Follow
Share

I know this should be in discussions but I can't figure out how to post it there.
I had a feeling that something happened to his wife and now we find it was worse than expected. His wife passes and this poor man was alone for a week not knowing what was even happening. Don't even get me started on the poor dog. The disturbing part was that no one checked on this couple. The man had three grown kids. No one ever made a weekly call. No one was concerned about not hearing from them.
My husband calls his 87 year old brother every other day. He lives alone. A few years ago we couldn't get in touch with him for two days so I started calling local hospitals in his area and found he was admitted and his phone had died. It wasn't that hard to do.
I feel like society lately has gotten more and more isolated.

In-Home Care
  • In-Home Care
  • Assisted Living
  • Independent Living
  • Memory Care
  • Nursing Homes
  • Adult Day Care
  • Hospice

49 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Golden and gurshun, I feel exactly like you both do!

Funny not funny, but I saw a mouse this morning running underneath my oven. Not happy, but even less happy to see that today. Hubby will set the traps later. I suspect Gene Hackman was the guy that got after the rodents, and it was one of those jobs we need to learn to do, also.
(3)
Report
I agree. I'm so glad I'm not famous.😌
(1)
Report
Gershun - Exactly.

Has no one here ever had clutter? I have.

Here we read about how hard caregiving a spouse with dementia is, We don't know the challenges Betsy Arakawa had. She was a caregiver like the rest of us.

Honestly, I consider that anyone else's clutter is none of my business, I would hate to have photos of my home in the media after I'm gone for everyone to speculate about.
(5)
Report
Yes Golden, and that's just it. Nobody knows anyone's story except what they want known.

I'm sure most of us have personal effects that could be judged and misconstrued. I've thought of things I have laying around and how somebody could make a whole critical story out of it if they so chose to.

I guess after we are gone it wouldn't matter anyways. It's all just stuff at the end of the day. You never see a moving van following a hearse, if ya get my drift.
(3)
Report
Re kids not checking, I could be dead a month and mine wouldn't know it. I don 't think it is that unusual, though it certainly is far from ideal. I belong to a website of ladies over 80 and it has been a topic of discussion. I have worked to stay close, visit and go out for meals but it is pretty one sided. They have had my support all along and don't hesitate to ask for a loan if they need one. My dd and her hub did help me with stuff around this house when I was in the north, but since I have come south so has that relationship. So be it. Life goes on. I don't judge others, I don't know their whole story.
(4)
Report
I'm sure the Gene Hackman in his prime would be absolutely horrified to know people were discussing he and his wife and probing into their private lives.

Makes one think about having affairs in order just in case. One never knows.
(3)
Report
I hate mice and rats. They are possibly the only thing in this life that I hate. The worst was when I frequently stayed in a log cabin, which was actually a nice house in the mountains. The mice could get in through chinks in the log walls and floor, which was a normal hardwood floor. They could chew through the chinks between the logs, although the spaces were supposedly sealed. They could climb up the rocks of the fireplace and jump down into the living room when you'd least expect it. They could come up from the basement, which was often open to the outdoors because it was a garage.

So then came the snakes. (I don't hate snakes but don't want to live with them either.) They'd coil in the closets, under the bed, under the washing machine, in dresser drawers, all of them waiting for a tasty mouse meal to scurry past. The owner would remove the snakes and try to plug the holes, but it was a losing battle.

The worst was the daughter of the family, age 23, who thought the mice were "cute" and objected to their being caught in a trap that didn't harm them. They were released outdoors. She honestly had no idea of the danger of mice and their droppings. Age 23! College educated! She'd sometimes cry when the mice were released.

At least this awful death of Gene and Betsy may bring notice to the dangers of rodents. This is something that people used to know about (think bubonic plague) but apparently aren't learning these days.
(1)
Report
Daisy, she was dead a week and Gene was left alone to cope. He could have made some of the mess, such as bags of bagels on a plate set on books.

Cluttered is exactly what I can see. I thought that it was creative photography when I saw the rotted food shot from above, staged indeed. One side board with to much stuff and 1 bathroom with far to much stuff from many different angels, and what appears to be a dog room that would be a safe haven for the dogs, however, they could have moved all that stuff in the bathroom from an out building trying to deal with the rodents. A bathtub is a good place to put stuff that needs to be cleaned.

Nobody will ever know the truth beyond it was a tragedy.
I hate this for them and their families. It is a tragedy that is being used for fodder to create a narrative for scuzzy writers/reporters.
(2)
Report
Isthisrealllyreal, I agree with you, yeah it was a cluttered mess, but honestly from the pictures it didn't look filthy, it just looked like a house that someone was neglecting, nor did it look rat infested.
(1)
Report
Those pictures and report are nonsense, same room from different angles. That house was not rat infested, they poop and piss everywhere, no sign of that, food not even chewed on. Oh my lands, they were dead for weeks, she had just gone shopping, of course there was rotting food. There would be in anyone's house that eats fresh foods.

There are other pictures available that show her areas were hoarded with things and they obviously had too much stuff but, that house was NOT rodent infested, the outbuildings were. That's what happens when you live in the middle of the desert. It is a constant battle to keep them out and away, especially if you are opposed to poison.

This post makes me understand why they didn't want people in their home. Excuse the mess they lived in their home and life gets messy.

My mom lived in a rat-infested hoard, this is nothing like the reality of that.

The writer should be ashamed for lying about rats in the house, I hope the family sues the ah.
(5)
Report
Lea, I was so surprised. I had heard some cops on the scene said it was "neat as a pin". Go figure.
(0)
Report
Here is an update on the conditions inside the Hackman home which police discovered when they found the bodies:

https://www.yahoo.com/news/inside-gene-hackman-rodent-infested-143800897.html
(1)
Report
Peanutty and Snoopy, I like what you guys said. I wish there was another term for burnout, it is used to often and frivolously that it doesn't have the same meaning to people, like it should.
(1)
Report
Exactly, Peanutty. She was probably exhausted and worn out from caregiving, thus extra vulnerable to catching a virus.

This is certainly an extreme example of the “xx% of caregivers die before the person they are caregiving does” trope that we refer to a lot on here. She could have had a whole new chapter after her time of caring for her husband had ended. Instead a senseless death. So horribly sad.
(2)
Report
Yeah this story has been triggering for me but I am very hesitant to blame his kids. He admitted in interviews he wasn't around much for them, and when he was, he wasn't great to them. There's no law that says children must care for parents who emotionally neglected them. What gets me about this story is that even with all their money...they refused help. The wife thought she could handle it all herself. She likely had extreme caregiver burnout. It makes me so sad because I see my mom doing this. It ends so tragically and seems so unnecessary. What's up with the stubborness and pride? I don't get it.
(2)
Report
Alva, yes she called me back 2 hours before I was calling a welfare check in on her. Everything is fine. She has 1,000 excuses about why she doesn’t answer the phone and it’s never because she can’t hear it ring.
(0)
Report
Bulldog, yes, not making it your personal post. I think your observations are really relevant.
I think the publicity from what happened to them is now cause to make many of us think and worry more than we might have. Update us, and hoping everything is just fine. At some point when people choose to stay home on their own without security check ins via camera or other, it is a risk.
(1)
Report
I mentioned below about my MIL and how she never answers her phone.

Well, here we are again. I last spoke to her on Monday.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I had major doctor appointments (one out of town) and I don’t feel well today with stomach issues.

Hubs was out of town Tuesday and Wednesday for work and today he is with my daughter in another city looking at cars for her.

We have both been trying to call her for days. Her cousin hasn’t spoken to her in a week. I sent her a FB message and also texted her.

If I don’t hear from her by this evening, I’m going to call police to do a welfare check on her.

Based on the past, she is totally ok and has lost track of her days and can’t hear the phone ring because she refuses to get a hearing aid. She is also a waify narcissist so it’s very possible she is playing games so someone will run over there (me, it’s always me) and give her attention.

I don’t mean to make this my personal post. I was thinking of this couple and how no one checked in on them in 2 weeks.

It happens.
(3)
Report
When we think about that "no one ever made a weekly call" I think, WE have NO idea what he was like as a parent when he Didn't have dementia, and WE have no idea what he was like when he did, especially in that late stage, where he very well could have become violent. Grown children have their own lives, and sometimes, yes, it's 2 three weeks before I communicate at all with my mother in AL. She's NASTY, complains about everything, and *I* ALSO need care, meaning self care. Honestly, if I visited or communicated with my mother more than I do, *I* would be so on edge, I'm afraid I would end up socking her, for how nasty and downright abusive she is now. Mr. Hackman didn't live alone. You come to a point when you are not the daily caretaker that "No news is good news." The total time frame of this is probably 2.5 weeks. That's not that long, you know. If it had been a month, I still wouldn't be raising my eyebrows. Because WE do NOT know the family dynamics.

There have been comments about them not having any housekeeping staff. Maybe He was VIOLENT and they Couldn't have any staff. Maybe the only person Mr. Hackman wasn't violent with was his wife, but not because he even knew she was his wife, but that she was the face he saw every day and was his routine. Maybe he even got violent with her on occasion. Maybe his wife felt it was best for HIS privacy, as a celebrity, that there wasn't staff around that would sell information to anyone that wanted it.

The point is, WE do not KNOW what they dynamics were so WE do not have ANY right to judge what we don't know.
(6)
Report
Sorry, if while trying to make my point I sounded unsympathetic to Gene Hackman and his wife's horrible demise. Plus the poor dog. As an animal lover I can't even think about his last days. The whole thing makes me want to bawl.

Yes, Gene Hackman was a marvelous actor. I enjoyed many of his movies. It's a great loss to the entertainment community. I didn't know much about his wife but it sounds like she and Gene had a very strong bond. At least neither had to grieve the loss of the other.
(5)
Report
Gershun, your point is great, and it is absolutely correct, no question.
However, what happens to those here with FAME and NOTARIETY serves. And basically it serves because it calls attention. Because of this very sad and very odd and curious case there are many who are now saying "We better find a way that SOMEone connects with Grand daily, because this could be us.

I don't have really a problem with our fascination with the "famous, infamous, and rich and famous among us. I understand it. And I must admit that when Safeway has ONE checker for a massive line I am the first 82-going on 83 year old reaching for the latest edition of that rage with the "BAD PLASTIC SURGERY stories". I mean, how else am I to have fun.

I think what IS sad is the conjecture that goes on here with our making up our own mystery novel out of what is a sad, but understandable story about a good, but long aging man who has brought us years of delight. I mean, just watch Young Frankenstein, the visit to the blind man's cabin. What a wonderful scene. Mr. Hackman and his devoted wife are at rest. But I can't help but thank him for the years of entertainment that have added to my life.
(2)
Report
Gershun, I totally agree with you. It is happening every single day and nobody is the wiser because it's not someone famous.

I am happy to see alzheimers and dementia getting media time, that's the only way we will see change for those in the future.

Yes, we should all know our neighbors and keep an eye on one another but, they don't always want to be known.
(3)
Report
I think what's even sadder is these situations happen all the time to "ordinary people" and we are none the wiser cause we'll never hear about it.

What happened to Gene Hackman and his wife was tragic but it certainly wasn't the first time something like this happened and won't be the last.

Maybe, a good wake up call that neighbors should look out for neighbors (if they can) But if said neighbors think it's an intrusion, then what then?

Sad story though.
(4)
Report
I think it was an over exhausted caregiver who fell ill to hantavirus. We have had cases of hands here in New Mexico from rodent urine or droppings. It does not have to be an infestation to get it just ingestion. A rodent could have peed on top of a drink like a soda and you can get this virus. It can be picked up on shoes or paws and inhaled as dust particles. It is fatal and you can fall ill very fast. Hackman had advanced memory loss so he might have assumed she was sleeping and kept forgetting she was sleeping. He most likely did not eat or drink. The dogs would not be cared for as Hackman probably did not even remember one was crated. My guess is that his wife felt compelled to be the main caregiver. Many feel hired caregivers won't take care for their loved one like they can. This couple has been together since the 80s, so she must have felt she could handle it
(4)
Report
Grandma, Most pacers today are on demand. They are monitored but not to check on "proof of life". They are monitored ONLY to collect data. Such as "How many times did the patient go into atrial fib, how many times did the patients implanted defibrillator give a shock, and so on. They are "read" periodically, but they are not set to ALARM personnel if they are not working. Many pick up signals only when patient is in the home near bedside where monitor is plugged in. He goes on vacation then no one will know that. So those monitors are for different purposes than the general public thinks. His likely worked when his heart rate fell below a certain level. Then the pacer would take over. The pacer would function but only to attempt to trigger a heart beat. It will be on the readout when that is done that it attempted to initiate by doing whatever its settings tell it to do, but it won't call 911, or report that the patient simply is not in the room where the monitor is able to measure beats.
That at least the the way MOST monitors worked in my time. Now I am decade out, so perhaps there's more at this time.By doing their readout of data collected on Mr. Hackman's monitoring device, it was unable to initiate a heart beat after February 18th. That is why they assume he died on that date.
(1)
Report
My neighbor sends out a text to a lot of her friends and family EVERY morning.
When I get mine I respond.
If I do not get her 8:00 am text I will wait an hour if I do not hear anything I will text her. If I don't get a reply I will text her daughter.
If I do not get around to replying at least by 9:00 am she calls me or follows up with a text.
It does not take that much time to check in on someone.
I have been known to text other neighbors that I have net seen in a while.
Granted I do not live in an Estate with acreage so I see people walking around the neighborhood. ....

What I am surprised about is the pacemaker he was wearing, you would have thought that if it stopped there would have been some alert. And wonder how many times it activated while he was dying..
(1)
Report
Let’s imagine they did have either a paid helper who came every day or family members who called faithfully morning and night and had a plan of action in case the phone was not answered (even though none of the adult children live in the same state). In either case, her body would have been found within a few hours. I don’t think her death would have been prevented.

The dog could likely have been saved. Gene would have been taken to either a hospital or a SNF or maybe (??) whomever jumped into action would have been able to immediately arrange 24/7 in-home caregivers for him. He was 95 and had advanced dementia. Clearly, his wife wanted him to live out his days at home. Yes, they could have afforded in home care, alarm systems, cameras, etc. She chose not to do any of those.
(2)
Report
Faithful, the home, if you read my note below is said to have been VERY CLEAN and very well organized. In fact she kept a quite immaculate home all on her own, so you're right, she was exhausted. They had a lot of outbuildings. In those mice would run rampant and if you inhale urine or feces in dust you can get this. The desert is LOADED with mice and rats of every kind; keep rattlers, basically. Hanta is almost never lethal but when it is it happens within 20 minutes from "stress to death".
(1)
Report
This was one of the saddest things I have ever heard! Although his wife was younger than he was, I'm sure she was exhausted from being a care giver and did not feel like keeping the house up as far as cleaning ( rodent droppings).
(2)
Report
L, He / they imo wanted privacy and to be isolated. Where they lived is an area in the foothills NE of Santa Fe. Land bought late 1980s was 45 acres; built a 8,700 sq ft split level in 1991. Beyond huge open spaces house w/massive fireplaces, kivas, vigas throughout but only 3 BR & 2BA. 12 acres btw house + intense landscaping. Featured in publications, used as location for photos for the interiors shop she co-owned (Pandoras) in SF. House at edge of an outlook called Old Sunset Trail. Was a caliche road off the 475 up to the Ski Basin & Santo Christo Mtns for ages. Not a place ya just run by to visit. Their land outside the only driveway to the 12 AC house and landscaped gardens has no road access & zoned private preserve open space (common to be done in NM). It’s isolated.

Something happened 2000 as they sold off some of the land closer to the 475, so now there’s like maybe dz homes total on a new street (Nevado) & OST. Area made a gated community. In 2010 1 acre adjacent to house subdivided & titled in her name only and a 2400 sq ft 2 BR house built. Her mother listed as its resident till Covid times (back to her home State of HI, she now has end stage dementia). This sm house uses the only driveway and is landscaped to the main house. If the Hackmans wanted staff, they could have easily unobtrusively lived in this sm house. That this didn’t happen, to me, is another sign they wanted privacy and unfortunately the isolation that brings.

By all accounts, they were active in SF and she doted on him. They did biking, trails, buying trips for the shop. He was on the Board of the O’Keefe, they quietly sponsored competition level young pianists. Post Covid that ebbed out & he was getting dementia. That winter 23-24 photo circulating of him in the grey vest, he looks so so thin and frail.

I don’t think she knew how ill she was. Didn't realize had hantavirus. Probably though it’s the flu, I’ll mask and it will be fine. Her last day - driving down to SF, going to Sprouts, to CVS, to pet store, to vet - is oh so busy & normal. It’s a lot of walking, loading, hauling. Hanta shuts down your respiratory system. I think it fills your lungs like pneumonia. 40% fatal and was for her. He probably wasn’t aware she collapsed or died. He just went about his usual clouded with dementia days till he fell (I bet due to being dehydrated) and then died.

One of my BIL/SIL live outside of SF. One of my cousins lived in Taos. Been up there lots past 30 years. Did some apres ski bunny trips b4 that. Know the area somewhat. That HUGE of a house with 24/7 access doggie doors really lends itself to having outside creatures coming in unnoticed. Hanta carried by deer mice. Easily scurry in and set up housekeeping in one of those kivas in that 8,700 sq ft house undetected. Kiva an ideal home for a rodent to live unseen even with regular housekeeping. Hanta transmission is the usual PLUS airborne. So shake / vacuum / walk over a rug or floor the Hanta mice have travel on, you can breathe the virus in. I like to think they both fell, became unconscious, then died; so no pain.
(6)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter