My elderly neighbor was discharged from the hospital and unexpectedly ended up relying on me for help. I am essentially a stranger turned into her primary caregiver and absolutely do not want this responsibility. Her discharge was on a Friday which made it difficult to get into contact with anyone from the home health agency. Today is day 5 and there is still no aid for her so I’ve called APS. Within these 5 days, I’ve also contacted her family, the only member I was able to reach is currently hospitalized, contacted her PCP, insurance, home health, case management from the hospital, and other neighbors for help. I still have no help and have been bringing her 3 meals a day as well as making all of these phone calls. She lives alone and can’t walk to the kitchen to get food or the front door. She also has difficulties with day to day activities and hasn’t bathed in an over a week. She refused to go to a SNF when she was discharged.
I am getting burnt out from the stress of this unexpected responsibility and it seems as though she’s starting to expect me to stick around and help her indefinitely, even though I’ve mentioned multiple times I can only help this week as it’s my last week working from home.
Today I told her to start thinking about next steps and who to call for help because I will not be able to sustain this. She keeps telling me she doesn’t know but isn’t even attempting to call anyone. Shes implying that she wants ME to figure out who’s going to help her. I told her I don’t know myself, I have no idea who she has that kind of relationship with. I’m starting to feel like I’m being manipulated because she is lonely and is taking advantage of the help. When I bring her meals, she stops me multiple times as I’m leaving to tell me nonsense. I constantly have to tell her I’m running late for meetings or need to return to work and it’s just so inconsiderate. Even worse, I am not even remotely close to this lady, she’s kind of a sourpuss and I’ve always tried to avoid her all the years I’ve lived in this community. I’m trying my best to remain patient and compassionate.
I feel that I’ve done all I can. I have a lot to do this weekend and was going to tell her she needs to find someone by Friday as I can’t help from Saturday onward, and remind her again this was always the expectation from the moment I started helping. However, I would feel responsible if I didn’t check in on her and something happened. I feel stuck, any advice on what is the right thing to do here?
APS just wants to ask questions. Just answer them. You are not obligated by any law or moral code to care for a neighbor. As a neighbor though, you had an obligation to call the authorities to check on this woman and explain that you can't be there for her. I may make a point that you asked her if there was anyone, and she said no. Then when u told her that you could not help anymore, she now has a brother. She seems to be a user.
My mantra "I am here to help people find the way, not be the way"
You found her the way, APS. If she does not take advantage of resources provided, then thats on her. If the other neighbors want to do for her, thats on them.
You did good.
I truly appreciate the advice and reassurance. I strongly believe things like this happen for a reason, I’ve learned a lot!
I spoke with former neighbor yesterday and she brought her food so I did not need to worry about that. Former neighbor also says they have known her for many years and it sounds like she has always been this way. Apparently elderly neighbor called a brother she has, who I’m only now hearing about for the first time, to help. Elderly neighbor and her brother were very upset that someone called DCF to “take her away”. This lady absolutely did not care about taking advantage of my compassion and wasting my time. Former neighbor said she mentioned she’s happy her neighbors are spending time with her and helping her and this is how things are supposed to be. I told former neighbor I am not going back to help. Its not my responsibility and her brother can take over. I’d asked every day if there was truly no one we can call to assist and she consistently said no. I also still can’t believe she tried to hide the fact that she was able to walk with zero assistance.
Former neighbor and I believe she may have turned away the home care assistance. I think it’s odd they wouldn’t have shown up yet after all the calls I made this week. I’m sure she’s just lonely, but does consideration for others just go out the window at this age??
I also missed a call from DCF. Any advice on what to say or not to say? I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot in any way. My report with APS details that she can’t live independently based on what I was seeing and hearing, but since she’s lied to me so much I don’t want it to seem as though I was exaggerating. I have the support of the other neighbors that live next to her too, they have their own experiences with her.
I truly appreciate all of the advice!!!
Warn them, and inform them, and then move on with your number. This woman has contacts, and when she doesn't it is time for her to make the call to EMS, and get herself into the care she needs and should have.
I know you mean well, but it isn't good to get into these situations.
Glad things are on the right road. I would now bow away from ALL of it including the gossip of others. Just say you made a mistake in taking on the care of someone you should not have, are not equipped to care for, and that you will not be returning.
This woman is at fault for pulling the wool over your eyes, but truly you are responsible now not to take on things that are legally not yours to take on. When/if this happens again, refer the elder to the authorities and let them follow up. I know you're heart is good, but it cannot lead you into a dark woods you will have trouble extricating yourself from.
I don’t think a meal or chore now and then is a problem if it’s convenient for you but, oh my, you have taken on way more than you should have for someone who obviously does not mind asking for more and more and expecting to get it!
Once you get yourself extricated, if you ever get the urge to do something nice for this lady or anyone else in the neighborhood, make sure you are the one offering the help in the first place, straight from that kind heart of yours. Stepping up when it works for you is a lovely thing and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Being railroaded and taken advantage of definitely does not.
As cxmoody said, yours are really helpful posts and a cautionary tale for good neighbors everywhere.
You absolutely got the nail on the head with this- “Stepping up when it works for you is a lovely thing and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Being railroaded and taken advantage of definitely does not.” But I’m still grateful. I’ve learned a lot and have even been able to help provide some resources to a coworker with aging and disabled parent.
I don’t regret anything and would do this again if I saw someone in need, though maybe with some more clearly defined boundaries and contacting the appropriate authorities sooner.
I have found that volunteering seems to mean to people you have time to do anything they need you to do. If asked, I probably would do but that does not mean I am willing to do it next time.
I have a mantra "I am here to help people find a way not be the way." You call DCP. They found this woman can care for herself. You warned the new neighbor going in. You have done your duty. DCP is now aware of her situation. Be glad it was only a week. We have neighbors on this forum who have done it longer than that.
Saw your update from today (in your reply to Margaret). You're not an idiot. You wanted to do something to help someone.
You've learned a good lesson here, and it will inform your decisions in the future. Who knows? You may need to advocate for yourself in the future, and this challenge will have been training for that. So, don't kick yourself! It's been a good learning experience!
You've prob helped others with your posts. Thanks for responding and letting us know how things ended up. ◡̈
When I read yours a few days ago, it truly helped pick me up when I was feeling down. So thank you!!
Do step away from this at once and see to it that your neighbor has numbers to call while making it VERY CLEAR and HONEST that your OWN number is NOT one of them.
I’ve already received 3 calls today after we discussed she would no longer be getting assistance from me. I haven’t answered, i listened to the voicemail and she wants me to refill her medication box. I will not. I didn’t explicitly tell her not to call me though, perhaps I need to. Our conversation was more like “well since you say DCF has found you fit to live alone and you do not need an aide because you now have the help of former neighbor, then sounds like I am no longer needed. I will pass all information on to her. You told me you had no one to assist you and were in great need of help, so I’m glad you found someone to take over your day to day and I don’t have to worry anymore and will no longer need to check in on you”. Then, when I gave my handoff to the former neighbor, I mentioned that one of the prescriptions would need to be refilled soon. Elderly neighbor says “oh why don’t you just take care of that”. I said “No. You said you now have someone assisting you day-to-day and that’s the person that should be taking care of this too. You said you no longer want the aide, they would have taken care of all of this for you, but that’s up to you to tell them your needs if they ever show up. Well, since I’m no longer needed here, I’ll be on my way”.
She did ask yesterday if I’d still bring her dinner and some food to last a couple of days and I said yes to that. It feels wrong to go back on that now, though I regret agreeing to that. I’ll use the opportunity to let her know not to call me because I’m not her caregiver and if there’s an emergency call 911.
I will absolutely look into that book. It’s such a weird feeling to think your doing the right thing and to put so much time, effort, and compassion into it to realize it wasn’t actually the right thing to do.
I spoke to a few more neighbors and am uncovering more stories of how selfish she’s been over the years. She relies on one neighbor who’s a building over to schedule and take her to all of her appointments. He’s 75! And apparently the last time she was in the hospital another neighbor took care of her and she took advantage in a similar way. The expectations just kept growing and she makes you feel bad about not helping.
There’s definitely a trend here, and she’s not as incapable as she’s made herself seem this entire week. After DCF visited, I thought it was curious that she was able to open the door since she’s been “unable to walk” this entire week. She also was remarkably able to open the door on her own for physical therapy, the AC repair guys, and the former neighbor who visited. I’ve absolutely been manipulated.
Im also pretty certain her issues with her family are caused by her. I was shocked to find out some other stories about her character from some of the neighbors who have been here longer.
This has been such a terrible experience 😔
Helping out is a slippery slope: you have been a very kind neighbour; however, you need to get back to your own life.
Don’t keep doing things for her. The more that you continue to do, the more that she will continue to expect. Just 🛑 stop.
Let APS know there is a vulnerable adult that cannot take care of herself and should not have been discharged home in the first place. Let them know there is no one to help this lady.
Also, why are you stuck with calling people who obviously do not want to deal with this.
You will be going back into the office for work. Sorry, this is not your responsibility.
The ability to go to rehab is only so many days after discharge. Hopefully APS can get something set up. I so hate that these facilities don't confirm a patient has help at home. They take the patients word everything is OK.
I tried to convince aunt to go to a facility where she would be cared for, but the stubbornness and everyone propping her up gave her false independence.
Neighbors or people like you are far and between. I hope you get a triple dose of your kindness in return. You deserve it all and more. Flowers 💐
The good news is that YOU are not responsible; THE STATE and the SNF that released her in this condition IS.
#1 You will now need to call APS back and tell them this:
"Emergency, Emergency: I have a woman next door sent home in unsafe discharge from an SNF who has no family.
She is alone and unable even to get food. She has me, a neighbor bringing her food. She is totally mentally and physically unable to be alone and is unsafe. This is an emergency. If someone cannot come to help her in a day's time I will be calling EMS to transport her to the hospital. She CANNOT BE ALONE."
#2 You already called one family member who is in the hospital.
Who is the NEXT and the NEXT and the NEXT on the list? Get those numbers today and begin calling them. Tell them all she is alone and at risk and that you will be calling ambulance if one of them doesn't show up TODAY.
#3. Call the ECF that discharged her. Tell them they just did an unsafe discharge and this woman is alone, COMPLETELY mentally and physically unable to care for herself, and NO ONE IS THERE. That you are reporting this as a neighbor and family cannot be reached. Tell them if they are not there TODAY you care calling the ambulance tomorrow morning.
OK. So now you will have notified
A) The woman who is unsafe and you cannot/will not function for her other than to get her care.
B) The family if there is any
C) APS
D) SNF
So tomorrow you call the ambulance.
It is that simple. You are putting yourself in danger by taking on something you know full well you should not be doing. This woman needs help, not casseroles. She is alone and the SNF has done an unsafe discharge with no one to received her. You are enabling her to be alone. She needs the number to 911 to call, not a neighbor. Then when in the hospital you should contact the social workers at that hospital to let them know what happened.
The SNF could be in danger of losing its license to practice with a discharge like this.
Now, if after all this there is nothing done? You give this neighbor the number to 911, tell her she is not safe and you cannot help her and will not enable the situation by entering her home again. Tell her to call 911.
Good luck. Do update us. You will be busy on the phone starting tomorrow a.m.
In future the awful lesson here is to call 911 immediately in future. Tell them the woman next door is in grave trouble and cannot be alone and needs transport to the nearest hospital.
Luckily DCF came out today. No idea what will happen next. She claims they said she was fine. I’m done, I told her since they’ve deemed her fit to live alone then it sounds like she’s got everything handled and doesn’t need my assistance.
If you leave her on her own for a few days, maybe ask police to do a wellness check on her...get this call in their records.
Bless you for being compassionate and trying to help. Keep calling her family. Tell themiIf they don't show up and she doesn't have a PoA then she will be assigned a court-ordered legal guardian (through the intervention of APS). Sometimes the hope of an inheritance will motivate them to act. This may be better than nothing.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart no matter the outcome. You're doing a good thing.
By “nonsense” do you mean anything that sounds as if she could have cognitive issues— dementia? If so be sure to mention that to the non-emergency police dispatcher.
It is very nice to help but it isn't your responsibility to caregive a neighbor. It is hard when you have a heart but boundaries are overstepped.
I don’t think I have the heart to block her number though. I will bring her food until the food program takes over and help with groceries weekly. I made sure I laid this out nice and clear for her and she confirmed that she understands this is where my offer to assist ends. I’m really hoping this sticks with her.