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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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So, my father (96) was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer. It's very hard, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it due to his age. The other and more complicated issue is my mother (95). She was the one who I always thought was the one who more had her head on her shoulders and was independent. However, she's completely lost it about how she will be alone and how she won't be able to get anywhere (she stopped driving years ago and my father was the one taking her everywhere), etc. etc. She has macular degeneration so her vision is not that great. She has other health issues but can still get around the house. However, between her and my cousin, they are starting to put the pressure on me to move back home. My mother is on the East Coast and I am in the LA area. I'm 69 years old and retiring in 8 months. My plan was to move to the Southern Sierra about 3 hours north of Los Angeles. So.....do I just trash that idea, move 3000 miles back east? And then when it's over and she's gone....then what? I just pick up and move 3,000 miles back again? It was easy to move around a lot when I was younger but at my age, not so much. So I really feel that if I move back East, that's pretty much it for me. No going back. And I hate it there. I would be more that willing to have my mother come live with me once she's alone, but I know she won't do it. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to feel like a horrible person, but at the same time I don't want to end up spending my golden years/last years on the planet 3000 miles away in a place that I hate. I will do what I can for her from here but I really, really, really don't want to uproot myself and my plans for my own [dwindling] future....
At 95 it may make better sense to put Mom in A/L on east coast if she refuses to move out west. I would have resources in Bakersfield and on the east coast. I would not base the decision on her doctors. Doctors retire and relocate. Mom is probably outliving many of her doctors at this point.
This is very touchy but can you partner with Dad on some of Mom's long term care decisions? If he was behind you Mom might be swayed. It is a very touchy conversation to have. You would want to have a soft script and I think the conversation is many times better done in person.
I absolve you of that burden your family is trying to put on you.
At their ages, they could literally drop dead at any given moment. My 96 year old aunt was trucking along and one day had a terrible headache and a few hours later was dead from a brain aneurysm.
My SIL's (he's 70) mom is in her 90s and widowed. She moved to independent living which she can still manage. He has not moved to her state though he visits more frequently.
I am sorry for this diagnosis but in all honestly a move to a GOOD ALF would afford your mother more loving attention and more activity than you could ever provide. I would make it clear at the get go that this isn't happening. If you enable it at all it WILL happen.
My SIL now is retired. His wife, my daughter will soon. He is a real hiker and and always out walking. They will soon be traveling together. His mother would NOT want this (and she suffers from Wet AMD as well) for him. She would not want him sacrificing some of the most free time in his life to her. I have long made it clear my daughter would NEVER be allowed to do so either. I am sorry your parents haven't made it clear to you that it isn't happening.
As far as the rest of the family I couldn't be less interested in what they all think. You shouldn't be either. Just my own opinion. You are all grown up and your choices will be your own.
NO! Don't do it! Your mother is old. Look for assisted living places in her area for her. Don't uproot your life to move to an area where you don't know anyone and have to get familiar in areas you hate.
I had a similar issue with my sister and my nieces getting angry because I wouldn't become the POA for their mother. One lives in California. I had just retired because my job was outsourced, so they thought that I had a bunch of free time on my hands. Little did they know that I was prepping to go back into a field of work by taking classes, getting updated on immunizations and physicals. Besides, my older sister is about herself and could care less if I had rent money for the month or not.
Don't let your mother and your cousin pressure you into moving back losing out on your retirement plans.
Get your retirement set up to your plans and don't let senior brat tantrums manipulate you into ruining your plans. Trust me, they will get over it.
Never do that!! You've earned your retirement, and you deserve it. Taking care of a 95-year-old woman is extremely limiting, and you'll have no life of your own. It's very selfish for her to expect that you'd give up your life to make hers - um, better? longer? happier? When it won't be that way anyway.
People that age aren't usually happy. You can count on it. Mom and Dad should have come up with some other plan for when one of them passed on. That's on them.
Check out some assisted livings near you. They often have their own doctors, nurses, clinics, all the medical things she'll need. Her present doctors being around to take care of her isn't a given. They quit, they move, they have a baby. Make it clear that she can't move in with you. That would be a disaster, trust me. At an AL, she'll get food, entertainment, new friends.
Mom didn't plan. Mom won't move. Mom doesn't care if you have your own happy life. Maybe that makes her the horrible person. But wait - maybe neither of you is horrible! Maybe you each have a right to be happy!
Thank you for the answers so far and providing your own perspective. I love my parents so very much, but the thought of upending the rest of my life is just too much for me. I like the idea of bringing mom to an assisted living facility near me (would probably have to be Bakersfield) and when the time is right I am going to suggest it to her. I doubt she will go for it though -- which, I do understand. She's used to the doctors she has and I can certainly see why she wouldn't want to change up her health care at this point. I hope she will, conversely, come to understand why I need to stay where I'm at.
Start scouting assisted livings in Mom's home town. You can do this remotely from LA. As a backup see what assisted livings are available in Southern Sierra. Gather information and see what your options are.
Also, if you come back east for any reasons if you can tastefully/respectfully do this I'd start donating stuff to goodwill etc. This may be easier since Mom is partially blind.
If Mom wants to stay on east coast I would not fight it. I was friends with a woman who was in her high 90's. Daughter moved her from east coast to a facility on west coast. The woman hated it. She was moved back to a facility on the east coast.
Well, the good news is you come from a stong gene pool so you are most likely to live to 100 or older.
Sometimes you have to make decision based on your gut. At close to 70 I'd stick to your original plan.
It appears you have two options. After Dad is gone find her assisted living back east or bring her to the Southern Sierra and find her assisted living in the Southern Sierra. For you it would be easier having her in assisted living in Southern Sierra but if she refuses find her something in her home town while you stay out west(this will be harder for you but many families make this work.)
You've worked hard your entire life and you don't want to be on the east coast. This is not an option.
You’re not a horrible person and you don’t move back. There’s no need or reason to uproot your life for your mother as her future is much more limited than yours. Chances are she will no longer be able to live independently, but that’s not on you to solve other than to help her find a new place in assisted living. Ignore the pressure, don’t respond to it at all as you know it’s not what’s good for either of you. Offer to help her find a new place, if she declines, that’s on her. She will need more help and a new place, but that can look like a lot of things other than you uprooting your life
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
At 95 it may make better sense to put Mom in A/L on east coast if she refuses to move out west. I would have resources in Bakersfield and on the east coast. I would not base the decision on her doctors. Doctors retire and relocate. Mom is probably outliving many of her doctors at this point.
This is very touchy but can you partner with Dad on some of Mom's long term care decisions? If he was behind you Mom might be swayed. It is a very touchy conversation to have. You would want to have a soft script and I think the conversation is many times better done in person.
I absolve you of that burden your family is trying to put on you.
At their ages, they could literally drop dead at any given moment. My 96 year old aunt was trucking along and one day had a terrible headache and a few hours later was dead from a brain aneurysm.
I am sorry for this diagnosis but in all honestly a move to a GOOD ALF would afford your mother more loving attention and more activity than you could ever provide. I would make it clear at the get go that this isn't happening. If you enable it at all it WILL happen.
My SIL now is retired. His wife, my daughter will soon. He is a real hiker and and always out walking. They will soon be traveling together. His mother would NOT want this (and she suffers from Wet AMD as well) for him. She would not want him sacrificing some of the most free time in his life to her. I have long made it clear my daughter would NEVER be allowed to do so either. I am sorry your parents haven't made it clear to you that it isn't happening.
As far as the rest of the family I couldn't be less interested in what they all think. You shouldn't be either. Just my own opinion. You are all grown up and your choices will be your own.
Investigate ILs, ALs and Nursing Homes in the area you intend to move to. Mom's needs may change, so visit places with different levels of care.
I had a similar issue with my sister and my nieces getting angry because I wouldn't become the POA for their mother. One lives in California. I had just retired because my job was outsourced, so they thought that I had a bunch of free time on my hands. Little did they know that I was prepping to go back into a field of work by taking classes, getting updated on immunizations and physicals. Besides, my older sister is about herself and could care less if I had rent money for the month or not.
Don't let your mother and your cousin pressure you into moving back losing out on your retirement plans.
Get your retirement set up to your plans and don't let senior brat tantrums manipulate you into ruining your plans. Trust me, they will get over it.
People that age aren't usually happy. You can count on it. Mom and Dad should have come up with some other plan for when one of them passed on. That's on them.
Check out some assisted livings near you. They often have their own doctors, nurses, clinics, all the medical things she'll need. Her present doctors being around to take care of her isn't a given. They quit, they move, they have a baby. Make it clear that she can't move in with you. That would be a disaster, trust me. At an AL, she'll get food, entertainment, new friends.
Mom didn't plan. Mom won't move. Mom doesn't care if you have your own happy life. Maybe that makes her the horrible person. But wait - maybe neither of you is horrible! Maybe you each have a right to be happy!
As a backup see what assisted livings are available in Southern Sierra. Gather information and see what your options are.
Also, if you come back east for any reasons if you can tastefully/respectfully do this I'd start donating stuff to goodwill etc. This may be easier since Mom is partially blind.
If Mom wants to stay on east coast I would not fight it. I was friends with a woman who was in her high 90's. Daughter moved her from east coast to a facility on west coast. The woman hated it. She was moved back to a facility on the east coast.
Sometimes you have to make decision based on your gut. At close to 70 I'd stick to your original plan.
It appears you have two options. After Dad is gone find her assisted living back east or bring her to the Southern Sierra and find her assisted living in the Southern Sierra. For you it would be easier having her in assisted living in Southern Sierra but if she refuses find her something in her home town while you stay out west(this will be harder for you but many families make this work.)
You've worked hard your entire life and you don't want to be on the east coast. This is not an option.
As I learned here, your Mom has had her life.
It's time for you to live yours.
"I can't possibly do that!" is a fine answer to your mom.
Offer to help your mom find a place (you can tour Assisted Livings over FaceTime or similar.)