My mom has dementia, diabetes, and bipolar disorder. She went to the ER in an ambulance today because she was having an episode and some stomach pain. Normally, she just needs help managing her medication and meals because she forgets that she takes her meds and doesn't know how to work a stove or oven. So she has been living with me for 2 months. I am not her POA or anything, but she is putting a strain on my marriage. My spouse doesn't want her to come back. My mom just did this with my brother and sister in law a few months on the other side of the states. My SIL refused to have let her home back to their house after she stayed in the hospital for a few days because of a similar reason. The hospital put her in a nursing home because she had no where she to go. And now my SIL is encouraging me to leave her at the hospital so that this one finds her a nursing home too. However, I want to know if the hospital would even do that and if there would be any ramifications for me. My mom wants to go into a nursing home, but I haven't been able to find one that would work for her yet. Please let me know what your thoughts are. Thanks!
The hospitals are very good at 'fast tracking' placement into nursing facilities, but someone still needs to 'sign off' as next of kin/guardian/POA and then manage the paperwork. You should be able to talk with the hospital's social worker to discuss placement and address any concerns you may have.
It may be time to have a family conference to discuss roles and responsibilities.
BTW, you can always change facilities if things aren't working out.
Can I suggest "The situation is causing a strain on my marriage" rather than "she is putting a strain on my marriage".
I get the feeling you may be resentful? No judgement! Understandable! Do you feel Bro & SIL have sidestepped out & left you as 'it'? (Again, no judgement if you do).
It's ok to be overwhelmed. But now is the time to be honest with yourself. How much can you do going into the future? Knowing that dementia is progressive + the bipolar + the diabetes.
"My mom wants to go into a nursing home.."
It's always so much better if people can choose their own path forward & accommodation type as they age. That's a big positive.
"...but I haven't been able to find one that would work for her yet".
Ask to speak to the Hospital Social Worker. They can help shortlist appropriate local places that suit her needs.
Firstly, decide what your role will be. The caregiver? The main organiser? Her advocate? Well wishing bystander?
If you do agree NH is next & do want to be the organiser or advocate, next question is what location? Near you or near Brother?
As your sister in law has already been through the process it would be sensible to listen to her advice; and you can explain to the hospital that a) you are not able to meet your mother's physical and mental healthcare needs and b) she is not resident at your home and has no residence of her own.
Tip: do not say "she just needs help with managing medication and meals." She has just demonstrated that you cannot meet her needs by having a ?psychotic episode. You do not have to exaggerate anything for it to be clear that she needs more structured support than you are able to give her.