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My husband and I are in our late 40’s. We have 2 minor children. My mother in law is 77 and has lived with us for almost 2 years now after a catastrophic illness which left her bed bound and incontinent. It’s been hard but we have managed to make it work but she will be going to a facility in a few months. We cannot continue to look after her and we have our own family.
My biggest problem right now is her siblings. They think they can come over anytime they want to. I finally put my foot down recently and told them I prefer them not to visit when we are having a full day of medical personnel in our home. It’s just too much. Her sister got all bent out of shape about it and accused me of trying to keep her sister away from her. Which is ridiculous. She doesn’t visit but once a week but it’s always on a day when we have a bunch of stuff going on. For months I would just accept it when she would show up knowing we had a full house. I would tell her in advance, hey we have a bunch of people here can you come later or tomorrow? She would always say she’s coming anyways. Which is really irritating because I told her it’s not a good time. This is my home too. Not just her nephew’s home. I’m sacrificing my time and my energy taking care of her sister while she gets to do whatever she wants to do.

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Why isn't your husband talking to his own Aunt?

You did set a boundary and the Aunt ignored it. Now your husband needs to re-inform her and stop her at the front door if she continues to ignore it. She can be told politely, with a smile (which always throws people off). Lock your door on that day. Make sure she is told in email or text so that she can't say you didn't tell her or she didn't remember being told.

Regardless of who informs the other of boundaries, it is your house, your Mom is privileged to be there getting TLC and your family has a life that you get to control.
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XennialGal Oct 27, 2024
He doesn’t like to upset people. She’s 70 years old etc. I wasn’t rude to her at all. I was really nice about it and she was the one raising her voice and carrying on. She even slammed my front door when she left.
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No one is ever wrong for setting boundaries.
It's your house, your rules. If other family members don't like it tough sh*t.
So next time someone comes after you said no, now is not a good time, you just don't let them in and tell them they'll have to come back when it's more convenient for you.

And just FYI....you may think that you've been setting "boundaries" but you've not been sticking to those boundaries. So toughen up girlfriend, and say what you mean and mean what you say.
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Geaton777 Oct 27, 2024
Right! Saying you have a boundary and then doing everything to defend the boundary are 2 separate decisions.
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You are so not wrong! Your doing fantastic, keep up the good work! 🙂

Keep moving forward with getting mil in a facility, so you can have your family back!!
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XennialGal Oct 27, 2024
January can’t come soon enough. It’s been hard and no one has attempted to help us. My husband is an only child but there are lots of cousins his age in the family who told us they would come and help and never did. His Aunt flat out told us she isn’t willing to learn any care to help her sister but want to come over when she feels like it.
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Yes, now time for nephew to tell her "Tuesday is not a good day for visiting because of medical personnel" A person in their 70s is very aware of the saying "my house, my rules". Just because she is a sister, this does not give her the right to come to YOUR house when she feels like it. Time for being nice is over. You firmly say "There will be no visiting on Tuesdays because its just too hectic here". When she says she is coming then say "you will not be allowed in if you do" Make sure the door is locked, even the storm door if you have one. Open enough to tell her that you told her today was not a good day for all involved. Or tell a little white lie saying the Medical personnel asked that there be no visitors when they are there.
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I’d suggest that you get a lockable screen door fitted outside your front door, and you keep it locked. If you open the door and someone inappropriate is there, you don’t unlock the screen door. Just say ‘Please come back later. Check in advance if this is inconvenient for you.’

No of course you are not 'wrong'. It's putting you in your place as 'not really family'. This is a power trip for her, not a visit for her sister. She is the one who is being rude.
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You are not wrong at all!! Please continue to set boundaries. It took me a long time to do so and it caused a lot of regrets. Now that I do set boundaries, I'm looked at as the "bad person". I would meet at the door and tell her it is a bad time or maybe not even go to the door. That is your house. I also agree that your husband should also talk to her.
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One thing you could do is next time she comes over on a bad day, tell your husband he's in charge. Leave the house for the day. Spa day! Shopping and lunch with a friend. This would only happen once I'm guessing.
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waytomisery Oct 27, 2024
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I am surprised that it took you 2 years to "put your foot down".
You are well within your right as primary caregiver to set boundaries and establish rules that make it convenient for you to do what you need to do.
She / they can visit all she wants when her/their sister is moved to a facility that will care for her.
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So my husband’s Aunt is still planning to come on the day and time I told her not to come. She clearly thinks she can do what she wants. I hate to be ugly and not open the door for her... but looks like that’s what I have to do smh.
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Anxietynacy 20 hours ago
She is testing you, pushing you to see if you push back. Stand up for yourself.

So sorry your going through this, you have enough on your plate than having to deal with her!
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If you've been putting up with this nonsense from the relatives for the last two years, you can get by with a couple months more until your MIL is in residential care.

Or, if you want to throw down the gauntlet this late in the game with the visiting relatives, you tell them that they must call first if they want to visit and if you say no and they come anyway, they will not be let in. Let them get bent out of shape. These people are nothing to you. It's an aunt by marriage. You're placing your MIL anyway.
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