Not really a question, but wanted to share something positive that may have come from my stepping away from my dad's caregiving.
After Dad went into a NH in Nov I lessened my role with him to deal with the extreme burnout of caring for him in my home. He still called constantly to complain about literally everything. After my MIL, whom I was close with, passed away a month ago I asked my mom and sister to take over his calls. (*note my parents have been divorced nearly 20 years but have become cordial in the last 5) He would still try to call me with manipulative voicemails left because he was upset I wasn't available to him anymore.
Then...2 weeks ago, my iPhone tanked. Can't afford a new one for a few weeks. Dad literally cannot contact me. At first he raged at my mom about this. Said I've abandoned him, that I'm ignoring the "abuse" at the NH ("abuse" being a broken soda machine and the food not being restaurant quality). His bad behaviors towards staff have kept him from being received into AL facilities. We're talking about throwing food at the walls and staff, threatening bodily harm, threatening hunger strikes, refusing services like PT and showers. As far as all testing and doctor visits have shown, he is fully mentally competent and capable. He is just physically disabled, entitled and a narc.
During one of these raging conversations he was having with my mom, she finally had a "Come-To-Jesus" talk with him. That I cannot rescue him, I am fully unavailable. That the only person who can change his outlook on life and how people respond to him is him. Treating the staff badly makes the staff not want to treat him kindly, in the same way that you don't treat the people who handle your food badly. Acting like a 3 year old when you're a competent 71 year old is fully immature and won't make people want to be around or help. He went radio silence for 2 days...said he was just going to stop eating, stop talking to anybody and just die. She told him that would be his choice.
Well something clicked! He called my mom 2 days ago to say that he's contacted a Medicaid ombudsman about some shady things the social worker was doing. He'd had a meeting with the NH director. Dad said he's changed to having more positive interactions with staff and noticed they are kinder to him. He allowed showers again, and PT has returned. He is applying to get into a VA LTC facility in the area. It's like, I had to leave the picture completely and someone else had to tell him all the things I've been telling him for years before he decided to start doing these things for himself.
I'm really hoping things stay this way. It might be better that I stay fully disconnected (with the exception of moving his things from my home to wherever he lands) since it makes him more productive in his own life! I had felt a little guilty about it, but he's showing some progress in an area I haven't seen since I took on his care nearly 5 years ago. Just something I wanted to share with you all!
So when the Come to Jesus happened and he threatened all this dying stuff again, my mom made it known that we would all respect his wishes on that. I had just gotten through the death of my MIL who chose hospice and to let the good Lord take her instead of continuing chemo and the whole family respected her wishes. I think that was the switch with him..he now knew that that particular piece of blackmail would not get him anywhere now. And she was very up front that unless he wanted to be deemed mentally incompetent, he would have to do things himself. If he wanted the staff to be around more and be more helpful, he'd have to be nicer to them. Of course he did his pouty few days of feeling sorry for himself, but probably figured out that we are all serious. The games were over, and it was time for him to adult again.
Like I said before, for anyone reading, my father is mentally competent with no evidence of dementia or Alzheimer's (according to docs and facility), so this approach may not work for patients with those conditions. This is just how we dealt with a parent who got lazy, was already entitled, and had spent most of his life being taken care of from his mother all the way to his second wife and me.
Even tho I remain disconnected, there are others that are checking in on him and Dad is doing his own advocacy. My mom messages me through FB to keep me updated. I am reminded of the saying "Necessity is the mother of invention." I did need to treat my dad like I would my growing children...that at times they have to know there are things they have to do themselves in order for them to rise to the occasion. It's still difficult sometimes. I took over my dad's (and late stepmother's) care right after his stroke almost 5 years ago. I did everything for him because he acted as tho he needed me to. I was a daddy's girl as a child, but once I hit my teen years he had no interest in me. And once I married and had children he pretty much left the picture altogether. So I think I still had some unresolved issues surrounding that. But my 4 children need to be my utmost priority, as I prepare one to fly the nest next year, the next prepare for life as an adult with disabilities, and the last two are not even teens yet and need their mama still. And I need to get back to being the mom I was before my dad came back into my life with all his needs and demands. I was the best mom before that time. Now I'm barely productive, and everything demands so much energy.
I never meant my post to be inspiration as I just wanted to share this positive turn with those who understand the most. But I do feel so blessed to know that perhaps my post can help others. All the posts here have helped me immensely!! I always felt I was alone in feeling like I did about caregiving for a parent, and this forum helped me through some very dark days. Thank you to everyone who posts!
So happy to hear that this all had a positive outcome! I agree with your mother, stay AWOL for as long as possible, even for the moving of his stuff (have someone else take the items there or arrange to move it to his new digs BEFORE he moves in.)
Clearly he's gotten over the 'hump' and bringing yourself back into target range now would probably not be a good thing! Eventually, and that can mean a long while from now, you can perhaps return to making visits. Once he is 'on his own' and doing for himself again, you can visit as a daughter, not as a care-giver or whipping post!
Like 7again, I had a good laugh about your mom's 'Come-To-Jesus' talk!!! Glad she could really set hit straight!
Sometimes people need to be put in their place, make them see reality even when they don't want to. Funny, this brought back a memory - I had to have my ex restricted to outside when picking up the kids for visits (tried letting him spend time alone in a room with the kids on weeknight visit, but he'd always hound me instead - he pushed it too far one time, so that was it!) So, during one pickup/dropoff he asked why I had the order continued (it was originally temporary), as he's been good... Sure, you have. But that's because you are out here and if you start anything I do not want to deal with, I can turn around, step in the house and shut the door. He had what I called at the time the 'light-bulb' moment... Oh, that's true... ;-) Not quite as severe as mom's 'Come-To-Jesus' talk, but still got the point across... once... That light didn't come on too often.
As someone else said, despite recommendations to set boundaries, stop enabling or go AWOL if necessary, some people can't fathom this. They might consider it heartless, but it really isn't in most cases. Obviously if someone requires hands-on care, you have to provide alternatives before stepping away. Miranova's post just highlights the fact that sometimes this is what it takes.
Too often we can get into a rut doing things a person is quite capable of doing or jumping when they say so, or doing something over when what was provided was rejected. Many times it was just easier to go with the flow, but then it can become a nasty habit and snowball until you are used and abused!!
Nope. Just like with kids, draw the line (make sure the line is reasonable and can be maintained) and stick to it! This is what's for dinner. Don't want it? Fine. Don't eat. But you don't get anything else until the next meal... >>I<< should pick up your toys after you scattered them everywhere?? Nope, either pick them up and put them away nicely or they will be trashed (I actually did throw some of my daughter's items out the window once, second floor window! Never had to do it again!!!)
So, cheers Miranova!! Sometimes there can be some happy endings!!
P.S. I posted the link for this thread and instructions for how to search for it into another thread (paulfoel123) as backup to what we've been encouraging him to do!! His dad does not, as best we know, have dementia, nor does he live in a nursing home or with paulfoel123, however he is demanding and manipulative and needs that 'Come-To-Jesus' talk! Maybe we can enlist Miranova's mom to call said Dad and clue him in!!!! :-D
In your case I feel sorry for the nursing home workers to have to deal with it. You are smart (and I admire your strength) to remove yourself from the toxic situation.
I am going to have to leave my dad soon and let the State take over. I just can't do it anymore. Your story is inspiring.
I am glad that things are working out for you.
Mom and I discussed the situation a bit more since we were face to face and decided that until he gets settled into an assisted living, I remain fully detached. We fear he would go back into old habits if I made an appearance. Which is just fine with me, personally. The hell he put me and my family through while he lived here is something I'm still working through in therapy. Although I will say it wasn't all on him. I've been doing "advanced" caregiving for my teenage son with disabilities for a decade so part of my burnout is from that...but it feels different since it's my child and I will always be happy to take care of my baby.
I hooe this means things have turned the corner for you and your father. And thanks again for posting.
I'm just sorry he never listened to YOU!