My mother has dementia. She is not at a point to have her declared incompetent, but she is easily confused, asks the same questions over and over, She has always been difficult. We suspect she has a Schizoid Personality Disorder on top of everything else.
The other day while at the Dr.'s office she refused to take a memory test or to see a neurologist and accused me and my sister of trying to have her committed to a care facility and steal all her assets. Her Dr. agrees with us that her memory is very impaired and when he talks with us he uses the word dementia but when my mother is present he takes a very neutral stand. We feel he is not supportive of us, Since this appointment, I mother told me to stay away from her because I am trying to take away her rights. How can I know she is staying safe now? She started a kitchen fire recently by heating Vicks Vapor Rub in a pan!! Her Dr. is also my dr. Should I find another dr. for myself?? Soon we will have to have her driver's license revoked and her dr. doesn't want to be the one to do it, so we will have to report her to DMV. Are we expecting too much from the dr??
Her personality disorder makes it so much harder to deal with her and sometimes I want to resign my duties to her. She has always been abusive, name calling, accusations. She never formed a bond with any of us. She is never wrong, impossible to please even when to give her what she wants or do what she wants it is never good enough. She is a walking contradiction. How do I know she will be safe now that she doesn't want me to come around??
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I know these actions are hard many of us have had to do this with our own parents. For me it was my father. Most likely the hardest thing I ever had to do was have his driver licenses taken away from him. He felt that was his last little bit of independence, but you have to consider the safety of the parent and others on the road.
Blessings,
Bridget
if you have a DPOA, MPOA, and Guardianship in Case of Incapacity done from years back, then whomever is listed as that person can have her move to a Independent Living situation. It won't be pretty and she won't be happy but then she likely is never happy is she (this was the situation I went thru with my mom)It sounds like your mom is still able to do for herself and still lives in her home so IL could be good and it is NOT PUTTING THEM IN A HOME nonsense she might throw back at you. My mom's IL was about 1,800 a month: she got lunch every day and dinners on Sat nite and SUnday was a brunch, driven to medical appointments plus arts & crafts, exercise classes, movie night and lots of other things she could dislike and complain about. Apt was about 750 sq ft with smallish kitchen, big bath with grab bars all over and 3 emergency pulls. The selling point on this is INDEPENDENT, no one is telling her what to do if she wants to go to lunch fine if not fine, if she wants to go to the Wed 10AM weekly grocery run fine if not too bad. After a couple of weeks of being a martyr my mom got with the program. Now she is in NH and complains that there is no Wed 10 AM run to HEB and no every other Thursday Target run and no visits to Luby's either.
Can you find a gerontologist to see her? Her doc sounds worthless. She really needs to be evaluated to see where she is on the dementia scale and maybe what type of dementia. My mom has Lewy Body Dementia and it is very different than the ALZ pattern. She is mid 90's and still very cognitive and ambulatory but has episodic hallucinations and constant paranoia. Her meds are different that would be given to a ALZ patient.
On retrospect, I wish I had forced her to move to IL a couple of years earlier.
Being in a community with others - even if they are not social - is better for them, imho, in that they whether they want to or not start to realize how much better off they are than others and it gives them whole new situations & people to b***h about. That alone can be priceless.Good Luck.
You also have to remember to breathe and realize she is sick and probably does not know she is being mean and rude. Her brain is not functioning well. You have to take her as she is and accept all she can give. Know she probably does not mean to be this way but it is ALL she is capable of at this time. I would suggest you contact a new physician who specializes in Geriatric care or a Nuro specialist. If she will not go, check into your local resources and see if there is a Mobile Doctors that will come to the home. You can have them come into the home as a “guest” and she will not know that she is really being monitored for possible dementia. She could be at the stage where she knows something is wrong and it is scaring her and she does not want to admit it.
Blessings,
Bridget
It is difficult for the elderly to give up independence; I understand, but knowing she could hurt herself or others - we had to take steps. Long story short, she was relentless with telephone calls constantly - mean ones about the driving. Learned to have a tough skin through all this as we had to keep her off the road. Reasoning with her made no difference. Does the doctor know that she started a fire? I agree with above post and recommendations.
Please know, I realize how difficult this is; especially with this type of personality disorder. Elder Servies in the town where she lives might be helpful. I had to resort to their help with my MIL and mother. They were amazing and helped me keep my sanity. Hopefully, this agency could help you too. My heart goes out to you - take care.