Hello all. I was a caregiver of my mother and father for 20 years. The first 10 years I lived outside the US but took every vacation to come home and help out and was actually able to arrange to work from my hometown some so that I could stay and help look after my parents. That situation cost me my long-term relationship, led to taking a loss when selling my home and eventually moving back to the US. Two months after I arrived which I thought could be a temporary situation, my father fell and broke his hip. My mother was in a wheelchair from a massive stroke that she had had in 2000. I then with the help of a rotation of sitters became their full-time guardians, financial planner, yard person, health care advocate, and anything else you can possibly imagine.
My mother died in 2012 and my father was put on the hospice in December 2019. He passed peacefully in his sleep in January 2020. The last three months of his illness were emotionally draining. He was constantly calling out for help and trying to physically escape the evitabile by constantly trying to climb out of the bed. He was always made as comfortable as possible. I was able to maintain my promise and keep him at home until the end.
In the past and particular after a long business trip that took me to China, I started experiencing about every year some intestinal issues that were cleared up after some antibiotics and rest.
During that last three months of my father’s illness, I started to have some intestinal issues but I was so busy looking after his situation and maintaining a full time job, two households, a full time relationship so I pushed it aside. However once the funeral was over and the new normal set in I was able to finally focus on myself and realize that the intestinal issues hadn’t resolved themself.
I did go to the doctor and they started a treatment for IBS which has provided some relief but not all and I have a follow up appointment on Thursday.
After dedicating 20 years to my parents, my greatest fear was always to get to the end and then find myself with some life-threatening disease that would not leave give me any time to enjoy my own life. All the blood work that was taken during my physical and my other exams have all turned out fine but the uneasiness and fear continues.
So to my question...did anyone else start experiencing health issues after the passing of your loved one that you were caring for that you found were attributable to stress? Part of me honestly thinks that this is all due to the incredible stress that I have been under for so long. I’ve also experienced the loss of my brother (who was no help with my parents and created only anguish) in April of last year, the loss of a dear cousin in September of last year, the death of my father in January and 2 days later the death of his niece.
It’s been a long 20 years, my friends. Thanks for listening and I welcome any comments.
thank you for your comments
While helping my parents I developed breast cancer and there were no markers, and my surgeon said she was seeing more and more cases like this, where stress was the major factor. And silly me, I never told my parents about my cancer as I didn't want to worry them..... huge mistake.
My parents have since passed and I am still looking over my shoulder wondering if the cancer would come back. Since I had to drive my folks all over hill and dale, using their car [yes, my father's Oldsmobile], I developed major panic attacks while driving. Heavens, a senior [me 65+] driving much older seniors in a car that I really hated [my Mom wasn't able to climb up into my Jeep]. Those panic attacks are still alive and well, even with meds :P
Before my parents started to need help, I was doing pretty good, was a gym rat :) Sig other and I could easily hike 20 miles in a weekend. Today, I can't even hike around the block. That 7 years took a major toll on my health.
My bucket list is now a thimble.
I did make myself go to the gym throughout and try to take care of myself but it was hard.
Slowly I’m coming out of my tummy issues but it will probably always be my weak point.
i wish you peace and good health.
Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
Before that, she just kept pushing through, because she "had" to.
I'm fairly confident that you will get your health issues straightened out and be able to enjoy your life!!
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you all the best.
Outdoor activity, especially gardening, hiking, backpacking or other activity by which people interact with nature, as opposed to contemporary society (traffic jams, crazy drivers, texting, online gaming, etc.) have proven to be very relaxing, diversionary, and helpful.
Good article from a backpacking forum:
https://backpackinglight.com/nature-therapy-backcountry-mindfulness-wellness/
(hint: if you open the link in IE, the photos are deleted. Edge shows them though.)
The concept of "forest bathing" is one that addresses communion with nature, and is becoming more broadly known in the outdoor communities:
https://time.com/5259602/japanese-forest-bathing/
My sister and I discovered this decades ago, probably when we were both teenagers and visited Mackinac Island. We found and spent some time in a forest scented with the odor of pine; we were surrounded by greenery and felt as if we were living a Green Mansions life.
FreqFlyer and GDaughter also addressed issues related to the stress of caregiving, the sometimes rapid response required, the acclimation to it, and the sometimes abrupt cessation when someone dies.
I think that phenomenon and related issues are why caregiving needs to be addressed by the medical, psychological, and psychiatric communities as a form of PTSD (now PTSS - syndrome as opposed to "disorder").
One of my gym friends (who also went through some of these issues) noted that it's like you've been climbing a mountain for a long time to sustain "where" you had to keep yourself to take care of your loved one for such a long time. Their passing throws you off a cliff...and you can't expect that you'll just dust yourself off, stand up, and climb easily back to the point of feeling good again. It will take time, I'm learning. I'm right there with you. Keep up with the physical activity, socialize to the extent you can, work at getting back to some sense of normalcy when you feel you can...but give yourself the gift of time to heal. Don't be discouraged with the "bad days" - everyone has them, ours feel a little more intense at present. And stay in touch here. This forum is a wonderful place to come. Big hugs!
Regarding your comment about a bucket list, two years ago I started studying American Sign Language and it has been a fascinating journey. Who knows, one day I may be good enough to actually provide a service to someone!
Thank you for your sweet comments.
I feel your anguish and sorrow. So much of your story is mine and I won’t rehearse it. Suffice it to say, God bless you for all you’ve done for your parents over the years. Maintaining their sense of dignity and respect. Pushing through even beyond your breaking point. You continued, often without encouragement or help from family. Now take care of you, as you did them. Find yourself, again and do you. Be positive. Smile, read, look, laugh, pray...repeat.
My 92 year old mom is yet living and she is doing better than I am. My health issues came about while caring for her. I do understand.