My father driving me home from the hospital has a tantrum because we can't dine in at McDonalds. So in turn he decides he will take the longest way home, knowing I would react. Intentional as it was, I fell for the trap. At a stop light my mother gets out , my 8yr old and I follow her. My mother struggling to walk, myself recovering from a mcl tear and Colonoscopy procedure just 45 minutes prior , we are left walking. Thankful, for a strangers generosity to bring us home, I find the car running and him packing his things to leave and drive off. As usual, again another scare tactic. I take the keys and lock the car refusing to give the keys to him. More confrontation, he begins pushing, screaming and cursing at me, all in front of my 8yr old. My parents have lived with me for 7 years. But it has become unhealthy for me and most of all my son. When my fathers antagonistic behavior fails he turns on my son knowing I will defend him. I can escape by walking away from the situation at home, but I don't know how to escape while in a car as a passenger. How do I control my anger?
Right question: "How do I extricate myself from this nightmare?"
If what you're describing is "life at your house," you're living in a very dysfunctional dynamic. You, deciding to be a caregiver and live in those conditions? Okay. Bringing your son up in that atmosphere? Inexcusable.
You are already halfway there in recognizing that he can push your buttons. Just tell him "I am not buying in to YOUR anger. If you want to leave, don't come back." and leave him to decide his next move. And lock the door.
However, I felt a blunt response would be a wake-up call to the toxic family dynamics, something to make you step back and realize that the situation isn't healthy for you or your family and that the issues extend way beyond controlling "your" anger.
If I had posted something consoling you might not have stepped back to see "after the fact how trivial it all was."
Perhaps now you can see the whole situation in a different light, how your father's behavior is affecting the family dynamics, and think about making some changes to create a more wholesome environment for yourself, your mother and your son.
"But I do thank Garden Artist for allowing me to convey what I took away from the response."
Then my bluntness had some effect, which was what I intended.
I am sorry you and your child are having to go through this; but the only person that can resolve the situation is you. We are not here to attack anyone but when you are allowing a potentially dangerous situation for a child to continue; our first thought is always what is best for the child. It could be time to make other living arrangements for your parents. Good luck!
Are you married? Do you have children? Have you ever been angry at your wife or kids? Does that mean you stopped loving them? People get angry at their loved ones all the time. Guess what? Anger is a secondary emotion. You need to dig to find the primary emotion. Insecurity, fear, grief are often the primary emotions. Anger is easier for people to deal with, so that is what is expressed.
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