My mom is a resident in AL memory care. I lost my dad, who was in a SNF, back in May. Right before my dad passed, my mom stopped eating and remained in the bed for 4 days straight. The memory care DON recommended we put her on hospice. When my dad passed away, the facility recommended we not tell my mom, thinking she would give up all hope. We followed their advice.
Fast forward to 3 months later. My mom is getting up some now, eating some, etc. The past 2 times I have visited her, she has asked about my dad for the first time in many months. Previously she didn’t even remember his name. The facility is still recommending I not tell her he has passed away but to redirect her. She hasn’t asked to go home for many months and today asked me who was taking her home. I don’t know the best way to answer her or how to cope with this. It breaks my heart when I’m already grieving losing my dad.
When she asks who's taking her home maybe ask "home where Mom"? (maybe) "We didn't need to move you to the hospital this time mom they took care of you right here in your apartment/room this time."
I wouldn’t tell your mom about your dad. She’s not going to remember it. She will continue to ask where he is and if you tell her, every time, that he died, she is going to grieve all over again. A therapeutic fib might be in order her, just tell her he wasn’t able to come to today or something.
I do agree that telling her will likely hurt her a lot, and she will grieve, at least for a while. And then she'll forget and ask again, probably, where he is.
I know this because my brother died in 2014 -- and Mom was right there when he died. They had lived together more than 40 years, after my father got very ill in the mid-1970s and then died. But, my mother kept asking how Jim was doing -- and so I told her that he had died. She was shocked and hurt that she did not even remember.
But then, a few days later, she forgot. When, she asked about him again, I told her he was doing fine, that he wished he could see her, but that he could not travel. She is satisfied with that.
We have put up pictures of our family -- my brother and sister, and Mom and Dad together many years ago, and pics of family gatherings and the grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She loves these pictures and we can still reminisce with her about her childhood and early years during WW II. But, we try to stick with positive news.
Really, it is up to you. Do what your heart tells you to do.
My motto these days: Be kind, and be brave.
When it comes to your Mom asking to go home, please note for those with Alzheimer's/Dementia, home usually means their childhood home. Your Mom wants to see her parents, and any siblings she may have had.
My own Mom [98] asked to go home, and eventually I learned from clues which home she was talking about, it was the house where she was born and raised along with all her siblings. I had to use "theraputic fibs" any time she ask to go home, to see her parents, or to see her siblings. I just made up excuses that would make sense to my Mom, and it worked, until the next day when she asked again.
In general, people who can maintain a coherent conversation for more than a few minutes, know what season of the year it is, and recognize family members even when they don't visit often ... can probably be told about the death of a spouse. And probably they should be told, once or perhaps twice. Don't be surprised if it comes as brand new information the second time.
On the one hand, she'll be upset at the loss, but grieving is natural and to some extent necessary (even though painful for others to witness). In addition, the fact that you are grieving the loss of your father will not escape her notice -- even though she might not recognize that what she's witnessing is grief, or see that it's about your dad.
On the other hand, she probably doesn't need to go through the initial shock and pain more than a couple of times.
What has worked best in the facility where I worked and without my hospice patients who have a dementia diagnosis: Don't lie, but don't tell the unvarnished and painful truth either. Ask a question instead.
"What do you think is happening?" or "Where do you think he could be?" are great answers when she asks where he is, or why he hasn't come to see her, or how he's doing in the SNF. Be careful about your tone, though -- not "What do YOU think!?" the way kids ask each other when they want to make the other kid feel bad. But more like 'hmm, I don't know for sure, what sounds likely to you?'
Sometimes the person with Alzheimers or another dementia will surprise us. "Oh, he's probably dead and I just didn't remember" was an answer one lady gave often, right after saying something like "I can't imagine why my husband hasn't come to see me."
Remember, too, that in your own grieving process you may not be able to be as clear about your mom as you are used to being. Give both of you some slack and don't worry too much about getting this 'right.'
Love and hugs if you want them.
--Maggie
When Mom reached the stage of not remembering Dad, it was heart wrenching yet a relief. She was no longer inconsolable about his passing. Then one day out of the blue she asked about him, wondering why he wasn’t with her or she hadn’t seen him. She was crying & asked me if he left her because “of the way I am now”. My heart broke because for the 70+ years they were together they were always “my gal” and “my fella”. I assured her that was not the case, he passed on and now was getting things ready for when she joined him. The relief was instant; she stopped crying & got the most beautiful smile on her face. For the next few years, she remembered less & less about anything. Yet, that stayed with her, giving her comfort. She would point to their wedding picture, saying she would join him when he had everything ready.
I am glad she is getting around a little and eating a little too.
If AL is saying not to tell her about your dad then I wouldn’t. They spend enough time with her to see her patterns. Are you speaking with her nurse or social worker? I suppose they will keep you informed on her behavior. You can update them too.
I hope you find helpful solutions and you can gain some peace in a difficult situation.
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