No matter what we are talking about, she can find something to zero in on that is gloomy, or something bad that might happen, or someone else she has heard about that something sad happened to. Etc. It doesn't matter what we are talking about - she simply seems unable to stay on a cheerful topic for very long. I don't think she even realizes that she does this, but it really wears me down to the point that I have to brace myself for our visits. I don't think you can talk your way to being happy, but this certainly isn't helping her outlook at all. Can you help me understand why she might do this? How can I help her?
Maybe your parent can benefit from the "Gratitude Game" discussed in this humorous and inspiring video.
Confessions of a Jewish Mother:
I visited my DP yesterday, they were the same, Mom complaining and focusing on herself, Dad was pretending he can't hear...it's limited to one ear but he hears good with that one ear, he's just smart about it! Me, I was playing hairdresser and manicurist, humming a song while Mom was yack, yack YACKing.
When I accomplished what I came for, checking in on them, bringing needed items, trying to be of good company, when I had enough we hugged, kiss and said ok, I'll see you guys next time, love ya!
And all is well.
oh yes, now get this!!! would u ever eat anything from some 1 who refuses 2 wash their hands? i know i won't. the elder never changes his clothes, wads up filthy socks & puts them in a drawer 2 re-wear, & handles the nasty floor he never cleans, then handles food/drink, dishes. he's offended when confronted, but i must stand my ground; eating something handled by some 1 who won't wash their hands is as bad as eating off the floor!!! i'm from a rich family who won't even dig anything back out of the trash. we have those high-class tendancies, & coming from such a background as i did, i don't want germs in ANYTHING that's meant 4 my mouth!!!!!
Today is my day to visit my mother. It's good to know others are going into a negative situation today. I don't say much anymore and just let her say disgusting things. She can't hear me if I answer so I have to repeat several times and sometimes the comment never gets communicated. It's not worth the effort.
Most of what she says is not important, a lie, or some sort of confusion. I just let it go. I do the laundry and clean the cat litter and take her for a ride in the car and go home. It's impossible to have a relationship with such a diminished and damaged personality.
Almost every day this occurs, and it is kind of sad (maybe to her but not to me) that she does not have the power to be as rude as she wants, and it is a new power for me to "override" her objections with cheerfulness. Yes, sad that she cannot outwardly express herself, but I always stop, lean down and tell her that these simple things in life--speaking kindly to strangers, enjoying a lovely day, are the good things of life. I kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love her, then we continue. Sometimes she snickers, as Narcissists do, other times she tells me she loves me, too. This afternoon, I realized that after a lifetime of not knowing whether she loved me or not, it does not matter, because I know how to love her and others, anyway.
After being on this sight, seems we have a whole generation of folks like this.... few of us escape the negative and cynical.... takes courage to keep on doing what we are doing..... and I think we are lieing to ourself when we say it does't bother us, of course it does... only thing I can figure out in my experiance, is that God is asking us to pray more..!!!!!!!!! hugs to you all.
"What is wrong with you this morning?," he asks. "Why didn't you say, 'at least you woke up'?". I told him it was like pushing a rock up a hill... It keeps rolling down and it's not worth the effort. He is always unhappy, he always only sees the tough stuff and none of the good stuff.
He looks at me like I'm talking Russian. Then he says, "But I thought that's what we do. I LIKE it. It's a good part of my day." Now it is me who stares blankly.
"Go back out and let's try this again," he says. It reminds of when I'd mess up my times tables or have too many erasures on a book report in third grade. I go back out the bedroom door.
"Good morning dad!" I chirp upon entry. "How was your night."
"TERRIBLE, just could not sleep for longer than 90 minutes." He looks as peeved with life as he usually does, and I see he is taking this ritual seriously. "At least you woke up! In fact, you probably had five or six opportunities to say, 'Look at that! I WOKE UP,' so I hope you took at least one of them." We continue on the way we usually do, and I make no headway in getting him to come around to my way of thinking. Again, I am wondering what the point is. As I leave the room he says, "wasn't that SATISFYING?" and he is grinning. He LIKES THIS.
And the part of me that is just like my dad is resisting liking it too.
So thanks for all the posts here, a good reminder for me to stay focused on tasks at hand....
I feel as though for the last few years I have been standing in water just over my head - holding my MIL on my shoulders - trying to keep HER head above water - while I was drowning! I spent my days being cheerful - looking at the bright side - trying to turn her conversations around to something pleasant, (she even speaks ill of the dead!) talking her out of her depressive episodes - turning on HER lights - literally and figuratively. Why do they want to be in the DARK, literally!
Then about a year ago I HIT THE WALL - I woke up in a panic and I just had to get away. I felt that if I didn't RUN and FAST, I would DIE. My dear hubby stayed with his mom over a long weekend so I could just go visit a friend in another city. I shopped, went to a movie, out to eat and NEVER MENTIONED MY MIL THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. I made my friend promise to stop me if I even began to mention something about care giving. Well, that long weekend got me through another 6 months and then I hit another wall. Went for another long weekend - that helped a little - but not as much as before.
The NEGATIVITY is just overwhelming. The air is thick with it. It is easy to say 'change' how you think. I am tired of trying to save my MIL from herself. I do OK for a while and then crash and burn for a week and then get back up and do it again. All the while, she 'doesn't understand what the problem is with me!!' She asks my husband 'What's wrong with HER anyway?'
I know I have changed. I no longer attempt to turn the conversation around - I leave the room. I no longer try to cheer her up - I leave the room. I limit my interactions with her and I know that isn't good. I am beginning to seriously believe that she may be happier in a facility. But, deep down, I know that probably isn't true.
She has beginning dementia and her short term memory is ZERO. So, if she doesn't remember saying or doing somthing - it didn't happen. This just makes it worse because there is no reasoning with her.
Thanks for letting me 'let go' of this. Bless all you care givers who must deal with bleakness like this. She doesn't have a clue. She just tells us over and over and over again that "you have no idea how hard this is or what I go through." Well, neither does she.
It isn't that I don't love her or feel sorry for her - I can't think of a thing I would rather NOT do more than get old, wracked with pain, senile. It isn't for sissies, as they say. Maybe it is impossible to look on the bright side when you have lost your health, husband, home, friends. Maybe we are asking too much of our seniors. Antidepressants didn't help her - she faithfully took her 'happy pills' as we called them for over a year and finally stopped. They didn't help and they just had negative side effects that she didn't need.
Guess now the emphasis should be on how to keep ME sane so that I can continue on. That may be easier said than done as well :0)
I long for conversations about THE FUTURE that do not include illness, pain, funerals, death, constipation, incontinence. Friends for me are few and far between. My own kids hate to be around their own grandmother - she is so depressing.
Thankfully Spring is just around the corner and I will be able to be outside more. Winter is the worst.