fuzzyknot Asked August 2021
Can I tell you a secret?
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Mama passed away exactly 1 month ago today. Her sister passed less than a month later. Remember? I told you all that already. Aunt Kate’s funeral is tomorrow, so I’ve had some instances of “going-down-memory-lane”. . . concerning her and Mama.
Here’s the deal.
The only things I think of concerning Mama is how narcissistic, emotionally and physically abusive, emotionally unavailable, down-right mean bordering on evil, and MORE. For the life of me, I can’t conjure up not ONE kind loving positive memory of my mama.
Why is that? How is this possible? Have you or has anyone you know had this experience? What are your thoughts on this phenomenon of only being able to remember these negative things?
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Thank you for taking time to read here and to leave this thoughtful comment. This means a lot to me.
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Thank you for sharing this new/good way to process this. I appreciate this so much.
I am so sad to tell you that you are not alone. My partner was raised by a narcissistic woman, one who made his entire life a misery even to a childhood riddled with her threats to commit suicide. He tried all his life to do what he could, but finally was down to one call every Sunday morning. When his mother died he said "Good. I have my Sunday's back" because he lived in dread of having to make that call. He knows now she was who she was, had little control over it, and that her failings were sad, lost her the love of her husband, the love of her only son. And he goes on making certain he isn't "that person" in the memory of his own children, making a good, quality, happy life. I wish you lots of luck in doing the same.
We can't chose our parents. So, just put Mom and all those negative memories in a box and out it on a shelf and forget it. The one good thing...you maybe a stronger person because of her.
It isn't a life consuming project, it doesn't make us sad or dysfunctional, it does make us stronger as you said. It will make us sick if we don't purge them and to do that, we have to look at them.
As time goes by, the looks and purge are quicker. The feelings are no longer raw and painful but, the way out is the way through. That makes us stronger too.
Everything you have been through has exhausted you and through my own losses the first weeks and months are numbing (I always called this period “gods protection” he is wrapping us in his protection and giving us just small doses while he walks us through the heartache.
He knows it’s hard to digest it all at once.
But as a teenager I went through something similar of forgetting anything good.
My dad was a severe alcoholic my whole childhood. When he drank his jealousy’s would rage at my mom and he would physically and mentally abuse her - (without alcohol my dad could have won “dad of the year award”) he was an amazing individual in every way when not suffering from the disease of alcoholism. He was such an active dad - helping us build forts - taking us camping - he was light and silly - our biggest cheerleader and truly was a family first - shirt of his back kind of person. But there was a point in my teenage years where I became angry at the world.
My parents divorced years before and we still had a relationship with my dad - (my mom never bad mouthed him and always tried to make sure he was in our lives when he was sober).
But as my teenage years kicked in and I became a little bit of the rebel - I started to show patterns of how I functioned with disappointment and it was all anger and rage like I grew up with.
I had spent my very young years protecting my mom from my dad - as he would never put his hands on me or my sister (only on mom) - so I became the “protection wall” and I placed myself in front of my mom during every drunk rage to block him from getting to her. My memories go back to being 4/5 years old - standing in front of my mom swearing at him and blocking him from ever getting to her. I did this right through till I was about 12 years old - when he finally stopped that level of coming after her.
In my mid teens when I became the rebel and rule breaker - My mindset to get through stuff was “fighting for your life” and so that was how I did some of my teen years and when I finally broke down with my mom - started my healing and getting some control back - the very first part of going through it was “why I was so angry at the world” and it was that “I don’t remember anything joyful anymore” - I couldn’t remember one good moment with my dad - every good thing he had ever done with me (and in my instance he really did give me many beautiful memories) but I had not one left in me - I only had the hard and alcoholic rage ones - I forgot all the good in my dad - they were gone.
I did some therapy and many more hours of therapy with just the people in my life and found those good memories. Trauma can steal the good - and though my share is very different than yours - I can promise you with the right help and the right therapy and people in your life - you too can find some beautiful memories and they can be brighter than the hard ones.
Don’t give up letting your peace and joy thrive - it’s there and in your own time you can find it again 🦋🙏🏼
I could go on and on talking about other points in your response, but I won't. I will move forward with the take-away from your answer with a different perspective.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you're such an inspiration.
I think that is why memory lane with an abusive person is full of unhappy, ugly memories, they inflicted trauma and that memory is vivid.
Give yourself the time and space to feel the memories and then let them go. She can never inflict pain on you again, praise The Lord! That thought brought me joy.
I am happy for you that you are processing the reality and the loss, it helps.
Thank you again, your care and support means a lot to me.
A month is not a long time after the death of a parent. Especially not after the death of an abusive parent.
I would not expend ANY energy on trying to conjure up good memories. There may be none. Or they may be few and far between. They will surface when you least expect them.
Be well and try to decompress: you've had an overwhelming summer!