My husband and I are in our late 40’s. We have 2 minor children. My mother in law is 77 and has lived with us for almost 2 years now after a catastrophic illness which left her bed bound and incontinent. It’s been hard but we have managed to make it work but she will be going to a facility in a few months. We cannot continue to look after her and we have our own family.
My biggest problem right now is her siblings. They think they can come over anytime they want to. I finally put my foot down recently and told them I prefer them not to visit when we are having a full day of medical personnel in our home. It’s just too much. Her sister got all bent out of shape about it and accused me of trying to keep her sister away from her. Which is ridiculous. She doesn’t visit but once a week but it’s always on a day when we have a bunch of stuff going on. For months I would just accept it when she would show up knowing we had a full house. I would tell her in advance, hey we have a bunch of people here can you come later or tomorrow? She would always say she’s coming anyways. Which is really irritating because I told her it’s not a good time. This is my home too. Not just her nephew’s home. I’m sacrificing my time and my energy taking care of her sister while she gets to do whatever she wants to do.
You did set a boundary and the Aunt ignored it. Now your husband needs to re-inform her and stop her at the front door if she continues to ignore it. She can be told politely, with a smile (which always throws people off). Lock your door on that day. Make sure she is told in email or text so that she can't say you didn't tell her or she didn't remember being told.
Regardless of who informs the other of boundaries, it is your house, your Mom is privileged to be there getting TLC and your family has a life that you get to control.
It's your house, your rules. If other family members don't like it tough sh*t.
So next time someone comes after you said no, now is not a good time, you just don't let them in and tell them they'll have to come back when it's more convenient for you.
And just FYI....you may think that you've been setting "boundaries" but you've not been sticking to those boundaries. So toughen up girlfriend, and say what you mean and mean what you say.
Keep moving forward with getting mil in a facility, so you can have your family back!!
No of course you are not 'wrong'. It's putting you in your place as 'not really family'. This is a power trip for her, not a visit for her sister. She is the one who is being rude.
You are well within your right as primary caregiver to set boundaries and establish rules that make it convenient for you to do what you need to do.
She / they can visit all she wants when her/their sister is moved to a facility that will care for her.
So sorry your going through this, you have enough on your plate than having to deal with her!
Or, if you want to throw down the gauntlet this late in the game with the visiting relatives, you tell them that they must call first if they want to visit and if you say no and they come anyway, they will not be let in. Let them get bent out of shape. These people are nothing to you. It's an aunt by marriage. You're placing your MIL anyway.
See All Answers