My mom is 79 y/o and was diagnosed with "unspecified" dementia 3 years ago. She was prescribed Memantine to slow down progression. Her neurologist visits are once a quarter. Last year, her mom passed away and ever since her disease has been progressing rapidly. Oct 2024 was the first huge incident where she accused my stepdad (her primary caregiver) of horrible things. My DH and I knew that things would continue to get worse after that, but despite all our efforts and scrambling to make things happen, my stepdad refused to move my mom into a memory care facility. It was against our wishes but I was told that my medical POA does not outrank a spouse. Worth mentioning that he managed to manipulate my mom and convince her that she shouldn't go, so the transition at the time would have also been against my mom's wishes. Now, 4 months later, mom started accusing my SD of beating her. Mom fell recently and has bruises so unless you know them intimately, her story could have stuck. Mom wanted me to kick SD out of the house that day via the police if necessary and she wanted to live on her own (which she cannot do for physical and mental reasons). Then she wanted me to bring her to my house (which is also not possible). I tried going along with the delusions and paranoia and told her that first priority was to get her somewhere safe and offered to drive her to the Memory Care Center and that I would deal with SD and the police later after she was somewhere safe. She did not accept that because her paranoia made her then suspect me of conspiring with SD. She has not wanted me to text or call him for a while now, which I now understand that her paranoia was getting bad. Since I was not doing what she wanted the day of the accusations, she ended up calling 911 a bunch of times. By the last visit by the PD, they took her to the ER, where they kept her overnight and determined she needed to be admitted to a psych hospital that deals with Seniors with Dementia and troubled behavior. That is where is is now for at least a week, hopefully 2 weeks. I am working with the Memory Care Center as well to get her transferred there for LTC once she is discharged - not back home at all because I know that is not a good environment for her. SD agreed that day, but now is backpedaling again! Today, against the hospital's regulations and against what I told him, he went there and tried to get them to let him see her. He knows she cannot have visits until Monday. We are both scheduled to go together on Monday. He called me furious afterwards to tell me that they informed him that she is still insisting that he beat her. Honestly, what are the chances that she will not change her story at all from this point on? This might be the only chance I have to get Mom the proper care she needs so my kids and I can enjoy her for a few more years while she is in LTC at the Memory Care Center. If she makes up with him, he will manipulate her again and bring her back to the house. That would be terrible for all of us, esp for my mom.If you have experience with similar situations and can help me set my expectations, I would greatly appreciate it.
False.
If you are her MPoA and she now has a formal diagnosis of dementia, then your authority is active and you do what is in your MOm's best interests, even if they differ from what she (with her broken brain) or her husband (in denial) want.
You should have whichever doctor gave her the dementia diagnosis put it in letter form on the clinic letterhead and sign it. Have them print it for you (or you have them put it in her medical portal) and print it out. This, along with your MPoA paperwork, will allow you to transition her.
Now: who is her FPoA? Because this is who will PAY for the facility. You must work with this person. If she doesn't have a PoA and her husband won't cooperate with releasing funds for it, now you have a legal battle on your hands.
All that being said... even if you got the facility paid for with her shared funds (hers and her husband's) you may STILL have a battle to get someone who is not physically willing to cooperate to go to the facility without another strategy, like using a therapeutic fib. You may also need to distract or remove her husband so that he's not an obstruction to this transition.
SD (who is hopefully NOT her FPoA) needs to understand that if he obstructs the move, you will call either the cops or APS on him.
You can also take her to the ER again for a "UTI" and then have her transitioned directly from there with your authority.
I wish you all the best as you work to get her the appropriate care and end the chaos with SD.
Please consult with the Attorney or an elder Care Attorney if the one that did the POA is not an Elder Care Attorney
I would think that any of the staff that is seeing mom now would have documented that she was "abused" by her husband and if so then they are Mandated Reporters and they would not discharge her to his care. The fact that she has dementia would be enough to question if she is fabricating this or not and they should not take the chance and allow discharge to his care.