Hello. My foster mom when in pain, discomfort, confusion, worried, not understanding receiving too much information, etc.
She develops an obsessive fixation on the topic, object, thing, etc.
She'll repeat and rant about it on and off for many hours. Sometimes lasting until 2am or so.
Distractions work only sometimes and temporarily.
Sometimes it lasts for a day or two, then it's back to being fixated on the thing. She's trying to force herself to understand.
It gets super exhausting and sometimes she gets angry at me when I try to distract or change topics. Sometimes she'll get angry at me when I'm agreeable. Sometimes when I'm agreeable that only worsens things and she takes it as permission to continue some more.
How to deal and cope with it?
I know there isn't much I can do.
What stage of dementia is this?
After I’d get my children off to school, she’d start shadowing me, complaining about her MIL (died in the 1960s) and anyone else who had ever wronged her. Same script, over and over. Often until it would be time for me to meet the school bus. If I tried to divert her, she’d anger because it was disrespectful of me to try to change the subject. If I pointed out that these were things that occurred long in the past and could not be changed, and that I was concerned about her inability to move on, she’d anger that I was the only person to whom she could vent.
Sorry I have nothing helpful to suggest. My mother was at her worst for this 10 to 5 years ago and, oddly, the diversity of her topics has increased as her dementia has worsened. Strength to you! Sending patience too!
My DH’s sundowning behaviors are sometimes Obsessive Compulsive in nature and sometimes they are agitated or despairing. I often will make an appointment with him for the following day to talk about his specific concern (of course it’s forgotten by then) and change the subject. The best thing I have found to do lately is to speak calmly and pleasantly with him about what I’m doing at the moment. I don’t reference the behavior at all, I ignore it and narrate my actions as I tidy up the kitchen or fold laundry or look through a magazine, as if I’m unaware of what he is doing. I don’t get drawn in or show concern.
Sometimes this seems to help him get through whatever is going on in his mind, sometimes not, but it ALWAYS helps me!
Obsessional behavior is common to dementia, and often crosses over stages with ease given that we all have a bit of built-in OCD (obsessive-compulsive-disorder) by nature; we are designed for survival in part by getting/keeping things IN ORDER. The attempts to order and protect our own lives/worlds easily tips into anxiety and obsessive ideation. Add, then, the disinhibition present in all dementias? Well, there you are, wherever you are!
There is a wealth of information on the internet awaiting you. Research and you'll be so much better informed. BUT, don't expect to find "all the answers" by finding a "label" in word or stage.
I'd speak with the doctor about this. It is clearly changing the household and distressing your mom and yourself. That's the time to act. Sometimes a mild anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication can help calm the mind and stop circular thinking. Your attempts to CONTROL the issues will only worsen them and frighten your mom, making her back into her corner fists raised.
At some point things are out of the control of what one person/one family can handle. That's the time to consider placement for the good of all. But that's a matter of some long thought and observation. Informing yourself, attempting to do what can be done, may delay that time considerably.
I sure hope others will have some things for you to try that worked for them. For me, with my brother and his early Lewy's dementia, it was a matter of keeping things simple, areas organized, and keeping a notebook for him to look at about his finances and their safety, his bills and their payment. He had been meticulous and organized all his life, and the thought of things not being safe or not getting done formed a sort of anxious need-to-know that was greatly comforted by being able to pull out his looseleaf binder, sit and look at everything. He died before his Lewy's could progress in a dire manner (for which he and I were both grateful), so I can't know how long that might have continued to sooth.
Good luck, Play.
How old is she? Does she have any other health issues?
Do you live with her?
She is in dire need of medication for her agitation. And even if she were prescribed something, very iffy if she would even comply with taking them. She cannot get herself into a calm state because her brain is broken.
If you live with her, you need to plan to move out soon. Once she is in a facility you won't be allowed to live in her house or rental. It's also destructive to your mental health. If she lives with you, she needs facility placement and the legal oversight of a guardian.
I hope you don’t live with her . How old are you ? Are you an adult ?
If you are not an adult , a new foster Mom is needed for you . You can tell a guidance counselor , teacher at school . They can help you contact the foster care system .
If you are an adult , technically you are not responsible for a person who was a foster mom to you as a minor . Do you work , can you afford to live on your own or to get a roommate and pay rent ?
More information may result in better responses here .