I was able to move my mom to a Memory Care facility after her stay in the hospital. I was able to convince my dad that she needs more care than he can provide right now and she really needs her meds managed better than he will be able to. As we're still trying to find the right combination and dosages, he agreed. However, he still thinks this is only short term.
I've had several conversations with my dad, but he didn't really seem to listen. Even the facility manager spoke with him recently and tried to explain that this will never be reversed and there is no cure for dementia, but he refuses to believe it. He actually called me and said "They told me there is no cure! I can't believe that!". Be continues talking about how he's going to bring her home soon and have her start taking herbs that will help heal her brain.
Legally he's the one in charge as I'm still working on getting legal documents. He's also the one paying. I'm so worried he's going to just pull her out of there and take her home and then all the stress and bad things will start all over again.
How can I possibly convince him that her mind will never recover? I understand that it's painful to let her go after 40+ years of marriage and that it's almost like grieving her death, but I really need him to accept this. I have already gone through the grief a long time ago and accepted my mom is basically gone. I've done all the reading on everything I can do I'm pretty well versed on the knowledge of Dementia now. But when I try to tell him everything I know, he won't accept it as fact. He's an old hippie and believes in natural healing. I do too, to an extent, but I also know when there's nothing more that herbs and tea can achieve.
I've been trying to convince him to come live with me, but he only wants to live with her.
I thought the hardest part of this journey would be getting my mom to a facility. I never anticipated my dad not accepting the situation for what it was. I thought he understood more than anyone else how bad her decline has been.
You may need to get emergency guardianship.
Before I get started, let me say I am relieved and happy to hear from you about this move.
BUT................you cannot have it reversed.
First of all, your father's extreme denial is not unusual. He cannot face it right now.
Secondly, with being next of kin, his denial is dangerous.
He IS hearing you and I am SO glad that the facility itself is aware and spoke with him. But the truth is that no he cannot yet accept it.
YOU NEED A "PLAN B".
Please make an appointment with the admins at the facility tomorrow. Discuss with them your mom's placement and what a lifesaver it is, but your father's extreme denial and the fact that he isn't quite getting it.
Let them know that Mom:
MUST NOT BE RELEASED TO YOUR FATHER'S CARE AND ON HIS DEMAND WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE. EVER. EVER. EVER.
Discuss how to accomplish this.
With this on record, there WILL and can be intervention.
APS or Social Workers can get you emergency guardianship to protect both your mother and your dad. At least temporarily.
So, there needs to be a plan B and I hope you will get on it this week, and surely do hope you will continue to update us on this your journey.
My mil was in hospital, we walked in and my father in law was all excited because my mil didn't need IV or oxygen any more , he took that as a good sign. One look at my mil I new this was bad. I couldnt for the life of me understand him, took her 2 days to finally go, he started gradually stop talking about the oxygen.
Me being more of a realist, I've came across this quite often, and I use to try to snap people outta it, thought it was my job. Then I realized, I'm not helping them or anyone, but I was very much aggravating myself and my mental health. So I've learned to just let it go. I don't think that it does anyone any good to try to get them to accept it. They will accept it when they have to.
So sorry, I'm sure this is horrible.
I had to speak with the doctor, who was using euphemisms, and tell him that he needed to speak plainly with her husband because he hadn't grasped what was happening.
I broke my brother's heart when I told him matter of factly about Mum needing palliative care - I thought everyone understood except my stepdad.
I'd known that Mum wouldn't be here by Christmas since the previous one, but it seemed that only me and my daughter understood this. I hated being the voice of reason, dashing everyone's hopes and seeing the hurt. That's why I asked the doctor to do it for me, in the end.
Maybe yes , maybe no . But I’ve seen unrealistic expectations ( about their sick spouse ) in a spouse with early dementia .
In the meantime, dad needs an evaluation, and please don't plan to move him in with you. If you think you have troubles now, you will find that you have double the trouble if he's in your home. And you may not be able to get him out once he's in. If dad could go live with mom in memory care, that might solve a lot of problems.
I'm sorry the situation has taken this turn, and I hope for the best for all of you.
Dad is 80, is mom of similar age? How long has your mom been so out of control, paranoid, etc?
I think I would try to get dad into therapy to help him manage his anxiety and depression and expectations or at least a visit with his primary. You might encourage him to be taking care of himself in order to help mom for the long haul.
I hope you are seeing a certified elder law attorney to better understand the financial options and issues. They may need Medicaid at some point and decisions made now can affect dad’s ability to remain living in his home.
This is a lot for your family. It hasn’t even been a month since Christmas, so while it is important to make the best decisions possible with the use of professionals, it’s also early days for dad to adjust to the loss of his life as he has known it. Remind him that he had been working on helping mom for quite a while and it wasn’t working. There are many meds to try. They need time to help her find the best for her. This may take awhile for him to accept.
He loves his wife and misses her. Simple as that.
"Legally he's the one in charge as I'm still working on getting legal documents."
Does this mean your Dad is your Mom's PoA? What documents are you working on: guardianship?
Yes, I'm in the UK and not all laws are the same, but I bet rules about NOK are very similar.
I wouldn't dash his hope, it gets him through his day.
Who knows, maybe he'll find a helpful herbal protocol.
Introduce your dad to Dr Patrick Jones. He a retired veterinarian that used herbs on animals for years and has a great understanding of their uses, limitation and precautions.
If your dad appreciates a dry sense of humor,
he'll enjoy Dr Jones' Youtube channel.
https://www.youtube.com/c/homegrownherbalist
https://homegrownherbalist.net/herbal-supplies/
If nothing else, this will keep him occupied for a while.
A friend of mine told me a story years ago - when she was 18 she had cancer and was given 1-2 months to live! - She said yeah - watch me - and strength of will and change of diet 40 years later shes still around. The cancer returned 3 times actually over a course of about 20 years - each time the medical told her she had weeks to live and each time she defied them.
Dementia is a general term - used to describe a decline in cognitive function severe enough to interfere with daily life, and it encompasses a variety of conditions, including Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, and others.
While there are treatments available that can help manage symptoms or slow the progression of certain types of dementia, these treatments do not cure the underlying disease. Research is ongoing, and there are clinical trials exploring new therapies and interventions, including medications and approaches focused on lifestyle changes.
So is your father wrong to hope. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and leave that conversation off the agenda. Sometimes things arent curable but control-able. If it doesnt work your father will see the decline and may alter his views but in the meantime - i personally do not see hope lost. I'd hope for a way forward to manage things? My family have cured many things the doctors have said couldnt - turning to natural healing and diet changes. Is that a co-incidence. I dont think so. It may not work for everyone but dont you think its worth the effort. Not everyone operates on a pragmatic way of thinking. Maybe to allow all views and see if they work? They have for some.
I know that some spouses 'do' move in with their spouse.
Perhaps they can allow him to try it out a night or two and see how it goes. It is worth asking the facility about. Thank you for this suggestion.
Stage 1 - Denial. The shock and difficulty accepting that the "loss" - in this case, your mom's mental capacity - is gone.
Stage 2 - Bargaining. Trying all sorts of unproven methods to reverse the "loss" and go back to the way things were.
Stage 3 - Anger. Feeling cheated and angry that this "loss" is happening.
Stage 4 - Depression/Despair. Realizing that the "loss" is permanent and feeling sadness at losing the person, the "thing" and knowing it won't go back to what was normal.
Stage 5 - Acceptance. Finding ways to accept the "loss" and to come to terms or find peace with the way life is now.
You could suggest that your dad spend some time with a counsellor to process through these stages.
I anticipate dad will resist seeing a counselor / therapist.
You do the best you can ...
If he thinks its temporary, you continue to tell him that its been increased for another xxx month (or week) due to xxx. Tell him whatever it is that she needs that he CANNOT provide so he'll hopefully be more acceptant.
During this time, I would advice (if you feel it is helpful) to have him visit more often (due to lonliness) although it may be too much of a trigger to have him visit 'too often.'
In terms of him moving in with you, it sounds like it is WAY TOO SOON to bring this up. Give him time to integrate the changes in his wife / your mom first.
Do NOT 'try' to convince him of anything.
Give him LOTS of room to vent and share how he feels.
He is in shock (perhaps) and certainly grieving a huge loss.
If it might help, get him out of the house 'more' ... to a park, out in the garden ... anything that will divert his attention for a period of time. He needs a 'mental' break from focusing on reality. As might be possible, bring in a caregiver or preferrably a college student (social work, counseling, geriatrics master's program) ... to be available for him to talk to someone. You can give him any reason you want for why they are there ... clean the house ... laundry ... cook ... but it will be for him to have someone there to help him through the transition ... which is going to continue to be challenging / hard for him.
Let me know how we might be able to support you - to support him.
I know this is hard on YOU too. Here's a hug for you. And, as my name says, consider giving him a hand or foot massage or shoulders ... or if he's open to it, get a professional in there (or take him to a studio) to get a full body massage. He needs healing, gentle touch. It does wonders (I am a massage therapist).
As you can, be sure to get legal matters in your name so you can make needed decisions. This may be very tricky. If he resists, see if you can do a 'co' signature so you can somehow make needed decisions. He won't be able to based on how he is doing now.
Touch Matters / Gena
Also, part of my distress for my neighbor was concern that she was put in a home and was unhappy there. When I visited, I saw that my neighbor had made friends and the facility was light, bright, and welcoming. It was reassuring to see her happy there where she had not been while living alone.
Also, part of my distress for my neighbor was concern that she was put in a home and was unhappy there. When I visited, I saw that my neighbor had made friends and the facility was light, bright, and welcoming. It was reassuring to see her happy there, when she had not been happy living alone.
But if it brings you comfort...