He is only interested in himself and can not be bothered about anything else. He has taken over our home. I pretty much stay in bedroom. My kids stay in their rooms too. No one comes out because he watches us like a hawk. Ready to report if someone is in fridge. He has a tv in his room with cable and wifi. However he refuses to watch his own tv. He must be in the MAIN ROOM with total control of tv. He doesn’t talk to his own Asperger’s teenage granddaughter. He only wants to talk to my son (from a previous marriage) He is a complete A-Hole! Animals don’t like him. My Asperger’s husband is the only one who can tolerate him. He is a pretty disgusting individual. His room smells like poop and Urine. He would be even more disgusting if I didn’t get after my husband to clean up after his dad. He is worse than my dog and cats. I have so much negativity with this issue! It’s unbearable! I know I’m not alone in this but OMG. I find myself wanting him to get hospitalized. Once he does I’m going to tell my husband he needs to go to a home or I will leave. He can handle the house full of Asperger’s people. My son and I can do well on our own.
You say you are tired of living with Aspergers people.
I don't mean to be insensitive to Aspergers, but having a husband and daughter (or step-daughter) with Aspergers, did you never inquire whether one or both of his parents had the same diagnosis? Or any other diagnoses? Did you never wonder why this man was being described as neglected, but was living with family?
So many questions either never asked or answers not scrutinized further.
Marriage and family counseling is greatly needed, for you, your husband and your kids.
and FYI...Just because his granddaughter also has Aspergers doesn't mean they would enjoy each other's company.
It sounds horrendous. I'm sorry this happened to you, especially since you initially worked at being welcoming.
And I can't help but find the fact that you say that you and your son "can do well on your own" if your husband doesn't agree to place his father, leaving your daughter with Asperger's with your husband quite disturbing.
What has your daughter done to you that you don't want her to live with you were you to leave? Is she aware how you feel? I pray not.
You've got a hot mess on your hands and you and your children are being held prisoners in your bedrooms in your own home. How sad is that?
Hopefully you'll now do what is best for BOTH your children and take them BOTH with you when you leave.
Is your husband his PoA? I'm assuming he's not paying rent, and even if he is, are either of you keeping a paper trail of the payments? I would consult with a certified elder law attorney to figure out how to get him out since basic eviction may not be the solution.
How old is FIL? You can contact social services to find Section 8 housing for him, or choose to short-term help finance his stay in low-rent apartments. If he can't cook or clean up after himself you report him to APS as a vulnerable adult. If your husband isn't his PoA the APS will put him on a track for a court-assigned 3rd person legal guardian and they will deal with all his needs going forward.
If your husband won't get on board with quickly finding a way to get him out, then you may need to consider divorce. You can have the paperwork drawn up, and take the kids and leave so that your husband gets a taste of what a future single life will be like. You dont' have to file the paperwork but if you show him that it's ready to go, he may speed up his decision: you/kids or his Dad.
If FIL can't afford an AL then it won't matter if your husband is on board. You will have to remove him, call APS and wait for a county solution.
I think, with your husband's insistence that FIL is staying, he has made a choice. I am hoping that this home is partially yours, and that leaving it will be only after the advice of a divorce attorney and division of assets. Being on your own will be very expensive, but is certainly preferrable to living with someone you cannot "live with".
Best of luck to you.
How long has he been living with you?
Does he have dementia?
If he is cognizant he is aware of what he is doing and you are allowing him to take control of your home.
(You mention this is a second marriage...if you moved into your husbands home and FIL was already there this might be more than a FIL problem it may be a husband/marriage problem) The fact that you have to "get after my husband to clean up after his dad" speaks volumes. To me this shows your husband has little respect for you in this matter.
You can take a complete hands off approach for FIL and FIL pays for a caregiver that will come in and do what he needs done including cleaning up after him is his son does not do everything.
Sounds like a need for a deep discussion to figure this out.
That could mean any of the following
finding your FIL another place to live.
marriage therapy
you and your son finding another place to live. (why wait for FIL to be hospitalized to leave?)