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So, Mark's birthday was on March 29th and he would have been 62. His daughter, Ashlann died at 31 in October and his first wife years before that. I'm getting better about guilt, but the nagging feeling of I'm the only one left alive out of the family unit scares me! Yes, he had a granddaughter, but she is special needs and don't know if she is really aware of her mother's or grandfather's death. I feel like why am the only one left? Why did Ashlann decide to drink herself to death? I know it's weird as it wasn't traumatic to really be survivors' guilt.

We are human beings. Too much time on our hands and our minds tend to wander in all manner of explorations of what ifs and maybes and shoulds I/can I/why DIDn't I. It's the nature of the beast.
Feel what you feel, treat it like a weather system, get through it and go on.
This is life, imho.

I often tease that I think we were a whole lot better off as peasants that worked the fields, raised MAYBE enough food to feed ourselves, up with the crows and in bed when the sun set, exhausted, without a whole lot of time for the machinations of our busy brains.

Good to hear from you DoggieMom. You're doing FINE. CARRY ON.
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You are not the only one left, as you still have your mom and if my memory serves me a brother as well.
Mark was your ex, and his family was his family not technically yours, so you need to put that in perspective and be grateful for the people that you do have left in your life, as I'm guessing your mom wouldn't be too happy to learn that you feel that you're the only one left in your family.
I'm glad that you're in therapy and I hope that includes grief counseling as well.
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DoggieMom86 Apr 3, 2025
I guess I should word that better, the only one left in my ex's nuclear family unit. Yes, my family I have my mother, brother, sis in law, and an aunt and uncle.
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This is a LOT of loss for anyone.
I don't know if a person "decides" to drink themselves to death. It happens and when you are at that point I don't think you can just stop drinking unless you make a conscious decision to do so. That is the "hitting rock bottom" unfortunately some do not realize they are at the bottom.
If you are not talking to a therapist please do so. You are processing a lot and it helps to have someone that is uninvolved, neutral, to bounce thoughts off of. You have nothing to be or feel guilty about

🙏
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DoggieMom86 Apr 3, 2025
Thank you I am in therapy and they are working on having me let go. Ashlann was in and out of rehab for many years, one was six months. She drank rubbing alcohol and took a muscle relaxer which stopped her breathing.
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