Two years ago, my mother became guardian over my grandmother due to my grandmother's dementia. Grandma is currently in memory care and her house is being sold to pay unpaid taxes and pay off the home equity loan and then pay for her care. But in the past year, my mother has been diagnosed with lymphoma and getting chemo. The issue is that even though her chemo is only once a month, the has been having meltdowns and temper tantrums. Last week, she willfully busted her cellphone because "she couldn't use it", well if you bothered to try and learn how to use it, you would be a little less mad. The replacement is the same make and model as the old one and she is starting to get a little rough with this one. But ever since last Tuesday, she has been raging, yelling, screaming and she has started to get physically aggressive with my dad and I. We called her shrink for help and the shrink did nothing except say she has chemo brain and there is nothing that can be done. My dad and I reminded the shrink that some of these behaviors are decades old and chemo brain is not an acceptable excuse to do nothing. We said that are you going to wait until my dad and I are dead or seriously hurt before you do something to help my mother. These rages only have ever lasted for a day or two but this time around, it's been at least 5 days. Someone with dementia would have been sent to the psych ward to get medications that work much sooner. I can't take the constant yelling, screaming, throwing stuff and blocking exits if I feel unsafe. Even the police have been called and they said that thier hands are tied, either my dad or I have to be bruised and bleeding before they can do anything. I wish that there was a better solution or someone who will actually do something to bring her up short saying that she can't use chemo brain as an excuse. My dad went through colon cancer and chemo made him a little more forgetful and sometime mildly cranky but even the nurses said that chemo brain doesn't make a person behave like my mother, this is long standing mental health problems.
She was caring for her own Mother with Dementia. Now maybe having to arrange the finances & property transactions for her Mother (or work with relatives that are).
Maybe taking the brunt of running her own household too.
That's one heap of stress.
Then add her own serious illness.
That comes with physical problems (possible pain, brain fog, many other symptoms) + emotional burden (anger, fear, dispair).
I am not discounting your own feelings here! You should feel safe in your own home.
But these are my questions.
Q. Has anyone asked Mother how she is? How she feels? What would help her?
Q. Does Mother have a good support system? Good friends? Close siblings? A councelor or therapist?
Q Are there expectations for Mom to carry on the same, despite all her stress & illness? Still be the Mom running the household?
You can be a support to your Mother. But if not (no judgement - there may not be the closness, mental health/beahaviour can get in the way sometimes)... so if not, just get out of ger way.
Good boundaries may help you.
Leave the scene everytime you feel unsafe.
Mom, this is tough.
But I won't argue or be yelled at.
I will step out for a while until you calm down.
Thoughts?
A doctor (that isn't an oncologist) saying "Chemo Brain" is an idiot. He should be the one to RX some calming meds, provided Mom will take them. She can't enjoy having meltdowns!
As your last sentence, which said it ALL, says: "My dad went through colon cancer and chemo made him a little more forgetful and sometime mildly cranky but even the nurses said that chemo brain doesn't make a person behave like my mother, this is long standing mental health problems."
You are correct. This isn't chemo brain. This is a long standing mental health problem. And all of the medical system put together so far has been unable to cure or even in most cases correctly diagnose mental illness. Our system is much better able to address dementia than mental illness.
I would like to suggest to you a book by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. It's a memoir by a woman who attempted for decades to help her mentally challenged mom. She has the full auspices of the city and state of New York Social Workers to attempt to help as well. ALL TO NO AVAIL. Her mother final died of old age, in dreadful circumstances, with little help.
I would suggest to you that it is time now to move out into your own life and the ticket should read "1,000 miles away to anywhere else". To be honest, there is no answer to what you are dealing with and I say this as someone who has someone mentally challenged in my own family, and as someone 83 this year who has been a nurse, had friends, and seen a whole lot.
I wish you the best of luck and am so sorry for ALL your family is going through.
For others who have posted behavior issues with their elders on this forum, we suggest calling 911 when she's having a meltdown and telling them she may have an untreated UTI and is refusing to go for care. Don't tell them she has a history of mental illness since this is not considered a medical emergency.
Maybe they will be able to find a reason for the increase in agitation. If her behavior doesn't improve in the ER, maybe they will do a 72-hr hold in the psych wing. My FIL had pancreatic cancer and had chemo brain. He didn't behave like that at all. I would fire that worthless shrink. Your Mom maybe needs a psychiatrist, not a therapist.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation.