My mom said, “never put me in a nursing home”. She’s 89 now and had a stroke affecting her memory. She was a cruel mother, physically and emotionally abusive. When she had the stroke I moved in with her. I do everything for her. She is depressed, and has been most of her life. There is an absence of joy, regardless of my efforts to rouse her. Consequently, my health is suffering. I’m not sure how long I can maintain. I’m unhappy and there is no relief. My brother is estranged and has been for 15 years, because of her behavior towards him. It’s a dysfunctional family. I am the eternal daughter, unfortunately. What can I do?
You are not powerless. In fact, you have all the power.
You aren’t resigned to anything. You don’t have to do a damn thing she expects you to do.
Get her placed somewhere decent and start healing the wounds she inflicted.
As a grown woman, you get to choose how you live, not your (abusive selfish cruel and inconsiderate) mom.
Based on fear. Of handed down tales (or memories) of dank, dire, smelly old places.
Modern assisted living is not perfect. Far from. But usually much more pleasant, with more light, less odours, activities & a cafe or garden.
Visit some. Research costs.
Options. Mom can;
A. Stay at home, completely independant until the day she passes.
B. Age at home, hiring all the help she needs in her home.
C. Move into a care home that supplies the support she needs.
Note: There is no option called Adult Children must provide all care with their own hands or finances. That would be *wishful thinking*.
IF adult children do provide this it is a GIFT, freely given, for the time they choose to.
We placed our mother in the same NH last August because she could no be alone any longer and did not have enough money to pay for 24/7 care. She died in June. She was cruel too. She was an abusive bully.
Placing them was the right thing to do.
It was the most ugly miserable chapter of my life. It is not over yet but it is getting easier with my mother gone and their house being sold.
If you can’t do it any longer then you should not. Don’t feel guilty, it is not your fault that she is old. She could linger a long time like my parents did.
You tell her a therapeutic fib that she has to go somewhere "temporarily" -- and you don't pay for it, she does. Then don't visit her unless you really want to or it makes you happy to do so.
Refusing to orbit around your abuser is called Poetic Justice. By putting her into a NH you both get what you deserve here on earth.
May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move on with a healthier life.
Its time to place her. Her care is becoming too much for you. An abused child should never care of the abuser. If she doesn't have money, then you apply for Medicaid. If you have been her Caregiver for at least 2 yrs, you maybe able to stay in the home.
Get her arse into managed care immediately. That's what you can do!
Walk away! Call Adult Protection Services and tell them that there is a vulnerable adult and that you are not willing/able to give her the care she needs.
You owe your abuser NOTHING. Her demands are her problem, not yours.
Failure to plan on her part does not equal obligation on your part.
I hope you will love yourself enough to stop the madness immediately. You deserve to live your life your way!!
i wish you all the best and will be praying that your situation is soon rectified in your favor!!
I suggested a facility as she needs one. "No. She's adamant about not going in one. " I suggested a caregiver. "Well, you should know, she doesn't want anyone in the house that she doesn't know ". Everything was an excuse, meaning, tag. You're it.
I did what I could. Got her help. She got rid of it and I stopped running down there every time they asked.
Now, aunt has a caregiver, and I have my freedom and life back.
I learned to stop being a pushover and realized I couldn't take this on and all of them just had to deal with it.