I was verbally and emotionally and physically abused throughout my childhood by my narcissistic mother who smoked heavily since age 15. She’s now 84, has severe COPD and can barely walk because of breathing issues and refusal to exercise. My two years younger, single and childless 61 yr old sister invited Mom into her home because, “My Mother will never live in a nursing home!” She made this decision single-handedly without counsel of 3 older siblings and one younger. After the fact, we told her Mom is mean, but she said, not to me! Now, she’s accusing me of dumping Mom on her! I live in another state, have been told by 4 different therapists over 20 years to cut all contact with my mother, and have nearly died post suicide attempt. I WILL NOT EVER care for my mother. Loss of my life for her is not acceptable. Sometimes, the lack of care the elderly receive from their adult children is the result of their own cruel behavior and not the result of selfishness on the part of the child. I DID care for my father and grandmother, but will not provide care for her.
I am no longer a caregiver, but the reach of dysfunctional situations is long and still affects people.
, if not, its Medicaid and a nice Longterm care facility.
Abused children should never care for their abusers.
At age 30+ when I got divorced my entitled, narcissistic, hypocritical, hypochondriac mother expected me to move back with her as she wanted someone to take care of her. She was never sick, still OK in late 80s.
Like you I was advised little or no contact.
What did I do?
I went to study and became successful and then married the best man ever. Now I take care of him. I don’t like that we lost our carefree lifestyle but we have peaceful life.
Now I can visit my mother and I can do it from position of strength. But I won’t stay with her. Hotel is better I can leave anytime.
The gift I gave myself to be free and permission to become my own person took five years, but it is unshakable.
If you stay on this forum you read lots of stories about daughters and mothers and some if not most are horrible if daughters become caregivers.
Your story is very poignant and touches many issues.
Read Liz Scheier's 'Never Simple".
Let me assure you, Kathy, that when the day comes you can FORGIVE your mother for her limitations and accept that you owe her nothing, that will be the day you are healed.
You'll never hear from her the words you so long for, the words every child needs--th that you are good enough and are beloved. You will have to hear those words from others.
We have two chances at family: the one we are born to and the one we MAKE.
You're an adult now. You bear a responsibility to YOURSELF, to nurture yourself, to make yourself better, to form your own family whether that's a nuclear family or good friends. You'll have eventually to give up victimhood and martyrdom.
You'll have to move away from habitual paths you have walked down a long time now. Your therapists, if they are good ones who don't just listen and collect money from you, but who shake your world, shock you, shake you and make you look at the habits you have formed that harm you, will now help you to do that.
Your mother's fate is sad--tragic, really.
You don't want to nurture that and give it generational life.
You want to simply remove yourself from her harmful ways, and get on with your life. You aren't responsible for her well being or happiness; and what others think about you isn't your problem; it's their own.
You have very hard work ahead to make a joy-filled quality life, one in which you are so proud of yourself that you will never again have to count on the opinions of anyone else.
I wish you the very best. You can do this if you choose to. It's part of being a grownup. Practice the Serentity prayer. I say that as an atheist. Speaking of things biblical and not, the bible is not only full of gorgeous and poetic language, but full of wisdom. In Corinthians it says:
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
It's time to put away those things you had to fight so hard to survive. It's time to live the life you have WON, and have EARNED. I wish you joy. It's a New Year coming Kathy. It can be the best year of your life, if you make it so.