My spouse is very sad - and goes inbetween sad and mad - understandably. Part of his 'sorrow' is because he cannot do anything himself and I will not/cannot do anything to help him either - or so he believes. But, of course, some of the things, he wants, I really cannot do. For example, last night at midnight, he was convinced he has to get to a doctor's appointment; could not understand that it was night and the doctors' office was not open, so I drove him into townso he could see the office was closed (that was a positive). But then this morning, he wanted to go to the bank and w/d $100,000 in cash - which I did not realize until we got to the bank. Obviously, I would not do that for him. So then he says things like he just wishes he was dead beause no one with help him and I just want him gone. I suppose meds might help? But he refuses to take the meds he currently has, so I'm not sure I could get him to take more. I have contacted memory care facilities, but they have long waiting lists. I think he does need more activities and socialization and am working on a few things, but may be hanging too much hope on these activities and that he will willingly participate. Any suggestions at all? Thanks.
And to just do a postscript on that, it is often easier to get admission to in facility care from a hospital than from home. He isn't going to be easy placement with this level of agitation. They DO cherry pick in facilities and that makes me worry. But when a hospital has a patient in psych unit who needs placement the social workers can SOMETIMES get the wheels turning more quickly. I am so very sorry Kat. This has to be so tough. I have no other answers.
You seem reluctant to move him to a facility, yet please keep in mind that he will get worse and it could happen quickly so getting him in a facility with a step up program may be in order.
My step-mother had dementia, but was able to mostly care for herself so we were able to place her in AL, when he got worse we moved her to MC, same building, different room. She adjusted well.
I am sorry about this, remember you need to take care of you as well.
And then I hope you have him enrolled in your Adult Daycare Center where he can go up to 5 days a week and 8 hours a day. They will feed him breakfast, lunch and a snack, and keep him occupied with all kinds of fun activities.
Of course there is a charge for this but if money is an issue they do offer financial help and if your husband is a veteran, the VA does help pay for some as well.
It is worth every penny, and it doesn't really matter if your husband "willingly" participates or not as it will at least get him out of your hair for a few hours each day so you can do things that you enjoy.
And you can also talk to your pharmacist to see if the medications that your husband is refusing to take may come in a liquid form or can be crushed. That way you can sneak them into his food without him knowing it.
The second phase was three years later, by then he had deteriorated a lot. He was barely eating or drinking and was very weak, falling, lots of physical symptoms, and of course endless doctor appointments. He kept saying he wanted to be euthanized. I actually did look into Medical Aid in Dying (MAID) which is legal in I think 13 states, but in my state at least, there is a lengthy process to assure the person is of sound mind and understands what they are signing up for and of course with dementia, he was not qualified. So instead he went into home hospice. He continued to tell his friends that he was waiting to be euthanized and he didn’t understand why it was taking so long. He was never very cooperative with the hospice staff. But it was WAY better than managing without hospice for me and my mom.
I am very sorry for what you are going through and hope you have some support yourself to get through the days and the decisions. I do think you should share all this with his doctor. Is there a social worker on the staff who can make recommendations? Would adult day care be a possibility? You could tell him it’s volunteer work, that they need his help.
I don’t know how long your husband has had dementia but one feature is their personality “filters” just evaporate. They will do and say things that previously would have been filtered out.
Good luck!!