I take care of both my mom and grandma, for mom it's just stuff around the house and farm and driving, grandma has dementia. Neither of them are known for being kind. But grandma is particularly prone to physical violence Over the course of the past year and a half since we moved grandma in she has stabbed me with tweezers because she self harms with them and i tried to take them, gouged my shoulder to the point it scarred when i stopped her from double taking her meds, and two days ago she flew off the handle while i was trying to save a bug she was about to kill. She stomped on my foot, grabbed my arm when i blocked a hit and twisted it, shoving me and leaning as much weight on it as she could (it still hurts) and then when i broke her hold grabbed a foil roasting pan, hit me with it until i grabbed it, then grabbed a hanger and started trying to hit me with that (used the roasting pan as a shield.) and chased me through the room with it. This is also the woman who will launch into a screaming rage with horrendous insults if i don't pitch my voice right (i speak naturally in a lower range, which she does perceives as disrespectful because it's not the high customer service voice the rest of the family) Literally, i have said things like "Hey i can finish dishes for you/ I can handle the laundry so you can go to bed" and it triggers her into that rage. I had to climb onto the washer and dryer to escape her once. Mom is equally easy to trigger, but is usually violent. It tends to be verbal stuff about how much of a failure i am. She is uncomfortable with grandmas abuse of me, but since it's not aimed at her she does not care. At this point i am just about ready to leave them to their messes, but my only options right now are to either live in my car and keep my job (this job is the first thing that gave me hope that i could have a better future) or move states and give up everything i have dreamed about. And to be honest i am barely hanging on to my will to live, it's down to the knowledge my cat would miss me. I don't know. I'm just exhausted. they do not treat me like a human being with my own needs and plans and things to do and i know i don't deserve it but its hard to stay steady in that knowledge. It's had an affect on all my relationships to the point i only have a couple online friends and my partner and even those relationships are getting shaky. I just don't know what to do anymore
You need to know that inheritance is a carrot that frequently gets eaten before it happens. Wills can be changed, aged care and medical needs are expensive. You may be better off relying on your own income. If you leave with some money, you won’t have to ‘live in your car’ for long. You can keep your job, get your own accommodation, keep your relationship and make some new friends. Get a life!
You need to know that inheritance is a carrot that frequently gets eaten before it happens. Wills can be changed, aged care and medical needs are expensive. You may be better off relying on your own income. If you leave with some money, you won’t have to ‘live in your car’ for long. You can keep your job, get your own accommodation, keep your relationship and make some new friends. Get a life!
You need to know that inheritance is a carrot that frequently gets eaten before it happens. Wills can be changed, aged care and medical needs are expensive. You may be better off relying on your own income. If you leave with some money, you won’t have to ‘live in your car’ for long. You can keep your job, get your own accommodation, keep your relationship and make some new friends. Get a life!
These situations have happened many times in our families and it’s frustrating how little true support there is for caretakers of family.
Please stay in touch and we all understand what you are dealing with. You deserve much more.
Your grandmother needs medication to control anger, a psych evaluation to determine the extent of her mental illness. (this includes proper diagnosis of the type of dementia she has)
For your mother to allow you to be abused makes her just as bad in my opinion as the abuser.
Your grandmother is NOT your responsibility.
You need to get out of this situation ANYWAY you can.
Or your grandmother needs to be removed from the home.
You are spot on when you say you should leave them to their messes.
By the way self harm is reportable to Elder Abuse hotline numbers.
Self abuse is reportable to APS (adult protective services)
I would leave if possible and call APS .
The other thing you could do is call 911 when grandma gets violent again . Tell EMS , she is not acting right and may have a medical issue like a UTI ( which can make some elderly violent ). Try to get the hospital to get her placed in a facility . Tell them she’s an unsafe discharge , that there is no one to care for her. Do not tell them you live with grandma .
Even if grandma leaves the home permanently , you should still leave the home rather than caring for your mother . You need to work and have your own life .
You mention other family members . Could you possibly stay with one of them temporarily ?
And your poor cat! Surely he or she doesn’t like living with these two harridans abusing you and carrying on!
If either of these women (I don’t think either of them deserve to be called your “mother” or your “grandmother”) are truly disabled or vulnerable, call and report them to APS on your way out the door.
All the best to you. 😊
Stop trying to control her. If she has tweezers let her have them, and you go lock your door to your room. Sometimes trying to protect someone from harming themselves, you will end up injured or worse. Learn to get out of her way. Keep yourself between the doorway and her. Leave if you must. Go sit in your car or take in a movie. Why do you feel you have to stick around to be abused? Or better yet, put your cat securely in a pet carrier and take her with you. You two can go for a nice drive. Just make sure your cat has a secured harness and leash so she won't escape out of her carrier. Make sure she sits in the carrier while you are driving. I would transport my cats back and forth to the vet. I had three in tow. One would be in pet stroller, one in the carrier on my shoulder and then the third would be carried with a carrier with handles. While driving, their carriers would be secured with seat belts.
If you leave your cat with this craziness, make sure she is safe in your room when you leave.
Stop being so readily available for their abuse. Join a class, support group and get some counseling. Grandma's moods are not being regulated with medications. From the sounds of it, she is quite comfortable with being mean and horrible.
Your job is to get from behind the eight ball and stop being a punching for crazy people.
The reality is that no one can be at someone's beck and call twenty four seven. It's sad when people have chronic conditions, but it is unrealistic to expect someone to be there all the time. You have to sleep sometime. Get a lock for your bedroom door so you can get some undisturbed quality sleep. Make sure that your cat is safe with you. Make a cat space in your room.
You answered your own question. Leave and allow them to have their own messes. The days are going to be getting warmer. You can leave and get a break even if you go to a local coffee shop and drink a frappe in your car or get some ice cream. Maybe, your cat would like a little whip cream as a treat. My Miss Goodie Two Shoes loved vanilla custard ice cream.
Obviously she needs more care than can SAFELY be provided in your home.
Then I would let your mom know that she will need to figure something out because you are going to be moving on.
There is no excuse for abuse, EVER. That your mom doesn't care because it's not directed at her is bs. So she can deal with herself.
Sickening how the system works for these places.
also, don’t threaten grandma and tell her you are going to call. Simply calmly walk into a different room or outside and call.
Video everything without telling them you are doing it so that you have proof.