My 72 year old mom moved in with my husband and me 2 years ago. She is physically and mentally healthy. I used the term caregiver with her some time ago and she came unglued. That has me feeling hesitant to post my questions here. So, do I belong here since she takes care of herself but lives with us?
Google "fear, obligation and guilt". Then read about how adult children set boundaries with their parents.
Your mother has some serious illnesses which are progressive. She may have some mental illness or a personality disorder. She is certainly not a fully functional, independent person, is she?
Yes, you belong here! Start setting boundaries on your time, both for work and with your husband. And start looking at senior apartments in your area for mom.
YOU ARE A CAREGIVER!
Not only are caregivers required to do all these things and be NICE, they must not allow their care recipients to know you are a caregiver!
Welcome!
My mom has been in her apartment for three years now. She's in a great place that has continuing care. They have all kinds of activities and trips but she still chooses to sit and watch TV all day. The good news is she has made friends and meets them every night for Happy Hour and dinner.
I've really had to work hard to make her independent. I had to for her sake and mine. Take care of yourself and listen to what others have said about setting boundaries.
You belong in bed early enough to get enough rest, regularly.
You belong at the hairdresser or gym regularly and enough to keep you feeling good.
You belong at the doctor for yourself often enough to stay healthy.
And other "belongings" too.
Me, I am doing it from afar. I cannot be in the same room with either parent for more than a few minutes before the criticism starts. So I choose not to be in the same room as them. It took years of therapy to get out from under their thumbs and I refuse to give up my life for them.
So even though I am not dealing with my parents on a day to day basis, I read on these pages what may be coming down the pipe and how to set up supports ahead of time. Once again from afar.
Instead of your Mom going to a senior center, personally I feel 70 is too young to even be there, is for Mom to do some volunteer work that is an easy drive for her. Volunteering is the greatest feeling in the world, plus she will meet new people closer to her age. Then and maybe then your Mom will start taking better care of herself.
Yes, you are a caregiver if you are driving Mom to doctor appointments, etc. And with Mom having those ailments. Curious about the poor vision. What does the ophthalmologist have to say about this issue? Regarding Mom's knees, do they hurt because of her weight? Take her walking if you can, its a great way to keep the pounds down [I need to take my own advice].
Reading that your Mom was never lived on her own reminded me of my own Mom. My Mom hated being on her own any time Dad was on a business trip or in the hospital. Then it dawned on me, Mom and all her sisters lived at home until they were married.
Welcome to the forum :)
Please find yourself a therapist and go so that you have someone to guide and support you in the battle for freedom from the big three, "Fear, Obligation and Guilt"
KJ, you certainly do belong here if you want to get smart input from people who are now or have been in similar situations. Take the helpful stuff, leave the rest. We're all just regular people, though some have more knowledge about certain aspects of caregiving. The caregiving journey can be a real tough thing for many and you'll need advice and support along the way. Welcome to AC.
I've only posted once before a few weeks ago and received many many helpful and supportive answers. Since then I've been reading and learning so much! So thanks to everyone here for your contributions.
If I may be so bold ... please think back to when you first came on here, were a newbie, and how you would have felt about bickering starting in your initial threads. Speaking from experience on other forums I've joined, it's very hurtful and unhelpful, and drove me away instead of welcoming me in.
So my suggestion: put your best foot forward at first.
My two cents' ......
See All Answers