My father is verbally abusive and I cannot take it anymore. How can I deal with this?

Oh Boy - Oh Boy. I am sorry to hear what you are experiencing. I experienced it when my mother remarried after my father died when I was eight. My mother never grew up - she always blamed other people for her problems. I think I was the reason she had to marry and that is why she resented me. Then came the stepfather that unknown to me at the time was a pedifile (sp?). I was nine and tried to tell my mother what was happening but didn't understand the problem at all at that time. He complained to her that I would not help out around the house. That was partly true because I hated when I was alone with him. Remember I was 9yrs old. He took the lock off the bathroom door so I had no privacy in the bathroom. I bathed in the showers in the locker room at school or stayed overnight at my friends homes or bathed when he was not home. Then he made a schedule out for when all of us could bathe - the schedule left he and I alone in the house. Thus my going to my girlfriends to bathe. I would come home and do my chores before dinner - set the table - peel the potatoes etc.etc. then I would leave and eat at my friends homes. I broached the subject with my mother time after time and soon realized she would never protect me. By this time I was 13. Then I became the bad girl and everything I did and said was wrong. Finally, when I was in high school, I called the police and they would not come to the house because I did not have bruises on my body. My stepfather sat by me while I phoned and told me that "they will not believe you! So I ran away to my girlfriends house. Told them the story and I was invited to live with them. My mother came over the next day screaming and yelling and pulled me by the hair down the stairs to come home with me. I was 14yrs old at the time. There was no help available! My uncle was a Police Chief in the area and I guess my mother guessed something maybe could be wrong and I was being abused and she called him to talk to me. The purpose was for me to not cause a problem so she could continue the life she was comfortable with. My uncle did explain the laws to me and I was mature enough to understand them. We could go to court. If my stepfather was found guilty (and he would have because I was not the only child in the area that he tried to sexually abuse). If would mean the court would take me and my younger sister and put us in foster homes. Remember I was fourteen at the time. I rode the school bus with children in foster homes and they were not happy. I could not inflict that on my sister who my mother always protected. So at that young age I understood a lot about abuse and how people react. Everybody (or most people) protect themselves and you are the "bad guy". Not the person causing the problem - but "YOU".
I needed to tell this story because I want to tell you what I learned about being abused.
Your father is abusing you because that is who he is - has nothing to do with anything you did or are! There is nothing you could do to stop him - but there is something you can do to help yourself. First, stop being hurt because "that is who he is" not who you are. Forget being treated any other way. It is not fair, of course, but you can't do anything to correct his behavior because you didn't cause it. The only thing you can do is quit trying to please him. Forget that he will tell everyone bad things about you - that is his ploy. Do what you think you should do and expect to be mistreated. Laugh in his face - but do not take it to heart. That will not stop his behavior but it will release you from just taking a beating. I would reduce the time I spend helping him because of his behavior. Do not expect your family or friends to agree with you. Know you are right and protect yourself. If you don't no one else will! It is a tough burden to carry but it is what it is. If he is abusive with you tell your family he doesn't want me and doesn't like me. Perhaps they can do the things he needs. LISTEN - YOU WILL NEVER PLEASE HIM!! His pleasure is abusing people for his pain. So do what can without taking any abuse. Explain to your family members in a short sentence. I am tired of being abused for no reason and need to give some of the responsibility to others because he obviously doesn't want me to help. They will find fault with you because they sure don't want the responsibility or they would have been there by now. So, understand that you will never rate his approval and that has nothing to do with YOU! You are just his victim. He is old, he is sick and you have done everything you can but cannot continue to be abused. Anyone that is willing to help is welcome to the responsibility. I feel for you and I wish you strength and luck - write me anytime. I understand the loneliness of the position you are in. Know that I understand (and so do lots of people but have been beaten down so much they just cower). Take a deep breath and say "I can do this"!

My father is 87 and my mom is 82. My father has been a wonderful husband for 80 years but as he got older and started losing control over his bodily functions, he has become increasingly abusive to my mother. He is extremely rational and reasonable and affectionate with all of us siblings. But at night when his body does not cooperate with him he turns really abusive towards my mom. He would not let the in house full time nurse do much of the work, instead my 82 year old mom has to do all the changing, cleaning and diapering and even lifting him off the bed sometimes. In return she gets just lot of abuse. In the morning, again, he is nice and friendly to every one. Even with my mom, he isn't as bad in the day time. could this be dementia? He sounds so rational, can still speak legalistic topics reasonably well. My mom is old fashioned house wife who out of guilt simply cannot walk away. Two of my adult sisters who are close by do step in as much as they can but even they cannot shield my mother from what is happening at night. They just advise her to not take it personally. My gut feeling is to tell him strongly but my siblings advise me not to. How can I tell if this is is dementia? Or just his old control freak personality coming out in a nasty form? A part of my just thinks he knows fairly well what he is doing but when we suggest to be nice to my mom, he sulks and claims he is really nice to every one. My mom is old fashioned and thinks us interfering will only make matters worse for her, but she breaks down every night and can't take it much longer. I am at a loss how to deal with this. Can us talking to him even help? Is my mom only one who can do something about her fate? Any ideas ?

My elderly father owns our house, he is 81 he goes for treatment for his knees and ridilupathy. I am a 54 year old female never married, on ssi, i have post traumatic stress from him, and also i have terrible degerative congential curvature of the spine, and still waiting one more year to be a breast cancer survivor. He will not help me with money as far as food, its like he goes off on me, and he takes my friends food when they come over. He will not give me any privacy. He is verbally abusive and threantens me all the time. I do alot around this house. He is very frugal, to the point he is using cold dirty water to do the dishes. Has every last penny so to speak. He talks to some younger woman every night on the phone for hours, and then i see him in am and he looks exhausted, I get afraid for him to drive. Today he really let me have it. I am so disturbed, as he was eating my friends pizza. He tells me all I do is want, and believe me that is so not true, I drive a 21 year old car, and he told me I have to keep full coverage. Why? I pay for it. Unreal the answers. He drives an even older van, that is hard for him to get in and out of.

LOVE and PEACE

endofmyrope, you contradict everything you say. DON'T tell me to place my Mother from your own perception of what you think I might be dealing with. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO POSTED ABOUT WHAT TO DO BECAUSE OF A VERBALLY ABUSIVE ELDER. I know what to do. I called the Police, and the Police handled it. That's what they are there for, to serve and protect. Just because a person is old doesn't give them the right to slap the shit out of you FOR NO REASON. My Mother is WELL cared for. You came here and addressed the caregivers for solutions, I give you one and you insult, judge and ridicule me for it. Then, you come back and try to smooth it over with kind, but yet still judgemental words. Look, I KNOW what I'm doing, I am in control of the situation, Maybe that's why I have 80 "helpful answers"...if I sound angry, it is because you pissed me off by asking for help and then contradicting yourself by trying to degrade how others handle their own situations...but, stop asking for help if you already know the answer. Your words..."I'm done here".

I wish you Love and Enlightenment Sylvester. Best of luck, and I pray your mom doesn't give you any more black eyes!!! I wouldn't want to think of her sitting in a cold cell.

XOXO

Rovana said it all..thank you Rovana..and if you are really looking for help, you should not insult the people who are trying to give it to you. This is a hard job to care for an elder person, trust me I know. I am not abusive to my Mother, in fact, when the police came out to diffuse the situation, they DID have a long talk with her and let her know what the laws are and that threats are something that they take very seriously. Like I said, her fist has made contact with my eye once, which busted a blood vessel in it. This was assault. Was this abuse towards ME? YES. Did I press charges? NO. The Police let me know that I didn't have to, any assault cases are given to the State's Attorney and they review the case to see if charges should be brought against the person.
Bottom line..."if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen."

Sylvester,

PLEASE read. It is written with great care and love for you, and all caregivers. I hope it clarifies, and gives some comfort. :")

I believe both of you people may need to consider placing your parents in a good facility that can care for them properly. By what you have shared with all here it appears you are in very serious trouble; much more trouble than my post is about. When one starts mentioning "Police", and "False accusations" it is a big sign that you are fearing for your lives the actions of your poor, sick and elderly mom or dad. Speaking for myself this would NEVER EVER be the case. I would be able to handle them myself no matter how unpleasant it may be. It is UNPLEASANT to say the very least for ALL of us. It sounds like you have very different issues that require more care than you are able to comfortably give.

It worries me to think your parents are in such a sad unstable life. The whole reason we take them in, and care for them is to enhance their lives at the end, and bring them love and comfort to the best of our ability. It is called sacrifice, a word that not everyone is capable of. It is not a sin to not be able to handle the burden, and you should never feel guilty if you can't. That being said, I'm sure that's what you really desire for them so the best thing to do would be to consider placing them where they will be at peace. This way you can visit them minus the immense stress on you. You can simply go and love them minus the burden.

We all have different circumstances, and all have to devise our own ways of dealing with them. It is complex, frustrating and frequently leaves us with a sense of feeling inadequate. These are ALL normal feelings, and part of the process, Feeling at times like you'd just wish they'd "go" already . . . TOTALLY NORMAL. Any good psychologist will tell you that anger is only a form of guilt. Sylvester, I'm sure you care dearly for your mom, but I think you may still feeling very guilty about the unforgivable treatment your dad suffered at the hands of a facility that should be closed down. Now There's a reason to call the police, and more importantly the Department of Elderly Affairs. Action is the best way of elevating misplaced guilt that you are inflicting upon yourself. I would be LIVID, and filled with unnecessary guilt myself if that happened to my dad. You were doing what you thought would be best for him, and an unconscionable things happened there. It was ENTIRELY the fault of that "facility" (hell hole) . . . NOT YOURS!!! Do you hear me? IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE INNOCENT AND NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DAD. I believe when we pass we see our whole human life completely clearly. Your dad is right there with you RIGHT NOW, and does NOT want you suffering over placing him there. He KNOWS you loved him. PLEASE believe me. I do this work for many people because I am able to communicate with them (shush...don't tell)!!!!!!!

I believe perhaps both you and Rovana may need to consider placing your parents in a GOOD that can handle their needs (research it first), or if you still choose to keep them home see if visiting nurses can come in to help you. If you don't have insurance and get them, get on the internet and Google all kinds of non profit services in your community till you find help. People WILL work with you if you are in serious need. DIG till you find help. By what you have shared with all of us here it appears you are in very serious trouble; much more trouble than my own little problem. When one starts mentioning "Police", and "False accusations" it is a warning sign that you are in fear of the actions of your parents. Speaking for myself this would never happen. I am very fortunate that my dad is sane, and quite easy. My problem was only a matter of how to diffuse his pain, frustration and anger. I would never subject him to the trauma of "police" or any other scary thing. I will be able to handle him always by myself no matter how unpleasant it may become. It is EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT to say the very least for ALL of us here. Caregiving is the most difficult thing that many of us have ever been through in our entire lives, especially when there is no family, spousal, and financial support. That's where I am, and it's been going on this way for 4 years. I am on disability, and in terrible physical and psychological pain all the time which compounds things. I get so miserable and irritated at times, and feel completely isolated, alone and often very depressed. At times a lot of us feel like we can't take anymore, but somehow we rally, and once again miraculously find resources we never knew we had, and go on. It sounds like you have some very serious issues, and may be at that point of not being able to take any more. It happens to many of us especially after just going through the same hell your another parent!!!!! I cannot even begin to imagine how awful that must be for you. You must really feel like your life is gone. I feel so bad for you my friend. Placing a parent in the care of unstressed people is not a sin, nor something you should ever feel guilty over. In fact it could be the most generous thing you might do. Your worry, and devotion to them demonstrates just how much you love them.

It does worry me though to think your mom may be in a feeling of daily instability. They are strongly sensitive to our stress and emotions even though we don't realize it. They worry constantly about what might happen to them because they no longer have control over their lives. Think about it; all their freedom, and personal choices of freedom are totally gone. They are completely reliant on us which they hate! Along with being sick she may be worrying about what might be coming next. This could be part of the reason she's lashing out too. Aside from being sick and feeling her loss of control, the question of your stress and the unknown may be scaring the crap out of her. The whole reason we take in, and care for them is to enhance their lives bringing them love, comfort, preservation of their dignity, strongly maintaining their sense of safety and unquestioned stability. What we are doing is is called self sacrifice; one of the hardest things in the world to do. It is not a sin to no longer be able to handle the burden, and you should NEVER feel guilty if you just can't anymore. That being said, I'm sure that's what you want most for them. Maybe it's time to consider placing them somewhere safe where they will be at peace. This way you can visit them without the immense stress, and anger that's heaped onto you. You'll be able can simply go and love them minus the burden.

We all have different circumstances, and all have to devise our own ways of dealing with them. Any good psychologist will tell you that anger is guilt only in a different expression. We turn guilt inward, and store all that anger inside ourselves like poison. Sylvester, I'm sure you care dearly for your Mom. You would not be speaking with so much passion if you did not. Also, you should NEVER feel guilt for placing you dad in that hell hole. YOU DID NOT KNOW. You did the right thing. Additionally, never feel guilty for cruel things you may have said or done (aside from physical abuse). There is no "right" or "wrong" in this process. All we can do is learn from the mistakes and go on. This is a foreign world that we are all trying to navigate around. Our emotions, and reactions are all over the map, so give yourself a break. We're only human. Forgive yourself, and move on. Maybe it is time to care for yourself WITHOUT GUILT, and ease yourself of the past and present years of hell. It may be the best thing for both you and your mom. Again I applaud you for your devotion to both your parents especially doing it all by yourself. I don't think you see how angry you come across, but the answer is not to do something drastic like "calling the police". Imagine how traumatic that might be for her? Would you want her to experience that now? I KNOW you would not; you care too much . . .

Prayers are going out to you. LOVE is the one single truth, the one emotion that is of value in this world, and all eternity. It is the only single thing that counts. Love yourself, and you will find yourself relieved of all other burdens.

Peace, Light and Love to You My Friend

A great quote for all caregivers

"Being a caregiver is the most thankless role in the world.
Everybody gives the patient some slack, as they should,
but the caregiver has the stress of life
and then you put a catastrophic illness on top of it
...the stress goes through the roof."

~Marcia Wallace

In most places the police or EMT.s or Paramedics can not take a person to a psych unit unless they are a threat to themselves or others and most angery people can turn it off and on at will -my husband conceinced doc he was fine but his wife was crazy-I never called the police or an ambulance like the NP told me to if he really acted up because he could go happy go lucky at the drop of a hat -even when he had be sucidial for hours before. My pastor did come one time and he was ok for a day-calling the police or paramedics is just a waste of time when the sick person is a psyco who can be an actor.

I agree with sylvester 18 here - sometimes it is essential to call the police, not only to protect yourself from false accusations, but quite possibly to prevent a tragedy - the house set afire, the "thieving" neighbor gunned down. Did you read that story from Florida - the 96 year old woman who shot and killed her son? They may be old, they may be sick, but you can't fool around with violent threats.

I think I am done here. I figured out my own solution thanks. I pray you do not ever call the police on your sick elderly parent. THAT is true abuse. Again, all the best. I wish your loved one as well as yourself peace and love.

Damn straight, CALL THE POLICE. It works. OR, get him out of the house and into some type of place where he can associate with others his own age...there is nothing wrong with me. And, no I am not "very angry"..I just say what I mean and mean what I say. Peace out

No, this was the statement that worried me... these are your words-"With all the medical problems he has, arguing with him is raising his blood pressure, and if he suffers a stroke or heart attack because of it, you would NEVER forgive yourself. By your comment, which lot's of worried caregivers are reading, you have created an opportunity to make people feel more guilt than they needlessly already have. People have enough trouble with guilt (not me, I feel wonderful about how I've cared for my dad), and saying that only makes them feel scared and guilty. Saying that if a parent dies by something you said it is YOUR fault is not only ludicrous, but it is thoughtless and insensitive. "Call the police"?????? What is wrong with you? He is SICK, and I am trying to find a solution to help him not be so upset. You sound VERY angry, and I can fully understand those feelings. This site though is a place to speak of your own experiences, or reach out compassionately to help others . . . not make them feel worse or judged. These are the unspoken rules that all of us abide by. Perhaps you should read many other posts, and try to learn the way we communicate. I am very sorry for your situation, and I commend you for caring for both your parents. PEACE

endofmyrope1111, I hope you feel better now that you have vented...:) Sorry if I came across as judgemental to you. But, my only answer after doing this for so many years with both parents, losing one ( and feeling guilt for placing him) in a nursing home that neglected him to the point they made him sick, is...if it is too much to handle, you really should seek outside help to come in and assist or even completely take over. I don't see how that is being judgemental.
I have siblings that do not help out in any way...yet they seem to think I give a RATS ASS what their opinion is of how I am taking care of things. I made it a rule quite awhile back, since I am doing this all alone, it will be MY way or the highway. My Mother has been told the options, and she has pushed me to the point where I called the police on her quite a few times, and let me tell you, THE POLICE WILL PUT YOUR ELDER IN HIS PLACE. You stood up to me, why can't you stand up to your Dad and call the police to come in and "calm him down"...he will learn to shut his mouth or only bitch when he actually HAS one.

Sylvester,

I'm not sure if you read my post. I said that I DO understand why he's treating me this way, and I understand. My question was do I say something to him. He has NO dementia, at least not at this point, and knows enough to treat all other family members like gold. He was this this way long before he got sick. My sister lived with him for 20 yrs, and he treated her like crap while the rest of us were treated like royalty. My question was do I say anything to him about how cruel his words are. When he goes off I simply say "I won't stay and talk to you while you're attacking me". He works HIMSELF up before he goes off for no reason. If he has a heart attack or stroke it will be of his OWN doing . . . not mine.

You need to understand that I've been here living with him, and lovingly taking care of him for 4 years now, and dealing with these episodes. At first I did get drawn into his arguments, but have since learned to calmly say I won't stay and fight. My walking away even in silence makes him even MORE nut's. He then feels like I'm being "disrespectful", and holds grudges for day's despite my immediate apologies. There IS no stopping his hysteria! No matter what I do he get's himself worked into a frenzy, and it's ALWAYS over nothing!!! It usually is after I do some amazing thing to make him happy. The event this week was over a valentine card he wanted to send to a dear old friend. He always felt it important to choose his own cards, but now he can't. I know how helpless and angry he feels. I offered to buy several so he could pick the best one, but he absolutely refused. I am a professional artist so I offered to make a really special card that was blank so he could write his own words inside. I wanted to do something that would be really beautiful and special. It took me two whole days to make, and my work on it was squeezed between making his meals, laundry, cleaning etc. He is still able to do his personal care like showers, trips to the kitchen etc. When I finished he yelled that it was too late to get there for valentines day. I had planned to send it express overnight mail so she would get it by noon today. Well, he screamed "You've been working on the stupid thing for 5 days now!!!!!", which was a total lie. Also, at his request I went out to buy the largest bottle I could find of her favorite perfume. I had to go to three places to find it, and it cost $100.00. He had given me $40 thinking it would be enough. He has been too weak to go to the bank, and refuses to let me go for him so it was all he had. Also, he has NO idea what things cost, and would never spend that much on perfume yet he insisted on the largest bottle. To help him because it was so important to him I spent almost a whole day running around for the damn stuff, and then made up the difference with my own money (I am disabled and have very little money). That he was happy with, but my gorgeous card, and the hours of work put into it were smashed to bits. I feel that if he is cogent enough to roll out the red carpet for my two selfish heartless sisters he can be kind to me too. I feel holding stuff in is wrong despite someone's illness, and I try to do it well. It is VERY HARD to know what to do, and I must say I resent your somewhat judgmental and patronizing answer. I was NOT helpful, and it's purpose was to inspire guilt. I assure you I feel absolutely ZERO guilt regarding the care of my father whom I adore. I have given up my own personal life in every respect to care for, and make his last years as comfortable and happy as I can. I would feel NO guilt if he passed in a fit of rage. His extremely angry outbursts (which he's always had by the way) are HIS OWN decisions, and would never be what I cause. I posted the question in the hopes that someone would have a clever and kind suggestion; not one of judgment,

I also read the answers that were posted
Sylvester,

I'm not sure if you read my post. I said that I DO understand why he's treating me this way, and I understand. My question was do I say something to him. He has NO dementia, at least not at this point, and knows enough to treat all other family members like gold. He was this this way long before he got sick. My sister lived with him for 20 yrs, and he treated her like crap while the rest of us were treated like royalty. My question was do I say anything to him about how cruel his words are. When he goes off I simply say "I won't stay and talk to you while you're attacking me". He works HIMSELF up before he goes off for no reason. If he has a heart attack or stroke it will be of his OWN doing . . . not mine.

I should add that I have two sisters who do not work, and are married to wealthy men. My father has been generous. and loves us more than anything in his life. My mom passed when she was 46 on my 26th birthday. I've had 6 giant surgeries on both hips, and ankle. I hobble around in terrible pain, and every time I've asked for help of any kind (including just sitting with dad if I have to go somewhere) the answer has always been an unquestionable "NO". Financially they have contributed NOTHING stressing my poor financial situation even worse than it already is. They have never liked me, and are very jealous. I am ALONE as he only has one elderly sister who like dad refuses to engage in anything of an emotional nature. Thankfully she does make meals occasionally on Sundays, and my younger does pick dad up from dialysis three times a week. Of course I take him at 5:30 am on those three days. They literally almost never visit. Maybe if he's lucky they come by a few times every 6 months, and only stay for about an hour. My one sister has a little dog that my dad ADORES, and brings so much happiness to. She never brings him over, and the rare times she does dads only allowed to give him half a treat. She is more concerned about her dogs health than my dads!!!!! I've learned to let their underhanded BS to roll off my back, but my reason for telling this is to paint the picture of what I've been up against for THREE years. He is starting to fail badly now, and still they don't come. He actually said to me his only reason for living is his kids. He said "It's all he has." SAD, but still no reason to treat his eldest daughter who adores him like $hit.

You need to understand that I've been here living with him, and lovingly taking care of him for 4 years now, and dealing with these episodes. At first I did get drawn into his arguments, but have since learned to calmly say I won't stay and fight. My walking away even in silence makes him even MORE nut's. He then feels like I'm being "disrespectful", and holds grudges for day's despite my immediate apologies. There IS no stopping his hysteria! No matter what I do he get's himself worked into a frenzy, and it's ALWAYS over nothing!!! It usually is after I do some amazing thing to make him happy. The event this week was over a valentine card he wanted to send to a dear old friend. He always felt it important to choose his own cards, but now he can't. I know how helpless and angry he feels. I offered to buy several so he could pick the best one, but he absolutely refused. I am a professional artist so I offered to make a really special card that was blank so he could write his own words inside. I wanted to do something that would be really beautiful and special. It took me two whole days to make, and my work on it was squeezed between making his meals, laundry, cleaning etc. He is still able to do his personal care like showers, trips to the kitchen etc. When I finished he yelled that it was too late to get there for valentines day. I had planned to send it express overnight mail so she would get it by noon today. Well, he screamed "You've been working on the stupid thing for 5 days now!!!!!", which was a total lie. Also, at his request I went out to buy the largest bottle I could find of her favorite perfume. I had to go to three places to find it, and it cost $100.00. He had given me $40 thinking it would be enough. He has been too weak to go to the bank, and refuses to let me go for him so it was all he had. Also, he has NO idea what things cost, and would never spend that much on perfume yet he insisted on the largest bottle. To help him because it was so important to him I spent almost a whole day running around for the damn stuff, and then made up the difference with my own money (I am disabled and have very little money). That he was happy with, but my gorgeous card, and the hours of work put into it were smashed to bits. I feel that if he is cogent enough to roll out the red carpet for my two selfish heartless sisters he can be kind to me too. I feel holding stuff in is wrong despite someone's illness, and I try to do it well. It is VERY HARD to know what to do, and I must say I resent your somewhat judgmental and patronizing answer. I was NOT helpful, and it's purpose was to inspire guilt. I assure you I feel absolutely ZERO guilt regarding the care of my father whom I adore. I have given up my own personal life in every respect to care for, and make his last years as comfortable and happy as I can. I would feel NO guilt if he passed in a fit of rage. His extremely angry outbursts (which he's always had by the way) are HIS OWN decisions, and would never be what I cause. I posted the question in the hopes that someone would have a clever and kind suggestion; not one of judgment,

I also read the "opinions" you posted to not only me, but also Susan 63. This site is about being FREE to unload our overwhelming stress, and KIND creative solutions to complex situations. So far the kind souls who've helped me, and who I've tried to help have not been designed to inspire guilt. NO ONE should think they should feel "guilty" over anything they do. They are ALREADY doing God's work which is confusing and painful. We are ALL trying our hardest to know what the best way to handle our own stress, financial problems, handling our time, sadness over the loss of our own freedom and emotions along with our parent's illnesses and needs. We're here because we need HELP! So please try not to judge another's handling or feelings about their stress. It's not what we all need. Just because you feel your way is the only way does not make it truth.

If anyone out there does have a unique answer to my problem, please feel free to help me. I'm sad about this upset that he's causing, and what options might help to diffuse his anger. I've tried talking to him when he's calm on the days that have no problems, but every time he stubbornly tries to blame me in some way. I'm EXHAUSTED. The hurt is gone over his words, but I do not believe verbal and emotional abuse should be tolerated by anyone who is sane. Why should he be any different because he's sick and dying. Keeping this in only sets up a habit of accepting it with others (especially men), and I fear of the habit following me after he's passed. I've been working in therapy for years on the topic of confrontation because I've never felt safe speaking up for myself. Now that I do am I supposed to just shut up again and take it????? I'm sorry for this extremely long post, but I feel it addresses a lot of issues, and I would hate for anyone to feel guilty if their parent died because of "THEM". NEVER EVER feel guilty unless you are literally abusing your loved ones, and you who know who you are if you do. Most of us here are loving caring people who love our parents. We wouldn't be posting here if we didn't!

Point blank...if you don't like the circumstances you are living in, CHANGE THEM. If taking care of the elder is too much for you to handle, hire someone who is TRAINED to deal with this type of person to come in and take care of them, or start investigating assisted living or nursing homes to place the elder in. I STRESS the word investigate...my Dad was neglected in a "rehabilitation center" and became septic and died from infection in 5 bedsores, THAT I HAD NO IDEA WERE ON HIS BODY.

ONE my Mother will back down from.

195 Austin, In my comment where did I justify an elder person being mean to their caregiver is acceptable? I live this everyday, I KNOW what this person is dealing with. I get my Mother clean clothes, lay them in front of her only to have her take a clenched fist swing at me, that if it made contact, would probably black my eye...she HAS made contact before, and I called the police on her. You have no idea what I deal with or what I have dealt with in the past, or what I will probably deal with in the future. If a HATEFUL, NARCICISSTIC ELDER is arguing, cursing, threatening you, walk away from it, if they hit you or cause you physical harm, call the Police. The Chief of Police is the ONLY

Sylvester being elderly does not justify them beining mean-yes we should not argue with them and get them upset to the point they may have a heart attack but we do not have to be there for them to rip us apart-that is why I do not answer Mom back she is 93 and does get upset with what anyone says to her but she can be such a witch and I choose to not engage her in conversation. Anyway 60% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for. Each of us could die today -how many young people go out in the morming and die every day. God does not promise us a tomarrow so just because they are old should that give them a right to be so mean to others-as a nurse I saw many people get sick and die and if they were nice when well and young they usually were still nice being old and sick.

Also, feel blessed your sibling sends financial assistance. There are some of us who do it ALL alone.

You have to put yourself in his shoes...how would you feel if you knew the end was near for yourself? With all the medical problems he has, arguing with him is raising his blood pressure, and if he suffers a stroke or heart attack because of it, you would NEVER forgive yourself. When he starts, tell him you are not doing this with him, walk away from him...go into another room, turn on some music, go outside...go back in 15 minutes and see if he is better. I realize you are dealing with a belligerent person, I do EVERYDAY with my Mother, and I just don't argue with her, even though she is calling me every name in the book. After an hour or so, she realizes her hurtful words and lashing out at me is pushing me away from her, so she then apoligizes. I just tell her, "I love ya."

Can your sisters take over some of the caregiving or can he be placed-I was verbally abused for years by my husband until I decided that I did not deserve to be treated that way and was able to leave the room when he started in with the cutting me down-if you are not dependent for him for a place to live you do not have to accept his statements. Can you have a family meeting and speak your mind and let everyone know this will can happen any more.I found any little action helped like just not hearing him yell for something or turning up the TV to drown out his fussing or pretend to not hear what he said.

Hello everyone,

I am the primary caregiver of my 82 year old dad. He has ESRF and on dialysis 3 days a week, plus congestive heart, vascular disease, arrhythmia and serious arthritic pain. He is close to the end, but still miraculously somewhat functional. He has no dementia but has become occasionally very verbally abusive. Oddly enough it often happens when I'm doing something really special for him. He is, and always been a great man and father but his treatment of me is just not acceptable. I live with, and care for him every day. I receive almost no help, and certainly no support from my two sisters. That I've accepted and become used to, but I'm not sure how to handle my father's uncalled for behavior. I understand why he's doing it. I know he feels like he's losing all control, and that the end is near even though he seems in denial about it. My question is how do I respond to his verbal abuse? It is hard to just turn and walk away because I don't allow anyone to treat me like that, and he should be told it is wrong. He becomes over the top angry, and lashes out at me with a vengeance. Of course he treats my sisters, and everyone else like they can do no wrong (also something I've accepted). I get very stern with him when he goes off on me, and stand up to him telling him I will not tolerate his cruelty. However, I would not want our last words to be mean. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm not sure if standing my ground is the right thing to do. I've been here doing this for almost 4 years now, and am exhausted beyond belief. As you all know this is so complicated, and none of the traditional rules apply. I feel like "Alice" in a bad "Wonderland"! Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you angels!

bluebird, if your father is an alcoholic, he'll probably act out when going through withdrawal. Who knows what his level of going crazy is when he is without it. Hours? a day? Perhaps there is a medical way to help him get off the stuff so he won't have withdrawal pains. Of course, he sounds like a pain in the rear end regardless, but everyone certainly doesn't need that extra trigger of aggression that comes when the cravings and withdrawal pangs get going. Get your "Supernanny on" and put him in his place, the "naughty corner," then walk away.

When Mom gets the slightest bit snappy (like throwing toilet paper at me after I ask her to wipe...with a "here, I did it are you happy" fit) that's as far as it gets. It's one thing to be frustrated at the unwieldy and deteriorating situation, but it's another thing to project it on to ME.

Good luck, and hang in there for yourself...

Bluebird, I'm sorry for all you've gone through with your father. My father alos has angry outbursts and has also embarrassed me in the dining room when he snapped and bellowed.

You mentioned your father's drinking problem. Would it be possible for the staff at his facility to help you gradually ease him off the alcohol? My mother was an alcoholic and I know how that substance can really change a person's personality when it gets into that person's system. He would be easier for you to manage if he could become sober. But I know this is a tricky, difficult problem.....just wondering.

Hi there, I logged on to read about how others handle an elderly abusive parent and I have been so encouraged by what I've read. I am the only child of an academically brilliant father whose heavy drinking, unpredictable mood and controlling nature ruined much of my childhood. Mum escaped into Alzheimer's and died 10 years ago. She used to take my hand and run away from his bellowing. Now Dad is 83 and in an excellent care home but over the years has inveigled me into enabling his heavy drinking and subsequent aggression. He snaps and shouts at people for not answering their mobiles, or being a few minutes late; he's had one male carer in tears. At one point there was a real danger he'd be asked to leave the home. I'd begun to dread my three-weekly visits (I live close by) as I'm tired after work and he made no allowance for this, expecting me to 'entertain' him regardless. He doesn't socialise in the care home because others avoid his aggressive behaviour. This last Sunday when I'd gone to lunch with him, he shouted at me in the dining room in front of everyone and something just snapped. Two years ago I stood up to him for the first time ever (I'm 54!!!) over his trying to get me to put him on the commode, which is a carer's job and illegal for me to do. Like all bullies he backed down in tears when he realised I wasn't going to do it. I thought things had changed after that but the more I've done for him, as a people-pleaser, the more he has disrespected me. Since last Sunday I haven't visited because I just had to have a break, and he's like a burst balloon, or a child without its dummy. Now it will be one short visit a week and I'll take a reasonable amount of whisky to the office, which will be dispensed to him by the carers over the week, so no more frantic phone calls from him at all hours begging for another bottle (we're deeply in the red financially, largely as a result of his drinking). I feel strong enough in myself not to back down, as he will certainly try to manipulate me into returning to our previous relationship. All the care staff know about it and are supporting me. I think my over-devotion to providing for Dad has disempowered him and made the carers' lives more difficult, so I hope it is not too late for him, through necessity, to develop good relations with those around him and open out his life more.

Well, I have been "putting up with" verbal abuse for many years from my Mother because of Mom's bipolar depression, but, I have learned HOW to deal with it. If my Mother would have slammed the broken screen door on me, I would remove the screen door so it would never happen again.
She has broken pictures, takes them down off the wall, and sets them on the floor, I just remove that item form the scene, therefore I don't have to deal with it anymore. Books have been taken off shelves, layed on the floor, china broken, furniture burned with her cigarettes, needless to say, we live with burned furniture and no knick knacks, books, pictures anywhere. The carpet is burned, a beautiful newly redone hardwood floor, burnmarks on it. So there comes a time when the you just have to set your foot down and take away the item causing you problems. Just like a child. Mom has started to say no when are you going to get new carpet? "UH, WHEN YOU STOP SMOKING"
Why did you take the pictures? UH, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO STAY HUNG UP ON THE WALL.
Sometimes I think the "dementia" excuse is overrated. The KNOW what they are doing at times, granted, at times they forget, but to intentionally slam the door on you, he KNEW what he was doing. Get tough with him, take things away, he will learn NOT to do these mean things to you .

reviewerz,

Your abusive dad very likely had an undiagnosed case of Borderline Personality Disorder. There are some books out now for adult children of a parent with BPD.

I have experienced this with my father all of my life. For over 50 years, I was so passive and just took all the abuse that he dished out. He always has been so "sweet" in public, and he really can put on a show. But at home, he likes to run all over everyone physically and verbally.

But one morning a few years ago, I told my father "that's enough. I'm not taking any more of this abuse." He was stunned, and that made him even more abusive and aggressive .... very aggressive. It just came to the point when he had to leave my home and my life. It simply was not fair for me or my family to continue to tolerate his abuse. He abused my mother for 43 years, and she when she died she said was glad to be going to a better place where he could not abuse her any longer.

The point I want to stress is === don't keep putting up with it. You are wasting your life and your family's life putting up with that man. It's very hard to wash you hands of someone who has drilled it in your head all of your life that he is the most powerful and deserving person on earth. No, he isn't, and you need to realize that and cut yourself free. Believe me, you will feel like a rejuvenated free soul ... so light that you will begin to enjoy life with freedom. Take that time, then, to build your confidence and make youself realize that you are worth it and you deserve happiness, not abuse.

Elderly, abusive, manipulative parents can cheat you out of your life, happiness, and freedom.

my uncle who died of cangrene, diabetes, heart problem, etc. used to cal me b. and he was very abusive toward all family trying to help him out. when he was healthy he was very mean and verbally abusive as well. he was so miserable that he insulted everybody. I felt very bad too, family told me to ignore him, but it wasn't easy. one time I was so pested off that I called him MANIAC and he was so surprised of my angry reaction that he never again insulted me. I still love him so much, he died 12 years ago.