I am 76 years old and one of the primary care givers for my 97 year old mother. Mom has dementia and needs 24 hour care. My much younger sister is adamant about keeping Mom at home as long as possible. I worry that at my age something might happen that would leave me incapacitated (heart attack, fall, etc) and Mom wouldn't even be able to call 911. I am in fairly good health but would not be capable of lifting her up if she falls. My own doctor has expressed concern about my being a full time care giver at my age but my sister, who has managed Mom's finances for decades, insists on the two of us continuing to care for her. Every week when I leave my wife at home to go take care of Mom I have mixed feelings. I am grateful to be able to help but I regret leaving my wife alone for several days at a time in our rural home (40 miles away from town!). I think my physical condition is holding up pretty well but emotionally I'm getting worn out.
Granted, this is pure assumption on my part, and thus I could be full of hooey, but I've seen this kind of situation too many times.
Follow your instinct, and act on it. Make a decision that's right for you - and your dear wife.
your younger sister could be guarding her inheritance…. Why don’t you write the cheques and have her do the grunt work …
use inheritance to take care of your mother .. it’s her money after all
I want to unpack that sentence.
Firstly, Sister can be *admament* about what SHE chooses to do. Not for you.
You may choose to move to New Zealand. Or sail off on a round the world yacht tour (yeah I know... Covid.. joking 😁) Your life decisions are yours to make. My DH has sisters like this. They mean well, dress it up as caring, but always attempting to be The Boss.
Secondly, *keeping Mom at home*. This does NOT mean YOU have to be the one & only person in the world who can provide the hands-on care required to support that. Home care agency can be employed etc.
Thirdly, *as long as possible*.
What does that really mean? (I think I posted a question once about this).
Possible. Definition: able to be done or achieved.
Does NOT mean forever. Certainly not until Mother's or your death.
It could mean until it does not suit all the involved participants any more... Which is when? Now.
I am a little harsh maybe? But hopefully have given you 3 ideas to turn over to think about. To lesson any guilt. To see that any plan needs to suit ALL of you in it. Not just Mom & Sister. YOU matter too.
If they are reasonable, they will understand this when you put it into your own words to tell them.
Many many times the caregiver passes before the person they are caring for. The mental and physical obligation and stress takes a lot out of a person. These are your golden years and should be spent with your wife and family. It's just a matter of time before you or your wife deal with your own health issues. If it were me I would have a sit down with the younger sister and tell her other options need to be put into play.
I worked with a guy who retired to take care of his wife with dementia. It aged him horribly and he ended up passing and his wife had to be placed in memory care. What was the point of his "sacrifice"? His life was shortened and she ended up placed and alone.
Make good decisions for yourself and your family.
Caring for your mother means getting her the care she needs, not necessarily providing it yourself. Your sister should be ashamed of herself for not recognizing the toll this is taking on you and your health.
It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting with Sis to find a better solution that sees to Mom's needs without sacrificing yours.
My oldest brother died three years before my mom. They had been very close all their lives but he had health issues and decided to live his last years on his own terms. I think he made the right decision.
No doubt your sis means well but she will need to spend some of moms money on a caregiver. You very well may live to your moms age but at what capacity. These are the best days you have left in life. Visit your mom, help sis find a facility or caregiver but give her notice.
I am nearly 66 and my brother is nearly 70. We were absolutely exhausted during our caregiving days! Caregiving will either cause or add to existing health issues.
Mom spent the last month of her life in the hospice house. Hospice care was truly a Godsend! She received excellent care and died with dignity and free from pain.
There will come a time when your mom’s care will exceed your capabilities. Do NOT wait until that happens. Tell your sister it is in your mom’s best interests to start looking for a facility now. Tell her that it is also in your best interests to look after yourself and your wife.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s very difficult to endure. These are your golden years to enjoy with your wife.
What will your sister do if decline being your mom’s caregiver? Nothing is worth risking your health for. I do hope that you and your sister can work together on this situation. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Keep us posted. We care.
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