Mom has been home from rehab for about a month now. She is obsessing about how much 'was wrong with her' and how she is lucky she is able to do 'anything' for someone who was at 'death's door' (these are real quotes).
She is refusing to do the work the PT has told her - walking up and down the hallway and what the OT has told her - shower twice a week. Husband and I are at our wits end because we are running around like chickens while all she is interested in doing is watching the tv. We think she got used to having everything done for her while in rehab (meals, laundry etc).
At first I was happy she came home and was encouraged she is dressing herself and toileting. The issue now is that my husband and I are burned out (the care of her has been ours alone for 15+ years, coming to her rescue financially and more). I want a life again and am ashamed that I told her I hated this situation (this was after she called me names for asking her to shower/eat).
We didn't sign up for this but I am beside myself not knowing where to turn or what to do. I suspect there may be beginning of dementia at play so I know it's not her 'fault' but it is draining hubby and myself. The button pushing is awful... she aims to hurt me and usually succeeds.
She was approved by Medicaid in rehab for LTC but I have no idea how to move forward. Her social worker is coming tomorrow so we plan to ask her for input.
I am putting this out there to see if anyone else feels the same as well as the awful guilt for saying hurtful things and not wanting to do it anymore. Husband and I don't feel like doing anything at all and are bogged down with the whole scenario. I think part of me worries if I don't do this for her then karma will bite me on the butt when I get older.
It's very good that her social worker is coming for a meeting. It is at this meeting that you have to tell her everything and that you and your husband can no longer be responsible for your mother.
Make sure your mother hears this. Say to the social worker right in front of her in plain language that she will do nothing for herself evern where she is able to, will not bathe, and is nasty and abusive towards you. Make sure you speak very plainly indeed and let this social worker know that you and your husband have been meeting her every need for 15 years and WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES continue being her caregivers. Tell her that you believe the only option for your mother is placement because she cannot afford to hire live-in help.
Husband and I are just beyond words right now - we feel drained and sad that it has come to this. When we came to her rescue so many times we never thought it would become a life like it has. Her expectations are not at all in line with what we are now willing to give. It is just a matter of figuring out what we need to do - the thought of her being in a nursing home hurts my heart and I am still grappling with it.
It does help to know that I am not alone in feeling this way - thank you again.
Don't worry about Karma you have already paid your dues when it comes to her.
Forget about all the mumbo jumbo verbiage stuff, get your life back, there are no guarantees, you could die and your mother could still be pampered.
The move to LTC should have taken place immediately after rehab. Why didn't it?
Thank you...
Please look at the positives for all you have done - no one is perfect in this process - whenever you have a moment of blaming yourself for any negative emotion you've felt, just stop - and turn that thought into something productive you've done instead - in all the help you've provided to her. She's lucky to have you, for sure.
Congrats for her being approved for LTC - you can focus on finding a wonderful place for her continued care...hoping the situation lightens from here on!
If it helps, think of mom as not the same person that she used to be. Her mind isn't mom's any more. Her body isn't, her mind isn't, her reactions aren't. When you're feeling guilty (and you shouldn't), remind yourself, THAT'S NOT MOM.
You'll feel better when she's out of your home getting the better care that she so clearly needs. Remember the good times when she was herself and then move on. It's sad, but you and husband need your lives back. Like yesterday.
Well, you may hear that it's time to place Mom, and to (WITHOUT anger) explain to her that you cannot go on any longer, and intend now to live your own life. That she will be going into placement.
This would have been MUCH more easily done from rehab.
Then again from the Social Worker you may hear "You just need to see someone about burnout", "put mom in respite, take a vacation". "We can get you help (they can't) and make this work (it won't)."
This is up to you. There's no nice way out of this. It is time for the hard truth.
You may want to feel guilt, but grief is the word you need to go for instead. You didn't cause this and you can't fix this, and imho it's wrong to sacrifice your life to it.
Time for the hard talk with Mom and her social worker. Any wishy-washy behavior on your own part will send you back to square one, so speak when you and your husband AGREE TOGETHER that you are at the end.
I am so sorry. I wish there was some good news in this, but there isn't. All will grieve this, and it is worth the grieving.
Thank you for your comments - I agree with them all and grief is a very apt word to describe how I feel. <3
You have already taken the first step by seeing a social worker.
Trust me, I understand what you’re going through. My mom lived in our house for fourteen years.
Life becomes very difficult and challenging for full time caregivers.
Best wishes to you and your family.