government and most states have all sorts of resources available. Many are free. Most States have some sort of Aging and Disabilities resources agencies. Social Services Departments at the VA, hospitals, Home Health Care Organizations or the County Social Services Department may have useful sources of information. Google your questions regarding equipment, resources, financial info and you will find all sorts of into. There is a grant called "Modest Needs" which can help with some financial needs. Some cities like Oakland California's "Rebuilding Oakland" have programs which help elderly people with everything from wheelchair ramps to putting a new roof on the house. There are volunteer organizations through some churches which do the same thing. Some high schools and colleges have volunteer requirements for their students and they may have helpful ideas. Americathebeautifulfund.org. supplies flower and vegetable seeds at very low prices...about $12 for the first 100 packs and $5 for each hundred after that which can help with food costs. Sometimes local colleges have OT and PT volunteers among students. Local colleges also have dental schools for low cost dental care, vision care etc. Lions Clubs will help with eye exams and glasses. Many illnesses and diseases have websites with all sorts of advice, resources, and information on everything from diets to special equipment and research being done in the field. Many will list clinical trials or stem cell research in a specific area. A really knowledgeable social worker might be able to help you find these resources. I provide them for the families of my own patients. It requires a lot of time and energy to find them and it is really difficult when you are trying to do all the care yourself. Unfortunately, most Social Service organizations are so busy that they don't have time to do the research for you. I called In Home Care services for an evaluation for a 90 yo patient who needed care immediately and the social worker for the County said she had 400 cases on her list and would not be able to get out to evaluate the patient for 6 weeks. This is common. And California has some of the best services in the Country! Get on-line and see what you can find. Call local Social Service agencies and make an appointment. Be sure to download the application on the website and read what paperwork you will need to bring with you. Make a portfolio of your parents medical reports, financial info, Powers of Attorney, Will, utility bills, insurances, assets, etc. Any military service records (application available on line). Make sure they have Medicare Parts A,B,C,and D and are signed up for a Medicare Advantage program. You can make these changes usually between Oct and Dec. The actual dates vary from year to year. Check into disability, SSDI. Your parents may be eligible. If either is on dialysis, talk to the dialysis social worker. She may know of additional resources available. Medicare or medicaid may cover some Adult Day Care services or respite care. Check into this. Good luck. This is a very difficult and overwhelming problem and it is tough going it alone.

Please get in touch with area for the aging plus your senior citizen centers ask for respite help under the lawsuit against any cigarette company there is money for you to get a break also call hospice care in your area see if the have free home counseling and have all your questions on paper about a nursing home short stay if your mom goes to hospital and is admitted not observation Admitted four three days or more you can get her insurance to pay for nursing home for awhile get information I got my mom three an half weeks but I had to pay 4,000 bucks it was a good break just get to calling and get a counselor Now

This POST is MORE THAN 2 YEARS OLD!

Wow, how sad...you are just a teenager, and should be going out and doing things with other kids. You have the double-whammy of having kids as a kid so having to be a parent, as well as parenting a parent, and so young...when do you get to live your life? People are right, with Obamacare and medicaid, there is no reason that you shouldn't have medical care and help. Since she has a disability now, applying for disability for her at SS office so there can be a caretaker to come over would give you a break, plus a small income. Low income makes many more options...if you were middle class and older and could support her or if she had a lot of money, you would actually have a lot less options because medical care in this country is ridiculously expensive. People are right, a quick trip to a welfare office [DSHS, foodstamps] would answer that if you make an appointment with a caseworker. Can help you get daycare for your child as well. She is probably too young for a home, but there are people that come to you and help, and the state pays.

This is a very old post.