my mother who is 88 yrs old cries all the time and gets mad at me a lot. she is really hard to deal with. i try to help her everyway i can but she seems like she's always mad at me. for instance she called me today crying that her cat was sick. all i told her i didn't know what was wrong i was not a vet she got mad and hung up on me. help as i am a only child and this situation is getting really unbearable.
Trust me. I told my MIL on the phone (thank God, she lives far away) that I hoped she got her taxes done because they were overdue, and she'd gotten a nasty letter from the IRS the year before that completely freaked her out. MIL interpreted that as me saying I was going to have her arrested for not doing her taxes, and proceeded to scream at me. Then she hung up on me, and called my husband, who was playing golf and knew nothing of what was going on, and proceeded to scream at him. Fun times. Fun, fun times!
An elderly parent crying all the time is hard for an adult child to bear, but it beats being screamed at and called names. I'm considering having a t-shirt printed that says "Evil B*tch," as that's what my MIL has decided my new name is.
As for the cat, can you call your mother up and ask how Fluffy's doing? Is she better? Cats get sick a lot. They throw up all the time, and bounce right back. But if she's still ailing, maybe you can offer to take her to the vet.
You: "I don't know, mom. I'm not a vet.
Really? You can't figure out why she would be hurt?
You know you wouldn't have said that to a friend. A much more appropriate response, one you WOULD say to a friend, would have been, "Aww, poor Scruffy. Is he throwing up? Does he still romp around the house? Give it a few more days. Kitties sometimes go off their feed . . . maybe she'll start eating again." And to your mom, same thing followed by, "If he's not better in a few days, how about we take him to the vet?"
Honestly ask yourself why you didn't give her the gift of showing you care. I think you reacted that way because you've "had it up to here." You feel over-burdened and helpless to fix it. Especially the part about her crying all the time. It's not easy seeing our moms so sad. It's gut-wrenching.
How about going with her to her next doctor's appointment and sharing her emotional responses with him? He may suggest a mild anti-depressant. I really think, if she begins to feel better about herself, so will you.
*Hugs*
Patience. The mantra of a care giver. ;)
On the other hand, engaging in a pointless conversation about a topic
you know nothing about (ie the cat's health) is not something I'd have the patience for, either. Rather than go head-to-head when such complaints or worries come from her, gently take charge with specific actions to address her concerns. For a variety of reasons, it may difficult for aging folks to see situations clearly, determine solutions, and then carry them out. She is blessed to have you around to encourage, reassure and guide her through the bramble that is the aging process.
Due to severe depression, she's crying out for help; not only for the cat. Apparently she doesn't know what to do and you don't know what to do either. As I said somewhere else in this forum, your mind can't absorb what your a__ can no longer endure, so you're gruffly dismissing her and then feel guilty about it because deep inside you know that wasn't the right way to handle it. But no matter who they are, needy people equal entrapment; and it's understandable that your defensive walls go up.
The only things I can suggest right now is (1) flipping the script on her by asking what SHE thinks needs to be done to address the situation and find a practical solution (a little self-sufficiency); and (2) help her develop a network or support system that doesn't revolve around you.
It all starts and ends with you, and things won't change until she realizes you can't be expected to come to the rescue and save the day all the time. After all, you're not Superwoman.
Hang in there my friend. It'll get better.
-- ED
Jan
There are some very good comments - taking it step by step, one thing at a time is good advice. It sounds to me as though your mother is scared - maybe you can help her feel better and then it will be easier for you, too.
They do become children as they get older and need more affirmation and comforting. I try real hard to tell myself that it could be me and they would be as kind as possible if tables were turned. It's hard.
Please, please, please get some kind of help for you with your mom. Those three months lead to a mini-breakdown for me and I'm just now starting to feel strong again. I did the typical only child thing: I can do it, I'm okay, I don't need any help right now. I did have some help at the beginning but when she came home it was tough caring for her and my dad. To his credit, my dad was somehow able to pull it together when she came home and he was really helpful. But it's still overwhelming. Then things around the house started to fail (roof caved in from water damage) and I was spent. I had to go back home (Chicago) and help from here. That's even worse since you don't really know what's going on and they often lie - not in a mean way but in an I-don't-want-to-worry-you way.
Trying to work and take care of them long distance screwed up my job performance and I ended up going on medical leave. Anyway, I'm much better now :) and I've learned a lot of ways to help deal with the stress. If you're not seeing a therapist try finding one who will help you with stress relief options and as someone you can just vent to. I've learned a lot and if/when this happens again I'll be more prepared. I can't guarantee I won't get frustrated and snippy but I do think it will take a lot more for that to happen. And I don't think I'll break down again. I really hope not!
I'm an only child myself, but my circumstances are not like yours.
From your previous questions connected to your profile, I see where your mother is on some sort of anti-anxiety medicine but you don't know what it is. I suggest that you find out what it is, the dosage and contact the doctor. Plus, I'd inform her doctor about these symptoms of what might be depression along with the anxiety. I also notice that your mother is not good on her feet and you are afraid she might fall which is understandable. I'd would get a home health nurse to come out and evaluate if she really is safe at home.
I hope that you have medical and durable POA for your mother already. If not, try to get it very quickly. You might very well be at the point where some other form of care other than you doing everything needs to be done. Does your mother have a long term care insurance policy? What financial means does she have? Has your mother always been quick to get mad with you or has this just taken place recently?
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Remember the old saying: "If you let the mind wonder it will." Try not to let the mind wonder, keep it busy. Sometimes when we get older the mind acts like a child. When "teachers" have a young child crying, unrulely, or anything else we "RE-DIRECT THEM". Get their mind on something else, have them do something that will "help" them forget their external problems.
Probably nothing is 100%, but you can try these small adjustments for little or no cost. Good Luck.
is hard- you just want them to be happy - good luck