Mom is turning 90 in 2 months. She’s always been very independent and lives alone in her house but I can see that coming to an end sooner rather than later especially with these latest developments. My brother and I are the only ones out of her 5 children who do anything for her.
she’s been in the hospital in less than two years 6 times. 4 out of the 6 times were for a bowel obstruction. Two of the last hospitalizations have been in the last 6 weeks. She was in hospital last week where they found weeping lymphedema, unrelenting nausea, elevated cardiac enzymes, and urine retention. She was found to not have had a heart attack as they were mildly elevated. We were told she had a very strong heart. Ok, almost like ‘her heart is fine so she’ll be ok?!?!
She was sent home with a Foley catheter and Lasix. The catheter has had mostly reddish urine with occasional yellow urine bags. She’s to see a urologist tomorrow where they will hopefully take it out. The urine retention is a new problem, or at least a problem we hadn’t been aware of until now. She had a follow up visit with her primary doctor today where they found fluid in her lungs, a new ‘old’ problem and had labs done to see if she had an infection the hospital center home on O2 as needed, which she has felt the need to use on an ongoing basis. Her O2 sats fall when she exerts herself. He took her off the Lasix until the labs come back. On a CT scan this last hospital visit, they found a On a CT scan this last hospital visit, they found an incidental lung nodule that merits observance for now. She told me she was exposed to asbestos years ago, so this is concerning to me.
She’s also been struggling with terrible constipation but finally had a bowel movement when we took her off the Lasix after almost a week.
The bowel obstructions are from scar tissue and keep recurring, thus the 4 times in the hospital just for that problem. The urinary retention is new.
On top of all these problems, she has atrial fibrillation, on Coumadin for 20 years. She also has late onset scoliosis, so her back is a mess and she’s in pain a lot from that and arthritis. It also makes her unsteady on her feet as her center of gravity is off. She also is mostly deaf except for hearing aids which do help.
She has become in the last two years quite feeble but still determined to live on her own in her house where she still takes care of most of her needs. Again, I feel strongly that her ability to do that is coming to an end fairly quickly. my brother and I take turns staying with her when there is a health crisis, such as a hospitalization. He is retired, I am not. He lives an hour and a half away and I live about 10 minutes away.
It’s all just been a crazy roller coaster ride. We want to help her stay in her home as much as we can. She refuses to wear any kind of life alert device, but she did allow me to put in a camera to keep an eye on things.
One of the problems is communication between my brother and I. I want to discuss next steps with these latest developments, which I have tried to do before and it didn’t end well, almost like he’s like her and doesn’t want to interfere in her life no matter what. As long as we don’t approach that elephant in the room, we work well together. I don’t want to minimize that. I have tried to talk to her about future care, and she basically just won’t talk about it. She wants to live in her own home PERIOD.
I’m wondering if palliative care might be an option at this point annd how to bring this up with my mom and brother. Any advice is welcome whether it’s from someone who’ve been there or have seen things. I would definitely appreciate it. Thanks for listening.
You will simple bring it up when the three of you are together. Have a well written description of what it is and what it means. Give the choice and let mom make the decision. She should long, long ago have made out an advance directive and if that isn't done it is time for that discussion at the same time.
Who is POA here?
Is that done?
You say that your mother wants to stay in her home PERIOD.
You know, of course, that at some point this is no longer safe and is no longer her decision.
Good luck.
However , palliative care means living their best life without trying to cure anything . Palliative care does not necessarily mean leaving one’s home . Your mother has expressed she wants to live her life at home .
That being said , I do sympathize with your concerns . However , you can set boundaries as far as what and how much you are willing to do . You do not have to be a caregiver for your mother . Explain to your mother that she will need to hire help to come to the house , that Mom is now in need of more care than you can provide . You are in control of how much you help , not your brother and not your mother .
If Mom is competent it’s up to her if she hires help or goes to an assisted living facility . You have the right to tell Mom you need to step back as this is too much for you to do .
Good Luck